Eye Candy, Sugar Daddies & Cougars (Oh My!). {NSFWish}

Via on Mar 24, 2013

Source: facebook.com via Yapert on Pinterest

Alyssa wrote this in October, 2011. Today, she got married! Congrats, Alyssa! ~ ed.

The dialog about men our age dating women half our age is a conversation that needs to be had.

And it has been, in comments and Facebook threads and emails. This is a sloppy sampling, that I hope will spark a larger conversation that we can all work with.

Why are so many men our age being drawn to women half our age?

I have no idea, really. Though I can make some guesses.

I suspect that they’re looking for sex and good times, in a way that they think will have no strings attached. There are a lot of flaws in this line of reasoning—a lot.

1. Sex, like most things, gets better with practice. I know that I give a better blowjob at 41 than I did at 31, or 21.

2. The strings are attached, very attached. I’m sorry, but if a 25 year-old woman is interested in a 45 year-old guy, it’s very likely because she wants something. To be taken care of, to get married, to have a family. Even if she says she doesn’t. At that age, they’re still planning their future, and if they’re f*cking you, it’s because they, maybe unconsciously, think you can help them get it. (Especially if you have lots of money.) (Extra especially if you have lots of money, a pot-belly and a hairy back.)

3. In their 20s, most people don’t really know themselves enough to be centered. Their expectations will seep out in all sorts of ways: jealousy, manipulation, fighting, games. Those are all strings, whether they’re pulled intentionally or not.

From many conversations with both men and women in their early 40s, I think that many men have an unconscious desire to return to the glory days of their initial sexual awakening.

Not just sex, but that sex, young sex. When guys are first claiming their sexuality, in their late teens and early 20s, there’s no responsibility, the pussy is all young, it’s all a party and nothing is permanent. Sex is just sex. Moreover, they’re lauded for their conquests. Nothing but fun. They’re too young to realize that their partner may be having a different experience, so it seems perfect.

Then life goes on, many get married, get jobs, start families. During that time, for whatever reason, sex often dissipates, and what sex there is becomes a form of emotional commerce. Their sex drives haven’t necessarily dissipated, but their sex lives have. And they’ve become fraught with responsibility, guilt, angst, manipulation, judgement..

When they find themselves divorced in their early 40s, some naturally want to go back to how sex was, so they look to the last place they had it—the early 20s. I doubt, really, if most men give it any more thought than that. I certainly don’t think that most men are predatory in any way. But if they’re looking for hot sex with no strings attached, then women in the most dramatic age of their life who are looking for security are not the place to find it.

Women on the other hand, tend to have a very different experience when we first come into our sexuality in our late teens and early 20s.

It’s a time of tremendous insecurity, of being used just for our bodies, of being called uptight if we don’t have sex and sluts if we do. Much of the time, when we do have sex, it’s to get something, or because we think we have to—if we don’t f*ck him, he’ll find someone else who will, and we’ll lose him. (And we’re still young enough to believe that we need him.) We worry about our bodies, our reputation, our skills. It is not a great time for most women.

So when we find ourselves divorced in our early 40s, many of us have a second sexual awakening. We aren’t looking back to that first time, we’re claiming it for ourselves, for the first time. Our hormones are raging, biologically speaking, we’re at our peak. Emotionally speaking, we have figured ourselves out and have autonomous agency over our bodies and desires that nobody in their early 20s can have.

What many of us want are men our age who have the same power and wisdom and experience, who will want us for who we are as people. We’ve given away the sexy bits for too long, on other people’s terms. Now we want to really use it, but on our terms. With people who appreciate it. Ideally, people who want a hot body, a sharp mind, an independent woman—no puppet strings going in either direction.

We don’t want to be your mother. We don’t want you to be our father. We want equals. And hot sex.

Why does it seem so wrong?

Why does it seem so wrong when guys our age date women half their age?

1. There’s an inherent power differential here that makes “true” consent almost impossible. She may say yes to things that she may not want, or may harm her in the long run, in order to get her goal. She’s not necessarily able to protect herself emotionally because she’s putting her emotional self on the back burner—because, in many cases, she hasn’t learned not to.

