Out of Bounds. ~ Amy Taylor

Via on Feb 20, 2013

Janet Down Dog Assist

When I’m in adho mukha svanasana and a teacher approaches from behind, hooks her hands in my hip creases and pulls, all my internal alarms go off.

One of my best friends is also a counselor for our family.

Our town’s not that large and really competent mental health help doesn’t hang from the trees anywhere. My friend is highly ethical and she’s good at what she does.

She has a good sense of boundaries.

In a recent session, we discussed this very topic. She drew a circle for a person and then encircled the person with dashes to represent healthy boundaries.

Then she described how we can maintain those boundaries by being appropriately assertive—and how an aggressive person stabs right through those porous walls, leaving you sore and raw.

Somehow, I think this relates to the discussion about touch.

For me, healthy boundaries are essential. I startle easily. My heart leaps out of my chest, cartoon-style when I am anxious. I stop breathing.

In today’s lingo, you’d say I have sensory processing issues. I also pick up on the energy of others. Crowded grocery stores leave me frazzled and cranky.

My sensitivity fuels my writing but it can make real life seem full of land mines.

Once I received a massage as a gift.

I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I sensed that the therapist didn’t want to be there any more than I did. She clicked her tongue as she my kneaded my neck and shoulder muscles, asking how a yoga teacher could let herself get so tight. I’ve never gone back, although I feel guilty.

What’s wrong with me that I can’t enjoy a massage?

I know a little girl who lives on the opposite side of the boundary spectrum. She’s loose and floppy like a fish. During a recent savasana in classroom yoga, she rolled into me and started pounding on my shoulder. She was testing boundaries, seeking her own. Her teacher climbed over the sprawled little bodies and gently pried her off of me.

Before I left, this little girl asked if she could give me a hug. It was very good that she asked before barreling me over. That’s progress for her. Still, I heard myself say, “Next time.”

I didn’t want to be touched anymore. She had already violated my boundaries.

Again, I feel guilty.

What’s wrong with me that I don’t want a child’s hug?

It would have been better if I had been assertive and asked her to stay in her own space.

It would be even better if we had mats for the classroom.

Honestly, I would be happy in a world where we all sailed around glued to yoga mats, keeping our personal space—our own private islands as I call them in kids’ classes—intact.

I might invite you onto my island. But probably not.

It’s nothing personal. It’s a matter of boundaries.

When I’m in adho mukha svanasana and a teacher approaches from behind, hooks her hands in my hip creases and pulls, all my internal alarms go off.

My body perceives that as an aggressive action, a boundary violation.

I’ve had the same experience in savasana, waiting nervously to see whether or not the instructor will bring his body into my space to manipulate and massage me. With my eyes closed, I won’t know until it’s too late to prepare myself. So, I lie there tense, eyelids flickering, missing the chance to settle into that needed restoration.

Better adjustments (or assists), in my experience?

  • >> A gentle hand to the wrist in extended side angle or triangle
  • >> A spot in handstand, expected and requested
  • >> Anything from a partner who’s a peer rather than an authority figure

Best assists?

  • >> Words of encouragement
  • >> Verbalized and modeled cues
  • >> A teacher drawing near (when I’m upright and can see them approach) and conveying gentle guidance or concern when pain or emotions arise

While my boundaries may make me sound like a block of ice, I’m actually a hot, throbbing mess that needs a container.

In order to hold it together—and access the deep breath and concentration that allows yoga to work its integrating magic—I have to feel safe.

That’s why I need you to give me some space. Please stay outside my dotted line.

Then, maybe, I’ll be able to let you come a little closer.

 

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Ed: Brianna Bemel

About Amy Taylor

Amy Taylor writes about parenting, yoga and other journeys for jconline.com, GaiamTV, elephant journal and others. Find her biweekly columns here. She completed 200-hour YTT at CITYOGA in Indianapolis in 2008 and teaches classes for all ages at  Community Yoga. When she's not writing or practicing yoga, Amy loves to read, research and have adventures with her husband and twin sons. Follow her on Twitter.

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4 Responses to “Out of Bounds. ~ Amy Taylor”

  1. Linsey says:

    Amy, I can relate to this a lot, thank you for sharing. Something that also came up for me in studying Chinese medicine is blood deficiency – if you have low blood pressure like I do, and are actually blood deficient, being easily startled and ungrounded is a symptom of this imbalance. If you think about not having enough iron in your body, not enough earth element, it makes sense that one would be more flighty and easily thrown off center. Blood building foods are the best medicine for this!

  2. Robin Ivey says:

    When I was in Yoga training we were taught never to come up from behind someone and touch them. In fact not to touch any one without first asking permission. In the case of the downward dog adjustment, the instructor could use a yoga belt to give the same feeling of moving back and up into the hips without ever hand touching body. As a teacher you never know exactly what each student's boundaries are, it is better to approach from the perspective of respect for every individual's private space. Cultivate a clear and concise vocabulary of verbal cues and instructions, be able to give instructions in different ways to ensure understanding. If a person could really benefit more from a hands on, make sure your touch is direct, firm, confident, non-lingering and wanted.

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