What You Can Really Expect at your First Yoga Class. ~ Rob Pollak.

Via on Jan 28, 2013

A yoga cartoon by Rob Pollak

Are you thinking about hitting up your first yoga class?

If so, then you’ve probably spent a good deal of time researching what to expect. In fact, I’d guess that before reading this, you just read 15 identical articles by someone with a name like “Blissful Yogini.” Congratulations!  Now you know to “Drink water!” and “Breathe!” Did those tips set your mind at ease about what to expect in your first class?

Well, if your brain is anything close to the train wreck happening between my ears, chances are those articles just made you feel more anxious.

So, I’m here to break it down for you. Based entirely on personal experience (which I have embellished for dramatic purposes), here’s a rundown of what you can realistically expect at your first yoga class.

The Regulars

When you walk into the room, you’ll be freaked out. A number of people will have already set up their mats. Most likely, these “regulars” claim the same spot at that class every time it is offered. Look for spots on the floor that have been “marked” by regular’s sweat. Steer clear of those locations. Whatever you do, don’t look a regular in the eyes—it may be wrongly perceived as a territory grab.

For your first class, it’s best to arrive between four and seven minutes prior to the beginning of class. That way, the neurotic regulars will have already set out their mats, but the haggard late arrivers will not yet have started to trickle in.

Where to set up your mat

I recommend grabbing a spot as far in the back left or right corner as possible.

a cartoon by rob pollak - yoga for beginners

You will inevitably think that everyone in the class will stare at you and judge you while you’re doing yoga. That’s not true: Only some of the people will be doing that.

Setting up in the back allows you to see what other people are doing most of the time. You will think that it will also make you invisible to the rest of the class, but it won’t. Remember that half the time the class will have their heads buried between their legs or will be in some weird twist that allows them to make direct eye contact with you. Try your best to avoid feeling self-conscious when everyone in the room is looking in the general direction of the midsection bulge that makes you feel bad about yourself. Everyone is too self-involved to notice.

Before Class Starts

In general, people sit quietly before class starts. Other articles will tell you that this is a good time to sit mindfully and think about the events that are about to transpire. In actuality, this time should be spent trying to avoid making eye contact with anyone else in class. This is particularly difficult when there is a mirror in the front of the room. Just stare blatantly at others only until they’re just about to catch your gaze, then quickly avert your eyes.

Meanwhile, you may notice that a few of the regulars (particularly the older ones) will be “warming up.” A proper warmup consists of three to five minutes dedicated to dry humping the yoga mat. Although it will be difficult, try not to react to the audible moans or mmmmmms that they emit while in a warm up. Those sounds are totally normal. Actually, they’re not normal. They’re totally tolerated.

Gender Specific Advice

A brief side note for the guys: Being surrounded by attractive women in yoga pants is an enormous benefit to this form of exercise. Don’t screw it up by gawking. There will be plenty of opportunities for a little peek during class. But be discreet so you don’t eff it up for everyone else.

A brief note for the ladies: You know those purple yoga pants you wear? Well, they become see through when stretched in a certain way. Like totally completely transparent. Thought you might want to know. Nice thong by the way.

What happens to yoga pants when stretched - a drawing

The Beginning of Class

Eventually, the teacher will enter the room. If you aren’t sure if the teacher has arrived, wait to see if a regular has jumped up to enthusiastically hug someone. That’s the teacher. Most likely, their friendship is entirely one-sided, but just forget I mentioned that when you become a regular yourself.

Many classes begin with the teacher asking you to come to a comfortable seat. Note that by “comfortable” the teacher really means that you should sit with a completely erect back, your legs crossed in an unnatural way, your shoulders pulled back, your chin slightly protruding up, and your hands resting awkwardly on your thighs. It is not only completely not comfortable, but also painful.

You may be asked to close your eyes and look within yourself. For the first six months of my yoga practice, I used this time to awkwardly gaze around the room and ask myself, “what the hell am I doing here?” You may catch eyes with the other person who is incapable of closing his eyes. If that occurs, immediately close your eyes and pretend like it never happened.

The Poses

Once class gets underway, the teacher will guide you through various poses. Sometimes, these will be called out in Sanskrit. You will have no idea what is happening. Just look around and do what everyone else does. For reference, I’ve put together a chart of poses that you’re likely to encounter during your first class:

A yoga cartoon by Rob Pollak

During these poses, the teacher will be instructing you on how to breathe. Things like “Breathe in”—pause—”Breathe out”—pause.  These instructions in no way mirror the actuality of your breath. For each “breathe in” instruction, I typically have seven to 10 in breaths and three to five out breath gasps.

The final pose

The final pose is called Shavasana. You lie on your back like a corpse and rest. Of all the things you’ve done during your first class, none will make you feel more like an idiot than lying on the floor and resting. The teacher will explain the purpose of this pose and instruct you to try to stop thinking about all the anxieties that you have in life. This instruction will call all those anxieties, which you had not been thinking about until that very moment, to the forefront of your attention. You may get angry and frustrated. You’ll wonder how long you could possibly have to lie there. You will hate yoga. You will try to look at the clock. And then, for one brief second, you’ll get it. Something incredible will happen and you will feel rested and amazing and about ready to succumb to the belief that there is something greater in the world.