2. It’s also a weak choice for the man. It’s like an NBA player going one-on-one with a high-school player. How cool does the NBA player really look when he scores? And how good does he really feel?

But beyond that, many of these men are inadvertently validating the notion that most young women still have—that the only thing of value is their sexiness. We’re drenched in media images that tell us we have to be sexy. Not smart, not strong, not driven, not creative, not even kind. Just sexy. We’re only as valuable as we are sexy. The way we get things is with sex. When we’re no longer sexy, we’ll be tossed aside for someone who is sexy. Which is what it looks like when the older guy is with the younger new model of a girl.

When the supposedly older, wiser and more powerful amongst us behave this way, it validates those messages, becomes the acceptable mode of behavior. Imagine it’s your daughter, is that what you want her to learn? Do you want to teach her that that’s her value, and that’s how she should expect to be and accept being treated?

No? Then don’t set that example.

Again, I don’t know any men who would do this intentionally. But they do it unintentionally quite often. And it damages everyone. (Including themselves. They too deserve to be loved for who they are, not just what they can provide.)

So what, if so many are doing it knowingly? She’s getting spoiled, he’s getting laid, it’s equal commerce, right?

Wrong. In early adulthood, women are defining who they will be for the next decades. Just like in early childhood, when we teach children what works and what doesn’t by having clear rules and boundaries with our children. Early adulthood is a polishing of that framework. If we allow women to believe that they can and should use sex to get what they want, they will learn that sex is the commodity of value for emotional commerce, and it will become a game of debit and deposit.

Sex will become a tool, rather than a union. Sex, then, is not about what it feels like or even what it means in a relationship or to the individuals. It is simply a tool. Further, sexiness is judged only by physical appearance and ability to meet external expectations.

This separates women from their own sexuality. Rather than it being a part of them, it is a tool they use. And that can be used against them.

This is the first step in making a woman’s sexuality the property of other people. This is what makes it possible for “sex crimes” to go unreported, victims to be blamed, and continue using sexualized images of women as a way to sell products—cementing our belief that it is a tool of commerce, not part of a woman’s body and soul.

So yes, it’s wrong.

As my friend Hugo, who has written and lectured extensively on the subject, said to me in a Facebook comment thread:

And the onus is on the older men, too, to see through that. As a prof who works around sexuality/body image issues, lots of female students who first come to meet me are flirtatious because that’s how they’ve been taught they need to be to be taken seriously.

They don’t want to fuck me. They don’t usually even want me to want to. What they want is attention, and they don’t trust me (or any other man) to give it for any other reason. After I gently make it clear that I’m absolutely not sexualizing anything, they change. First time in my office hours, it’s miniskirts. A month later, its sweatpants. I take that as a compliment I’m doing my damn job.

But we also need to redefine sexy. It’s not just a hot body, but it’s also creativity, adventure, kindness, smarts… It’s the whole package. It is everything that we are, not just our collagen and follicles.

Why doesn’t it seem wrong when women our age date men half our age?

For me, personally, it seems weird, but not quite as wrong. I’ve had some very smart, hot and awesome guys in their 20s pursue me in damned near irresistible ways. But I can’t do it, because to me it seems selfish.

Source: colinstevenadams.files.wordpress.com via Vicky on Pinterest

I know that I want a relationship, with someone who is well-past wanting to start a family. Someone who knows who he is and what he wants. I don’t want to delay them from finding what they really want and need.

The sex may be fun—and I can easily convince myself that I’m doing a service to all their future women by teaching them what I know—but ultimately, it just doesn’t feel balanced to me.

I want to be emotionally and intellectually challenged—and someone younger than me is not likely to offer that. I want someone who can understand where I am in my life—easier if they’re in a similar place. I want to feel truly free and playful and able to explore the world—and someone younger than me who is just sorting out his future isn’t likely to be there. I don’t want to deal with the head games of youth—I didn’t like them the first time, I don’t want them now. And for gods sake, I want a man who has learned how to eat pussy, and as far as I can tell, that takes a good 20 years for them to master.

