An Open Letter to My Future Lover. ~ Melanie Curtin

Via on Feb 11, 2013
Photo:  Intimate Sketch
Photo: Intimate Sketch

I can teach you how to love me.

If you take the time and truly want to know, I can teach you what each of my head tilts mean. I can teach you all the secrets of my body. I can teach you how to handle me when I’m moody, how to console me when I’m crying about my mother (versus my father), what to say when I act strange or distant around you.

If we get close enough for long enough, I can teach you about how to touch me where I am most sensitive, how to make my breath come quickly, how to rocket me into outer space with the slightest of movements and then do it all over again.

I can show you my wicked smile, the one that only comes out sometimes, the one I put on only when the root at the base of me and all the darkness in the world come prancing up my spine, when I have to let it wriggle and scream because without that it would consume me, as I become the immediate channel for something great and deep and wide and appalling.

I can teach you why and how it hurts when I don’t get attention, and I can do it without blaming you. I can teach you how I don’t ever need you to apologize, I just need you to listen. I can teach you how to come to me with criticism so that I don’t fall apart and collapse into myself, choking and retreating into a ball of aching grief.

I can teach you how while I have claws, I have choice about when I use them. I can teach you how to declaw me faster and better each time. I can teach you how to preempt my tantrums, how to make it safe for me to come out and play, how to bring forth my love like a shining beacon of depth and warmth and delight and freedom.

Photo: Om Rupani.
Photo: Om Rupani.

I can teach you what to do when I reach for you—or maybe you already know. Maybe there are things you already know about me, about how to be with me, just from the way I move or sit or stand or share or the way I light up or shut down.

Maybe you’ve been with others like me, other tender, expressive beings, other imperfect triumvirates of passion, pain and possibility.

We can celebrate where I am similar, and I can teach you where I’m different. I can teach you how to be with me without words, and I can teach you the magic words to say.

I can teach you these things, offer them up like so many pebbles, worn and smooth and pure, because I found them and ground them away down into their essence, made them soft by my own tears and trauma. I can bring them to you like a sacred offering, fetched from depths of my soul and my anguish, inspired and transpired by the innocence with which a child places total trust and responsibility in the hands of people who don’t and can’t know everything, or do everything right all the time.

I learned these things, in fact, to teach you.

When it was hard and I wanted to stop and I wanted it to stop and I wanted to make it stop, when I wanted to arrest the humiliation or destroy the awakening or hold onto the hate or shutter the screams or beat my fists across walls or cover my ears and board up my eyes and silence my mouth forever, I thought of you.

And I thought of children. Our children.

I did it for you, so that our path could be smoother, so that their path could be smoother. And so it will be, inevitably smoother paved by so many hard-earned pebbles, given by the rending refinement of my own coming undone, and redone.

The only thing I need from you, the only gift I need you to give to me, the only rendition and chorus I require, is for you to ask.

I need you to ask.

open heartIf you ask, I will tell you some things. If you ask further, I will tell you many things. And if you ask and you ask and you ask, and you keep asking and I know you’ll keep asking and there will never be a time when you don’t ask, I will tell you everything.

I will tell you where you fit into the pattern of my life, how I have been waiting for you and waiting for you and dying for you to come to me.

I am dying for you to come to me.

And when you do I can tell you, but I will never be able to say it to you strong enough or loud enough or enough enough, just how glad I am you’ve arrived.

There may never be a way to express that with words.

I’m doing the work so that we will work. So that I can make an extraordinary partner, a loyal partner, a partner undivided by the simple stresses of it all, with a bedrock foundation in something greater than all of this, with my own light and surrender and basic formation settled and accounted for and with which I am deeply, truly, and exquisitely at peace.

I have touched grace. I have been to God and back. And when I arrived and returned I came here upon this place and discovered that now—right now—God actually is you.

And me.

Together.

 

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Assistant Ed: Lori Lothian

Ed: Kate Bartolotta

About Melanie Curtin

Melanie Curtin is the founder of Vixen on the Loose, the sassy brand seeking to redefine what it means to be a modern, empowered woman (and man, for that matter). She is convinced her generation can do the whole sex, dating, and relating thing better than those who came before, and her goal is to spark the conversations necessary for this to be the case. Both lightning rod and spitfire, she invites you unleash your inner vixen by unabashedly expressing her own. Tweet her at @VixenOTL, email her at vixenontheloose [at] gmail [dot] com, and subscribe to her YouTube channel for more sexy, spiritual smackdown!