At that very moment, the teacher will call you back to attention and tell you to sit up.  A second later, you will forget the revelation that you just had. You will be frustrated.

But at the end of class, when you stand up, a bit of that feeling will return. You won’t know what exactly just happened to you or understand why, but you’ll feel taller, smarter, more self aware, stronger, thinner, fitter, healthier, heartier, more loving, funnier and confident.

Congratulations, you’re now a yogi.

 

Like elephant yoga on Facebook.

~

Ed: Kate Bartolotta

About Rob Pollak

Rob Pollak plans to get famous via the internet. You can follow his journey, writing and drawings at Rob Complains About Things, Twitter or Facebook.

40,857 views

Appreciate this article? Support indie media!

(We use super-secure PayPal - but don't worry - you don't need an account with PayPal.)

30 Responses to “What You Can Really Expect at your First Yoga Class. ~ Rob Pollak.”

  1. Miri says:

    This is so funny and true! Love the end where you talk about how you'll feel in corpse pose! I also love the regulars comments. Awesome.

  2. Michelle says:

    Rob I love your writing and especially your stick figures! Thanks for a laugh with my morning coffee.

  3. Michele says:

    I kind of want to make copies of this and hand it out to my yoga class. I remember having lots of these thoughts myself.

  4. [...] you love, click on this article at the Elephant Journal and join me on [...]

  5. Donna says:

    Rob Pollak you ate my new fave ele writer especially 'cause you have awesome and funny pics. As a new yoga teacher you are officially now my main source of advice. Any other pearls of wisdom for us wannabe teachers???? D :-)

  6. Donna says:

    Or you are my new fave writer even, cause you did not eat it :-) bloody iPad predictive text xxx

    • Rob Pollak Rob Pollak says:

      Funny how the ipad just assumes I'm eating something. I'll keep working on new pearls of wisdom for you. Though there probably is a more reputable source out there somewhere.

  7. Made me Laugh Out Loud! more please :))

  8. [...] Most of us that practice yoga on a regular basis are no strangers to the general rules of yoga etiquette. [...]

  9. Colin Wiseman Colin Wiseman says:

    Did no one else see the blatant racism* towards the Polish folks in the picture! SHEESH!

    *joke :D

    • Rob Pollak Rob Pollak says:

      I don't think it's racism unless you're talking about all poles.

      • Colin Wiseman Colin Wiseman says:

        Sorry. Was a bad joke :D

        I know the diagram is relating to metal/wood poles that are holding the ceiling up but are in a funny position :D (I hope unless I've put my foot in my mouth again)

  10. [...] you can really expect in your first yoga [...]

  11. [...] had my own experience with the healing powers of yoga and have read about how it can cure everything from heartache to backache, but I’ve never heard a [...]

  12. [...] See original article: What you can really expect at &#12… [...]

  13. Lalana says:

    I as well thought of printing and taking to my classes tomorrow. Very funny.

  14. [...] What You Can Really Expect at your First Yoga Class. ~ Rob Pollak. [...]

  15. Ashley says:

    Haha this is hilarious and true! Check out this funny video called, Shit Guru's Say. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embe

  16. Tequila Mockingbird says:

    You totally forgot how every Yoga teacher in the em-effing universe will tell everyone to roll up from the forward fold "one vertebrae at a time" – as if there's any other possible effing way to do it. Sorry. Do I sound cranky? Could be because while in forward fold, the Professor walks around and inevitably tucks my head further in between my legs. Like – if I could go that far, I'd already BE THERE mmm-kay?

  17. Joseph says:

    Check out There video of this up-and-coming yoga teacher Celebrities Go to him because his style is different and fun Click Here!

  18. Rogelio Nunez says:

    Tequila, try concaving the spine, and come up from the chest, just the opposite of rolling up, no every teacher says that…..
    it actually can be harmful if done that way for many years….try it and let me know…
    Rob great take on the yoga world of today….

  19. Ina Sahaja says:

    I love the diagram of the room… but why aren't the escape routes marked more visibly?? :)

  20. Tim Griffin says:

    Hilarious. Maybe I'll teach "full moon" tomorrow!

  21. Becks says:

    Quite late to the party here but I love this! Now off to read your other posts to give a giggle whilst in the train.

    Ps I wore leggings that showed my pants for ages before I realised :(

  22. Balance says:

    Wonderful, it was just like that for me the first several months. I had no idea what I was doing LOL

  23. Mitchell T says:

    About to go to my first yoga class… Read up on several nearly-identical "# things to know before…" articles, then stumbled across this gem. Had to fight back laughter in the office the entire way through. Well written.

Leave a Reply