However, as I said earlier, I believe there’s a direct analogy to a guy’s initial sexual awakening in his 20s, and a woman’s autonomous sexual awakening in her 40s. In that way, I think that men in their 20s and women in their 40s are in the same place in terms of their sexuality. I think that’s why it’s less bothersome when the age difference has the woman on top.

There are obviously many shades of grey. Not all men are the same, not all women are the same. And I truly don’t believe there is any predatory or abusive intent.

But I do think we’re socialized to do things without questioning their impact on us or anyone else.

Speaking for myself—and observing many of my friends—the early 40s are a golden age for women. We’re hotter, hornier, smarter and more fun than we ever were in our 20s and 30s. It’s because we’ve been through the ringer and come out whole. We’ve been able to define ourselves for ourselves, rather than as we think other people want us to in order to get what we thought we wanted.

I cannot count the number of times I used sex to get what I thought I wanted when I was younger. I did it on “their” terms, not mine. To be the person they wanted, not that I was, because I had no idea who I was. I felt insecure, uncertain, disingenuous, and unstable, but I sure got some skills. Now that I know better, I have all these skills and am a more amazing woman than I ever knew possible.

And for those who value me for all the things that I am, and are lucky enough to know the lover I’ve become, it was worth the wait. No games. No drama. No goal. Just the powerfully awesome autonomous sexuality of a powerful woman, shared freely with a man who values it, to create something greater than the sum of its parts.

No strings attached, because it turns out, I’m not a puppet. I don’t want someone to pull my strings. And just as importantly, I don’t want to pull strings to manipulate anyone else either.

Unless, you know, we’re both into that.

P.S. I want to make a couple things very clear:

1. I love men. I love sex with men. I don’t think anyone does this on purpose, which is why it’s a problem. For every one guy who’s a predatory asshole conquering younger chicks, there are thousands who are just happy they found one who they think “freely” wants them. Those thousands would never knowingly or intentionally be part of the problem, because they don’t think it’s a problem.

2. I have, more than once, had sex with people who I probably shouldn’t have just because I got carried away and it seemed fun at the time. It’ll probably happen again. None of us are perfect. None of us are going to be perfect. It’s okay. The learning curve is long, hard and slow, (oh, come on, I had to.) But being open and talking about it is the best way to learn.

Other posts by Alyssa:

Why Everyone Should Get Divorced Before Marriage.

Life & Love After Rape.

Alyssa Royse is a hot mama in her 40s raising a teenage daughter and two young step-daughters. She’s a veteran entrepreneur, journalist and PR hack who is now working entirely to promote healthy sexual freedom for all humans—because sexual agency is a human right, and also an important part of health and wellness. A popular speaker and guest writer, she can be found most often on her eponymous blog, AlyssaRoyse.com, on her new start-up venture, NotSoSecret.com and as the co-host of the weekly radio show Sexxx Talk Radio on The Progressive Radio Network. (Downloads available on both prn.fm and iTunes.) When she’s not thinking and writing about sex, she’s generally playing with her big, queer, bi-racial family, traveling, reading or at the CrossFit gym sweating. Yes, she would probably love to come speak at your conference, or write something for you, contact info is on her blog. No, she does not want to date you, her dance card is blissfully full.

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Ed: Lynn Hasselberger

About Alyssa Royse

Alyssa Royse is a hot mama in her 40s raising a teenage daughter and two young step-daughters. She’s a veteran entrepreneur, journalist and PR hack who is now working entirely to promote healthy sexual freedom for all humans—because sexual agency is a human right, and also an important part of health and wellness. A popular speaker and guest writer, she can be found most often on her eponymous blog, AlyssaRoyse.com and as the co-host of the weekly radio show Sexxx Talk Radio on The Progressive Radio Network. (Downloads available on both prn.fm and iTunes.) When she’s not thinking and writing about sex, she’s generally playing with her big, queer, bi-racial family, traveling, reading or at the CrossFit gym sweating. Yes, she would probably love to come speak at your conference, or write something for you, contact info is on her blog.