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28 Responses to “An Open Letter to My Future Lover. ~ Melanie Curtin”

  1. jim fry says:

    Moving & Beautiful! :: Cheers ::
    I call this scribing intent and projecting it towards the future to magnetically draw & weave, your present.

    Reminds me of words that sweetly haunt me, from another, which I feel fully complement yours:

    "I have been loved by those who didn’t care to discover all that I am. Will you be the one to see me whole?"

    "Teach me how to be loved. Let me learn how to love you. Start now. I’m paying attention. I was made for this.

    So were you."

    ~ Jeanette Bursey LeBlanc via {peace.love.free}

    The last two lines? With just twenty six words, she wrote – { the greatest love poem i've ever encountered }

  2. lib tobin says:

    this will haunt me in a very good way for a very long time. So elegant.

  3. sandy says:

    This took my breath away.

  4. Mark-Francis Mullen says:

    That was beautiful. I love you. That Guy is gonna be SO lucky : )

  5. Adam says:

    MARRY ME MELANIEEEE!

  6. graceonthefly says:

    Wow..i love this beyond words

  7. Pete Waters says:

    I am always impressed by your work, in prose and in person, but never so much as I was when reading this. Bravo, kid.

  8. Paul says:

    it sounds like too much work to me.

  9. krishnabrodhi says:

    "I am God.
    You are God.
    All that groks is God"
    ~ Heinlein

    Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful piece of writing. It speaks to me of one of the truest definitions of communion. <3 <3 <3

  10. Vivian says:

    Wow! But it makes me feel so sad. I think we are way to selfish for that degree of caring.

  11. ali says:

    so true! so beautiful!

  12. Brad says:

    And yet , if we are honest with ourselves (essential for true communion), we never truly know if God exists, so this love must be created and shared in the vast vacuum of The Unknown. Not to mention that large terrains of you and The Other are also vastly unknown. God is actually you? Never truly knowing is actually you.

  13. leilra says:

    What beautiful writing, so vivid I felt it. Hopefully, I can write as awesomely as you one day!

  14. solfulsoul says:

    I can teach you how I always knew.

  15. adventurousandrea says:

    Wow, so beautiful and raw.

  16. yourspiritualtruth says:

    Absolutely brilliant and true….and I want to do the same for my future lover. All about learning to know ourselves and being vulnerable enough to express it… Very much in line with my blog this morning: http://yourspiritualtruth.com/2013/04/26/midlife-

  17. AndrewPaciocco says:

    Wow….That was breath taking. Thank you.

  18. cassandralanesmith says:

    This is so beautiful. Incredible writing, thank you

  19. Janus says:

    Beautifully expressed, thank you.

  20. Clara Jansen says:

    This beautifully written piece exemplifies the separation many humans feel in the eternal search for the perfect lover. What most of us fail to see is that the perfect lover has never left us… Not even for an instant.

  21. Joy says:

    So gorgeous. Thank you for sharing.

  22. Scott says:

    Lovely, moving

  23. Alicia says:

    Absolutely beautiful. I long for the same things.

  24. Noor says:

    wow! just wow! brlliant.
    i may have cried a little…
    Love from your friend in Pakistan.

  25. Ri says:

    WOW! Just… WOW! Thank you for writing this magical piece that I’m sure a lot of people feel but can’t express (myself included).

  26. Edo801 says:

    While reading this, I felt this ineffable emotional state of being that yearns for this, but in life, like a moon passing, this hope stood in the pale light and wane. Sadly the perspective partners were closed emotionally due to self inflicted emotional wounds, or wounds by others, life long baggage yet to be unpacked, blocking hallways of love and grace, lost keys to locked souls. The only truth I know is that to be with another, I must already love myself, be content and complete.
    I have faith that "you" and "I" will find what we seek.
    Thank you for this gorgeous piece.

  27. Rex Riley says:

    Written by Narcissus to him/herself.

  28. Schmitten says:

    This is beautifully written, and I agree with teaching someone how to love us, but I feel that expecting your significant other to constantly "ask" is taking an inactive stance in a relationship. Love is a noun, but more importantly, love is a verb, a word of action. It is our individual responsibility to tell our partner's how we want to be loved and what we need from them, and vice versa. We have to take responsibility for getting our needs fulfilled, and if someone doesn't ask, then we have to show them or tell them what we need. Each person in a relationship needs to be an active participant in the mutual action of loving, and not just sit back and hope that their partner will ask the right questions.

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