When it Comes to Love: I’m Happy For You. ~ Ronna Holtz

Via Ronna Holtz
on Jan 21, 2013
get elephant's newsletter


My ex-husband just got married.

Let me start by saying that this will not be a sarcastic, jaded, stab me I was betrayed, I’m a victim vibe. I’ll apologize for my lack of sass in advance. This is about life, love and the big picture. Call it what you want. Call me crazy while you’re at it.

I’m happy for him.

That wasn’t always the case. I’ll admit when I first found out (on Facebook) that my ex-husband was engaged, my ego had a slightly melodramatic temper tantrum. The good news is that I knew it was ego.

I had a sort of “When Harry Met Sally” moment. If you’ve read anything I’ve written you’ll know that I will take any and all opportunities to quote that movie. Remember when she finds out that Joe is getting married? She calls Harry in a tearful frenzy. Harry goes to her place. Her hair is tousled. Snot runs down her face….

Sally: “….he just didn’t want to marry me!” More sobbing. “…and I’m gonna be 40!”
Harry: “When?”
Sally: “Someday…”

My moment was similar.

Perhaps I’m writing this because I’d feel weird calling. Maybe I’m doing it because all too often I hear people say year after year how much they loathe their ex-husband or ex-wife. They may very well have valid reasons. I find it sad. I also know that someone else’s experience is none of my damned business.

29554941276530136_I2KxLzfG_fMy ex-husband wasn’t a bad person. Neither was I. It worked for a while and then it stopped working. We had exactly what we were given. Was there heartache? I can only speak for myself. We both had lessons to learn and pain to grow through. I’d like to believe it was all worth it. I’d also like to believe we have both come very far.

I learned that someone will love me even when I sing the Bee Gees at the top of my lungs in the market, and that they’ll still think I’m awesome when I wake up with Tawny Kitaen hair. There are heartfelt memories and some not so sexy memories. (Tawny Kitaen hair gets filed under sexy, by the way.)

There was also a bit of remorse, not because it ended, but because I could have been better in so many ways, although I will never give up being retarded in the market. I learned it is more than good to just be who I am. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

I see so many people struggle with separation/divorce pain. There have been many acquaintances, friends, even people dear to my heart that have gone through this. Perhaps they experience a feeling of failure, or a fear of being alone; even a fear of loving again. I’ve felt them all. I’d like them to know that the process wasn’t always a walk in the proverbial park. There was pain, certainly. There was grieving as I would expect goes hand in hand with any marriage ending. Unless you were married to Ed Gein. But the fantastic marriages don’t usually end. Right?

Looking back, I’m fortunate for the things I learned. I wasn’t necessarily the picture of grace through it all, but I did get through it. Some days my head was held high. Some days my friends held it for me. Some days I wanted to bury it in a bottle of Cotes du Rhone. I’m so grateful for being able to see the bigger picture now, because there is always a bigger picture.

ropic2Sometimes we touch another person’s life in a way we never thought possible.

If “you” are reading this I want you to know I wish you and your bride a happy life. I hope you have found the love you were searching for and the love that you deserve.

You have come a long way and have grown so deeply. I am immensely proud of you. I know you will do right by each other and on days where you may not I know that you will show up get through it.

As my friend Anthony said quite recently, “Everyone has their person and you have found your person in one another.”


Like elephant love on Facebook!

Assistant Ed: Anne Clendening
Ed: Kate Bartolotta

Bouquet:  Absolute Perfection Tawny Kitaen:DriRhys on Flickr “Your Past:” Jean Byrne via Magdalena Perez


About Ronna Holtz

Ronna Holtz can be found sipping iced tea and playing her guitar in her 1920’s apartment in the shadow of Hollywood Hills. She is a writer and a dreamer who loves love and everything about it. Read her whispers and rants on her blog, Be Like the Moon. Ronna is also the creator of a sexy new elephant love advice column, "When It Comes To Love." Email your burning relationship questions to Ronna at [email protected] She doesn't necessarily guarantee a wise solution, but she will offer an entertaining and down-to-earth view of the problem. Subscribe to Ronna's column and never miss a post.


37 Responses to “When it Comes to Love: I’m Happy For You. ~ Ronna Holtz”

  1. BubblesDeux says:

    I love this post! I've been married twice and both of my ex's have remarried and both are expecting children soon. I feel like 10 years ago I would have been so wrapped up in myself that I would have been sad for me. Sad about what, I don't even know, but I feel like at 25 ego would have shown up somewhere. At 40 I can honestly say that I am not only happy for them, but I believe they found the women they were meant to love and you can't ask for more than that!

  2. Carolyn Riker says:

    Lovely insight and honesty on a hot topic!