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54 Responses to “Eye Candy, Sugar Daddies & Cougars (Oh My!). {NSFWish}”

  1. hermosayogini says:

    I think it boils down to a sense of entitlement. It is a certain type of man that gets it in his head that he is in some way more youthful, superior, attractive etc & that he deserves a young woman because of it. He's better than "regular guys" The woman is the object. It has very little to do the the actual woman…the only requirement is that she is young, fit and attractive. She is the same as the sports car, the house, or whatever other superficial BS that he feels tells the world "Hey Look!!" "I've made it!" If 2 people with a large age gap fall for each other…no biggie. It is when a man specifies, pursues and targets women at least 15-20 years younger that there is pathology involved in his mind set. I see it on the dating sites all the time. Their ego tells them they are entitled to it.

    • Brigadon says:

      If they can get the girl, that is proof positive that they are right.

    • YOGI says:

      “I think it boils down to a sense of entitlement. It is a certain type of man that gets it in his head that he is in some way more youthful, superior, attractive etc & that he deserves a young woman because of it. He’s better than “regular guys” The woman is the object.”

      Seems to me the men are the desired object: of women their own age.
      And those women are upset because these men have options, with much younger women, who themselves have all sorts of options – young men, middle aged men, older men; young women have the entire market covered!

      So basically middle aged women are left with what they perceive to be scraps – the men their own age who are not “hot enough” to get younger women. You know, those “more youthful, superior, attractive, etc” men.

      So its actually middle aged women who feel entitled to these hot middle aged men. But those hot middle aged men, by virtue of their “more youthful, superior, attractive, etc” are able to also attract younger women to them.

      The middle aged “regular Joe’s” are then what the middle aged women are stuck with and this doesn’t sit well with them.

      Time to practice detachment, ladies.

      • Marissa says:

        I agree. This just sounds like a way to shame men for natural sexual desires for youthful, beautiful women so that older women can more easily compete. But it ain’t happenin’.

  2. Alyssa says:

    I definitely agree that love can happen across a span of decades, even. But that when it happens as a matter of criteria or unexamined habit, there is something more, and perhaps more insidious, going on. And I do worry about using sex and sexuality as a tool, or a means to an end.

  3. mary says:

    I loved this post!, so right on!

  4. @chasrmartin says:

    Why do men in their 40s want to date women in their 20s? Equal emotional maturity.

    More seriously, I've got to say that women my own age often seem to me to be mentally stuck — I like 70's music, some of it, but I also like techno/trance/tribal, and I'm not necessarily excited about a Simon and Garfunkle homage. If I take a young women to a nice restaurant, she's pleased and impressed; if we go to Dave and Buster's we have a good time.

    Now, are all women my age in this time capsule? No. Do I occasionally sort of wish I didn't have to explain things that my friend couldn't possibly have known? Sure.

  5. Alyssa says:

    you rock! love love love!

  6. Kriya Yoga says:

    Looks are a part of it. But only a part. A lot of men say older women (ironically, women their own age) are bitter, hard, ball busting, un-feminine, un-nurturing, brainwashed by decades of feminist propaganda, etc.

    " I’m sorry, but if a 25 year-old woman is interested in a 45 year-old guy, it’s very likely because she wants something. To be taken care of, to get married, to have a family. "

    No need to be sorry. These are precisely the reasons why many older men look for younger women. Many men in their 40s are willing to start families and are looking for family oriented women of child-bearing age who are secure enough in their own femininity to allow their husband to take care of them financially while they take care of the home and kids.

    "Why does it seem so wrong when guys our age date women half their age?"

    It doesn't. Anything two adults engage in through mutual consent is their business, not ours.

    "There’s an inherent power differential here that makes “true” consent almost impossible. "

    You've GOT to be joking.
    Women in their 20s are at the height of their sexual power, while men much older than them are not. There may be a "power differential" but its the other way around. Besides, its this obsession with "power" that is a turn off for a great many men.
    If two people enjoy each others company and want to be together – end of story. Playing power politics is a major turn off for either sex.

