The next step is to no longer be afraid of myself.
I’m spending four days alone. Like, completely.
My plans for this rare weekend to myself have spanned from going to Vegas, Mexico, San Diego and have now settled upon a cabin in the woods. The entire time I was trying to figure out the ‘best’ way to spend my time, my soul was screaming for me to just be in solitude. Now that I have listened and the cabin is booked, I’m at peace. For the most part…
My cabin is in the middle of nowhere.
I’m bringing my dogs and a shotgun (for the rapists and murderers that my imagination has convinced me are hiding out in the woods waiting for the dark). But, bigger than my fear of the boogie man, is my fear of spending four days with myself.
There is no cell service or internet access where I’m going.What am I like when I’m not spending a significant amount of time consumed by technology? I’m afraid to see how much of my identity is tied to the frequency of others browsing my work and status updates, due to their tech addiction.
It’s so sad that the first thing I thought of when I saw the cabin on the internet was taking pics and posting them to Facebook once I arrived. Really??
The truth is that my eyeballs hurt everyday from staring at a screen; I’m so sick of people I could slap just about everyone and I’m so ungrounded that pretty much anyone could come along and topple me over.
I was having a conversation today about how many things I don’t do out of fear; I would typically tell you that I’m fearless.
My friends and family would agree.
I take more risks (mostly emotional) than anyone I know. I jump in to anything with an acceptance of paying the consequences (which often include beating myself up for being so stupid to take such a risk).
So they were shocked to hear how often I’m afraid. And it’s the very things that move my soul that I’m most afraid of.
I talk myself out of my yoga practice because I fear that it may not go well, sitting for meditation (something I teach to others!) often scares me, and I tend to put my writing off until the last minute…all because I’m a wuss.
I’ve been afraid to be an amateur. I have convinced myself subconsciously that only perfection is good enough.
I don’t own a television. I don’t read magazines. I don’t watch the news. I don’t listen to the radio. I’ve significantly removed myself from our perfection-driven society. But perhaps avoidance isn’t enough.
Maybe I’m finally ready to find the source of my fears and bring them into a space of love.
I’m fantastic at charging through my feelings of fear with my eyes shut and teeth clenched, but that’s not enough. That’s not sitting down and lovingly looking my fears in the eye. That’s not accepting parts of myself that are longing to be known.
How true is it for human beings that we avoid what we desire and need most out of fear?
So, I’m off into the woods to get nice and cozy with my laundry lists of fears.
I’m trusting myself to be okay; I’m trusting myself to be alone with…myself (the scariest being I have yet to know).
/>Miki’s vision is to live in a way that promotes spiritual and consciousness expansion. Her passion lies in helping others develop mental and physical habits that allow them to find their true Self. In this way, one more soul is reconnected to the whole. She is an Ashtanga yogi, writer, consciousness coach, mother, ex-wife, trail runner, speaker, ranch hand, aircraft mechanic, cook, mystic, listener, healer and a bad ass. Find her on tumblr, twitter and facebook.
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Ed: Bryonie Wise