  3. ronna26 says:

    Thank you for reading Carolyn :)

  4. slsimms says:

    I WISH my ex would meet a nice woman and go forward…he's taking his time I guess. Thank you for the article though, I think wishing love and joy is a far more gracious gift. :0)

  5. Gloria says:

    Simply beautiful… May all that love come back to you multiplied :)

  6. Meghan says:

    Oh I was loving this article until you used the “r” word to describe your singing in the market. I tried to put it down and come back to it, trying to gloss over that sentence, but I couldn’t. What you’re saying is wonderful and honest, and that word so very much takes away from it.
    I’m hopeful in the future you will consider another word! :)

  7. Prairie says:

    Thank you for your voice – this perspective so beautifully translates to all the ways in which we experience loss, letting go and moving on.

  8. Lisa H says:

    There is breath and freedom that is only available through love. Cheers to you, Ronna.

  9. Spoken with grace and an open heart.

  10. Wendy says:

    I would like to echo Meghan's comments and encourage you to think twice before using the "r" word. Words are powerful – they can be inspiring and hurtful. Your words were both. Be well.

  11. jim fry says:

    Thank you!

    Sometimes I feel alone in my attempts to re-frame everything and generate harmony (even if it is "only" internally).

    One of the most empowering experiences of my life was becoming good friends with my first wife's "affair" partner. Admittedly it was after I'd processed my grief, and she'd moved past him onto someone else! He and I, actually became partners, of a different sort, and few could beat us at team darts.

    This is actually one of my favorite stories to tell, since it seems to carry appreciable shock value to most recipients, and hey, I'm not beyond shaking up paradigms, memes and cultured expectations, now & then …

  12. Ethana says:

    Great article! Regardless of whether you meant to be offensive or not, just don't use the "r" word. It's not the responsibility of the readers to understand in what context you meant the "r" word… it's a word that is currently used to bully and make fun of people. Sure, it's all up to us to understand context, but that's kind of a cop-out for accountability and ownership for something that truly offends people suffering with and who live with disabilities and special needs. Unfortunately, it isn't a olde english offensive word, it's a current and present offensive word. I'm surprised that the editors here at elephant journal left it in.

  13. Ronna Holtz says:

    Actually it absolutely does matter what my intent was in the use of the word. I find it amazing that out of a heart felt lovely article, that is the word you focus on. There IS a definition that states silly or goofy. You are welcome to take whatever you want from my words…. With all the horrifying things being written let alone hapoening in the world I’m glad you took the time to zero in on one word and interpret it negatively. Thanks for reading Jim, what was that thing I read about freedom of speech?

  14. R-Lover says:

    I happen to love retards. Especially when they sing really loud in the supermarket.

    Maybe some of your readers believe that this world is fair and that everyone should get a star for participation regardless of their level of talent, determination, commitment, ability, and/or skill.

    Or maybe, they feel as though their voice should matter, but they have no friends left who will listen.

    In any case, I follow Bikram on this one. Don’t say Sorry. Say Fuck You!

  15. Ronna26 says:

    Hypothetically speaking if I were to use the “fuck” word I’d go with “go fuck yourself”….. It’s kind of catchy. :)

  16. Ronna26 says:

    I must say r-lover tied this one up with a one-two punch and some rope.

  17. […] am now 30 and have had four different juicers in my life. Oddly enough, I have also had four different boyfriends since him before finding my husband. Anyway, I believe it is safe to say: it is not what juicer I have, but how I utilize it that […]

  18. […] of love with the practice a bit. The loss of some physical mobility, the death of a dear friend, a relationship break that floored me, a mother whose memory collapsed—and I realize I have been less fully living from my heart, and […]

  19. Ethana says:

    I guess you only read the constructive criticism that I gave when I actually started off by saying great article, which I still think it is. In the end, it's easier to be defensive than see something in a new light. Many in the defence of the r word just proved that… which isn't surprising, is it? I mean, the world today is the same as it was yesterday… more defence, less light. I also find it funny when only the positive comments are seen as appreciative and yet they are the ones that passively jab the most. It's still a great article which, unfortunately, did use that one word, and yes, it does stand out because it is that one word, which you can excuse all you want and defend your use of it. I hope it's never used at you, whispered or laughed at you, used to stop you from getting a job, or not get you invited somewhere, as I've seen happen so many times in the school board. Oh, I guess if it's used at you in a silly or goofy way it will be okay though… I should get on that, explaining the difference to all the special needs kids that I work with every day.

  20. Vaughn says:

    I’ve read this before but reading it again this morning I just wanted to say that I am extremely proud of you. Thank you.

Leave a Reply