    • Brigadon says:

      I have to say, I have much much more 'sexual power' in my 30's than I did in my 20's. I date 18 year olds because they are sexy, energetic, and a lot less likely to have been around the block with all my neighbors than the 'hot sexy 40's momma' That has no interior muscletone, is carrying 40 extra pounds, and has shelves here and there from carrying someone else's kids.
      Call it my 'biological imperative', my 'innate chauvinism', or my 'animal instincts', but I do not find a mother of someone else's children attractive. I spent 15 years securing myself financially and emotionally, and I see nothing wrong with using what I have rightfully worked my butt of for, to secure for myself a mate or girlfriend that I can be sure has no diseases, no baggage, and is reasonably likely to be the mother of MY children.

      Who is THIS writer, or anyone else for that matter, to tell me what I have the right to look for in a woman? To demand that I blow my hard-earned resources on some women who spent her twenties turning off the light after sex by hooking her toes in the car door?

      I choose who I offer the gift of a relationship to. The old vampire hags who blew off their loyal husbands can go looking someplace else for their next victim. The only 30+something woman I would ever be interested in is already married to someone else, and has been faithful to them for ten years and is not going to go fooling around with someone like me.

      And to the women who screwed it up, are 30+somethings and unmarried/undateable: Well, it sucks to be you. I hope you are an object lesson for some other girl that turns 30 and suddenly decides she 'can do better'.

      • Hank Chinaski says:

        Well said Brig. For thousands of years, Men were expected to look after their own spawn. It's only in the modern decline of western civ that mainstream media tells us to be cuckolds. Wake up.

      • Jennifer Milaksis says:

        “I have to say, I have much much more ‘sexual power’ in my 30′s than I did in my 20′s.”

        30s is still young. Take an age difference like 45 year old man and 20 years young woman. Its a huge power differential with the power lying with the young woman because the fastly aging 45 year old man is very likely to be completely besotted with the youth, beauty, fragrance and pheromones of the 20 years young woman. Which puts all the balls in her court (heh) and which opens him up to being possibly manipulated and used by her.

        A heady mix!

  7. Kriya Yoga says:

    " She may say yes to things that she may not want, or may harm her in the long run, in order to get her goal. She’s not necessarily able to protect herself emotionally because she’s putting her emotional self on the back burner—because, in many cases, she hasn’t learned not to."

    Says who?

    Most of the young (and aging) American women I meet are certainly not putting their "emotional self on a back burner". Quite the opposite. We all get loud and clear its all about the!

    "I cannot count the number of times I used sex to get what I thought I wanted when I was younger. I did it on “their” terms, not mine."

    You were doing it on your terms: in your own words, "to get what I thought I wanted". Really that says more about your character than it does the men you slept with, or should I say "used" to "get what I wanted".

    " I felt insecure, uncertain, disingenuous, and unstable, but I sure got some skills. Now that I know better, I have all these skills and am a more amazing woman than I ever knew possible."

    And that right there is part of the problem with older women in this country. Let me clue you in on what men think: they don't really care if you've got great bedroom skills or not. In fact, too many tools in the box could be a red flag, if you know what I mean. Rather, a good many would prefer that their woman did not have them when coming into the relationship, but learned them as she went along and the couple grew in their sexual repetoire together. No man feels a sense of pride that his woman banged a lot of dudes back in the day or acquired her blow job skills (which you seem to be proud of) from a litany of possible STD ridden c*cks. At best its an embarrassed shrug and "meh, what can I do, this is how things are today" to men and at worst (for women, anyway) its a huge red flag that would warn many a man to stay far away from her.

