Three Decades of Sex & What Have I Learned?

Via on Feb 1, 2013

Wow, has it really been that long? Almost 30 years since that first time? And three children thrown into the mix too?

I could fill a book with what I’ve learned along the way, but I’m challenging myself to whittle the list down to just five points.

So, where do I start?

Probably the biggest surprise over the years was that not everyone wants sex as often—this had never occurred to me before starting on this long relationship with sex. The less-than-useful discussions when I was a teenager always suggested that men had strong libidos and women needed to watch out.

How false that turned out to be!

What about the women with strong libidos and the men who just aren’t as interested? Why was that never mentioned? I think there’s a whole article in itself lurking here, about how a woman with a strong sex drive finds emotional and physical satisfaction. Thirty years on, and I’m not sure I have a definitive answer to that, but I handle it with more dignity than I did in my twenties.

Another surprise was that even if you have given up on ever making love the way you dream of, it can still happen.

Before I ever had sex, I had an image of how it could be—swept away on a cloud of bliss with my soul mate. I know I’m not alone in saying my first time having sex was anything but that blissful cloud, fun though it was. And the years that followed were marked with experimentation, sensual exploration and pushing the boundaries.

I left not only that first decade but also the second, still feeling as if I hadn’t ever made love fully.

I had even given up on the dream entirely as some old romantic fantasy when—wham!—it happened: I had the most blissful, loveful, ground-shaking experiences that were way beyond anything I had ever imagined. It took more than twenty years for me to finally feel as if I’d really made love. And then it changed my life.

When it is good, it is heaven!

But no matter how wonderful or dreadful, sex never stays the same—which was something else I had to learn. You can be with the best lover in the world, but they won’t always love you as you want to be loved—and you won’t always love them as they want. And you can be with the worst lover in the world, but that can change too.

Yes, some people are naturally intuitive when it comes to sex, but that doesn’t mean they’ll always use that intuition when we’d like them to. They can get distracted, stressed, disinterested. And others may seem like the clumsiest partners to start, but can end up being the most attentive and focussed.

Being able to navigate the ups and downs of sex with different partners and through different stages of life is  now a real skill that I appreciate more each year.

Then there’s one of the harder things I had to learn: sometimes, you just have to ask for what you want.

Not true for everyone, I know, but I found asking for what I wanted when making love one of the hardest things—for lots of different reasons. In the first place, I didn’t want to insult a new partner by suggesting that they didn’t really know what they were doing, which is how I felt if I had to prompt them.

Then, it also just felt totally unromantic to have to ask—surely he should know what I wanted if he tuned into me. What seemed even worse, as the years slipped by, was that I found myself having to actually ask for sex itself—because if I didn’t, it didn’t always happen by itself.

This last was perhaps the hardest challenge of all, as it meant looking at all those shadowy parts of myself that felt unattractive and unlovable. But I’ve learned to ask for what I want—and it’s a hell of a lot better than fuming in silence.

Above all, though, one thing that has been a real discovery is that sex can get better as time goes by.

I’ve read all kinds of theories about why this might be but my own theory is that we can relax more into who we are over the decades, becoming more tuned into our own sources of pleasure and feeling more at home in our bodies. Nothing interferes more with being able to make love with total abandon than worrying about how we look or an inability to relax into pleasure.

Like all skills too, practice makes perfect—and thirty years have offered plenty of training ground.

So, here’s to another three decades of yearning, longing and pulling my hair out in frustration as it doesn’t always work out as I want it to. But, especially, here’s to another thirty years of blissful lovemaking that leaves my head in the stars and my legs like jelly.

 

 

Like elephant journal gets sexy on Facebook.

 

 

Ed: Bryonie Wise

 

(Source: imgspark.com via Kate Palmer on Pinterest)

 

About Freya Watson

As a respected author and teacher, how we ground our heart-felt truths into the everyday experience of relationships, work and family is the foundation for a lot of my work. Finding our 'truth' is a challenge in itself, but living it day to day is an even bigger challenge. My books are all available on Amazon and my new volume of poetry, 'Sacred Poems from a Wild Heart', is published early September 2014. You can also find me on Facebook and read more on my blog. If you like what I write, you can subscribe to my Elephant Journal Feed here .

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11 Responses to “Three Decades of Sex & What Have I Learned?”

  1. MariEléna says:

    Gorgeous! Right there w/ you Freya as I come up on my own thirty years. Still figuring it out and surprised/elated to see that there is much more time to evolve and grow through this delicious aspect of my existence. Cheers!

    • Freya Watson Freya Watson says:

      Isn't that what I'd love to have known? That it can getter better – not only better, but wonderful? The wrinkles may be showing, but I wouldn't go back twenty years for anything! Thank you for reading and commenting.

  2. jim fry says:

    Freya,

    * CRINGE* – LOL – I had effectively zero sexual education and also had my first experience much later than most. After the incredibly Fryvolous fumbling tragic comedy of the first experience, I wanted some damn finesse! With an incredibly sweet first love, I simply told her "we can do that again, not that way!" and I *asked* her to teach me and show me how to be her lover.

    From that experience, with future partners I had an easy path and an elegant solution to the ubiquitous challenge of figuring out what someone likes and wants: I throw open the door, and just gently request:

    "Please show me how to make love to you … tell me whatever you feel comfortable telling me and guide me to understand you, your body & your mind."

    I'm not sure why more people don't do this, it makes everything so much smoother, but most don't, in my experience. While genuinely tuning into the rhythms of someone's body and their responses is fantastic and essential, I've found out just as much, perhaps more, by listening.

    Appreciation for your beautiful writing.

    (( By the way, what the hell is my last name doing, within your first? ))

    Jim

    • Freya Watson Freya Watson says:

      Jim, absolutely! Why is asking so difficult? But there's also the other side of it – that a partner knows what works for them and how to communicate that. At a deeper level, though, there's the energetic 'listening', where we quiet ourselves to the point where we start to pick up intuitively on what is needed in the moment to bring out the best in any exchange. Thank you for the beautiful comments.

      • jim fry says:

        Prego! Typo fix, too: "we *can't* do that again, not that way!"

      • jim fry says:

        I knew I was lacking an emotionally resonant and connected, complementary gem, now recalled:

        .blown.away.by.this.

        "Teach me how to be loved. Let me learn how to love you. Start now. I’m paying attention. I was made for this.

        So were you."

        ~ Jeanette Bursey LeBlanc via {peace.love.free} (( on FB & a Web Blog ))

  3. fitness_fox says:

    Loved this Freya. I am right where you are at as well – almost thirty years and three kids later LOL. You are so right about things changing. That goes for everything in life. You have to be able to adapt and roll with the punches to a certain extent, though being your own advocate is so important as well. Great read!

  4. As another woman with many years of life I agree… I have only recently learned to ask for what I want and need. And, suddenly sex is better than it was at any point in my life!

    Would love to have a man ask me to show him what turned me on….Though I agree it is a 2-way conversation that benefits from intuition, energetic connection and trust.

  5. Freya Watson Freya Watson says:

    Hi Walker, isn't that perhaps the challenge? Maybe we need to be leading the way, building confidence and sharing tools with the men in our lives so that they are better equipped not only to meet us in terms of intimacy but also to articulate their own emotional needs more clearly? It can get tiring, though, leading the way all the time and it is wonderful to hear someone like Jim (above) say that he has learned to ask.

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