    • Eli says:

      Kriya Yoga, I'm going to reply to this thread of your comments for a few different reasons. First, your comments are too long, there are too many and I feel that I have an adequate understanding of your thoughts and opinions from what I've read so far. It's clear you believe strongly in what you write.
      I am a man. I want to point that out at the forefront so that I make it very clear to you and anyone else who chooses to read this that you don't speak for men and you certainly don't speak for me or any other men that I respect. What I'm left with most from your comments is your anger towards women and it seems that Alyssa Royse has unfairly become the living, breathing embodiment of your anger. I hope tomorrow when I wake up that these hate-filled posts have been removed so that Ms. Royse doesn't have to read them but just in case they are still there, I want my chance, as a man, to respond to you and directly:
      I care if a woman has bedroom skills. I find it attractive, not a red flag as you put it. How dare you call out this writer for opening up about her oral sex. How dare you make insensitive remarks about her oral sex skills and STDs. How dare you say that speak for men. As a man, I couldn't possibly think of a worst spokesman to represent us.
      How dare you antagonize, insult and judge this writer, who opened up her heart and mind about her growth from a young, at times insecure female to the woman she has become. It is apparent from your comments that you have serious issues with women and I recommend you seek therapy. I also recommend that you take your hate-filled, misogynistic, insecure self and you NEVER venture on this website again to vent them to this writer who certainly doesn't deserve to be the recipient of your overflowing personal baggage.

      • Dillon says:

        I want to know more about her oral skills please.

        • Brigadon says:

          I want to know more about her oral skills too. Of course, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole if she's over-skilled, but hey, voyeurism can be fun. no one likes sloppy 56ths.

        • YOGI says:

          She’s writing about relationships. As a relationship-mindful yogi the first thing I want to know about a woman is her commitment to the mindful life in general and the dharmic life in particular.

          Yoga or an otherwise mindful life requires self control, sexual restraint, the honoring of commitments made and a dedication to sattvic values.

          A progressive, mindful male yogi will look first for the above dharmic qualities in a mate, not her bj skills.

      • Howverydareyou says:

        Get a grip. I'm sure the writer of this piece doesn't need some anonymous, over sensitive, keyboard wielding white knight to defend her honour. You might want to hunt down that box you hid your balls in :D

      • Lily says:

        Thank you Eli from the bottom of my heart for being an example of the truly positive masculine. As a newly divorced woman in my 40's, who is hopeful about having a loving partnership with a man, which will be a first for me, as I've chosen aggressive, angry men in the past. When I read things from men like Kirya Yoga, I start to question if it is even possible to find someone that embodies what I am looking for. Our culture doesn't help much either. You have inspired much hope in me and have helped me trust in my inner voice that says, I have much love and sexuality to offer and some good men see it and welcome that.

      • YOGI says:

        Eli, the yogic lifestyle or an otherwise mindful life requires self control, sexual restraint, the honoring of commitments made and a dedication to sattvic values.

        A progressive, mindful male yogi will look first for the above dharmic qualities in a mate, not her bj skills.

  8. michelle q says:

    this article reeks of generalization. you write like you have everything and everyone figured out, and age and gender seem to be the major determinants of what someone manifests. life must be so limiting through these lenses, both for you and for those you encounter.

  9. Dillon says:

    So what you are saying is that when you were younger you had sex for men's resources but now want to have sex just for pleasure?

    Why do you want to deprive your younger sisters the same opportunity?

    • wdodman says:

      She wants more resources. The young girls are competition.

      • Marissa says:

        Ding ding ding! Older women are realizing that their economic resources are not as attractive as a younger woman’s beauty, kindness, loyalty, and maternal/domestic skills. Why do you think feminism has screeched against such feminine attributes from the start? To take down the competition, psychologically brilliant tactics.

  10. Maia says:

    I have to say, I’m a bit disappointed in the massive over generalizations here. Not every relationship is created the same, with the same intentions. As someone who was in a relationship with a man 13 years older than me in my mid-20s I can assuredly say that there were no intentions for needing things from him – in actuality I was more financially stable and secure at the time. Some times there are connections between people that just don’t make sense to anyone else but themselves. Are there people in multi-generational relationships that have other intentions and needs, absolutely. But are there those relationships that are founded on the same mutual respect and compassion as people in the same age bracket, absolutely. ANY relationship can be selfish and ANY relationship can be unhealthy. Sometimes it’s age but sometimes it’s intention, personal habits, or any host of other things. Sad to see the judgement here.

  11. YOGI says:

    Yoga or an otherwise mindful life requires self control, sexual restraint, the honoring of commitments made and a dedication to sattvic values.

    A progressive, mindful male yogi will look first for the above dharmic qualities in a mate, not her bj skills.

  12. YOGI says:

    “So when we find ourselves divorced in our early 40s, many of us have a second sexual awakening. We aren’t looking back to that first time, we’re claiming it for ourselves, for the first time. Our hormones are raging, biologically speaking, we’re at our peak.”

    Nobody, neither female nor male, is at their peak at 40. Quite the opposite we are on the rapid decline. Oh, we can slow that decline down through healthy living but peak biology for women is between 18-24 years of age. Peak biology for men is around the same, not too much older.

    Perhaps the new rush of heightened sexuality that women in their 40s sometimes describe is Mother Nature’s way of saying, “you will be approaching menopause shortly so have your last go at reproducing your DNA before your eggs are totally gone.”

    • Marissa says:

      Excellent point. Same for men’s “mid-life crisis” when they’re nearing the end of their fertility +which is much later than women’s.

  13. Sithicus says:

    I think that best reply to this article was written by JudgyBitch. http://judgybitch.com/2013/03/26/older-men-with-y

  14. YOGI says:

    Here’s what the rest of the world thinks about America’s obsession with making personal sex life public. LOL!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s84qym3mEpo

  15. DirkJohanson says:

    I’m 50 and my gf is 22 and she has way better sex skills than any of the hundreds of other women I’ve been with, including fellow porn stars

  16. Paul says:

    I have news for Alyssa.
    I'm a male age 56.
    The women in their 50's are all this, and more so.

  17. Kyle says:

    I am a 37 man so allow me to explain why men have sex with women far younger. I typically have sex with girls between 19-24 because I find them more sexually attractive than women my age. Women my age have do not attract me sexually as much so I do not pursue them. Younger women have less wrinkles, tighter bodies, and less expensive tastes. This makes them more desirable and easy to deal with. I personally do not like women who challenge me, are bitter, have children, or are difficult.

    I work hard at being desirable to young attractive women. I work out six times a week two hours a day, I have a professional career, I dress well and keep up with whats current. I do not put in all this effort for a woman approaching 40 like me.

    • Jennifer Milaksis says:

      “I work hard at being desirable to young attractive women. I work out six times a week two hours a day, I have a professional career, I dress well and keep up with whats current. I do not put in all this effort for a woman approaching 40 like me.”

      I hear ya! I’m 36 year old woman and my partner is 28, and while that is hardly any age difference to speak of, I still make sure to always look (and be) my best for him. I wouldn’t put in the same effort for a man my own age UNLESS he was putting in the same (or more) effort. But most men seem to let themselves go at that age. To be fair, maybe most women do too.

      My younger partner’s physical fitness and good looks inspire me to keep up.

  18. Revo Luzione says:

    This article is silly and judgmental, which proves my point, that most older women have more baggage than Lady Gaga on safari. It also fails to take into account the importance of biology.

    Women are born with all the eggs that they'll ever have, so her eggs are all as old as she is. Conception is a risk after age 40 for both mother and child.

    For men, we're constantly making new sperm, and a guy who takes care of himself, i.e eats well, doesn't smoke, exercises, he will make healthy sperm into his golden years.

    As a mid-30's guy who was about to be married to a same-aged girl who left me for, wait for it, a wealthy, much older man, I reserve the right to date, sire children with, and marry, if I choose, any consent-aged woman I chose who also chooses me. I want to have children, so therefor I must date women 24-27, so that we can date for a couple years before having children.

    It's taken me this long to get set in my career, and if I hadn't been left at the altar, I'd probably be married to someone my age cohort. Thankfully, through sheer luck, I avoided a potentially harrowing marriage, and now I've earned the right to be with someone who appreciates me and whom mutually wants to have children with me.

    I don't care AT ALL if some post-40 harridan judges me for dating younger women. It's just sour grapes on her part for making poor choices when she was younger to marry someone she later divorced. Maybe if she'd have been with an older man who is secure in his career & masculinity, she'd still be happily married to him instead of writing these screechy articles online.

    Oh yeah, I thought this was a yoga site, where people are non-judgmental and compassionate? Where's the ahimsa?? I guess you have to be a perimenopausal woman to warrant the ahimsa treatment around here. Men who choose to exercise their reproductive imperative must apparently forfeit any compassion from their age-cohort peers, until which time they "man-up" and date some broads their own age. If that's what it takes to receive compassionate treatment, I'll take the cold shoulder, the judgy stares, and the women who are half my age, thanks.

  19. YOGI says:

    Revo Luzione,”Oh yeah, I thought this was a yoga site, where people are non-judgmental and compassionate?”

    This “non-judgement” thing is a western adaptation of eastern values so they can use it to justify all kinds of behavior that would never be tolerated in an authentic yoga ashram or community.

    Authentic yoga culture is very much discriminating, discerning and makes clear distinctions between right and wrong conduct.

    • Revo Luzione says:

      "Authentic yoga culture is very much discriminating, discerning and makes clear distinctions between right and wrong conduct. "
      Excellent. The minute I see some people from this community or any other excoriating women for their reproductive choices as equally as they do that to men, I'll hail that community as a beacon of authentic yoga culture.

      • YOGI says:

        ” The minute I see some people from this community…”

        You probably have never had any exposure to an authentic yoga community. Its certainly not found on the internet.

  20. Moses says:

    Why do men in their 40s want to date women in their 20s?

    Three words: younger, hotter, tighter.

  21. There's a lot in this article that merits a response. Some because it is reasonable. Much because it's not. When I first started reading this, I got about half way through before I started skimming it. As a man, it made me angry. As a thinker, it’s clearly dripping with logical fallacies. It appeared to be a polemic masquerading as an opinion determined to be accepted as truth. So I took a breath, backed away from the keyboard, listened to my own listening and re-engaged. Apologies in advance for the length of this, but there seemed no way to express these thoughts more concisely. Because of the length, I have to break it up into several comments.

    PART ONE

    All meaning is contextual. I have no doubt that the world the author grew up in (late sixties / early seventies) was still a fiercely patriarchal world (despite the necessary rise and rise of the feminist movement). To suggest that the past twenty years bears much more than a passing resemblance to the twenty that preceded it, strikes me as an abject denial of reality. The world is different and we – men and women both – are different as as consequence. A woman born in 1990 has grown up in a world in which, despite the multitude of insidious ways in which women continue to be marginalised, she (by and large) has the right to vote for who she wants, be educated about what she wants, make her own choices about her own body, decide where, when and with whom to engage, work where she wants, live where she wants, travel where she wants, easily gain access to finance, and generally know far more about the past, present and future than any other adult generation before. Most women I meet in their twenties are far more self-assured than most women in their forties would report as being back then.

    That doesn’t make it universally true, of course, but it is a common experience I hear from folks in their forties talking about folks in their twenties.

    There's much less need to fight for ones right, to demand to be heard, to insist upon being taken seriously (yes, the need is still there, stipulated). There are far greater protections in law and in social normalising then there were for a woman growing up in the seventies. Many more women in their twenties grew up with self-empowered, educated, fiscally self-reliant, politically active and socially connected mothers than most women in their forties now could claim. To labour the point, it's not the same – and it's entirely unreasonable to use one's self as a data point to make sweeping generalisations about this current generation of women. As a man in my early forties, it's equally unreasonable for me to imagine that I have my finger on the pulse of that generation of women either.

    There may well be elements of truth to the authors contention about men my age; it's challenging, however, to wade through the polemic, and a real exercise in self-awareness to not jump at the myriad of baited hooks this article is peppered with. It's written in a way that, not surprisingly, evokes a strong response in the men who've commented. I want to call bullshit on the author, but there is definitely much in here that demands consideration (it's just unfortunate that the reader is expected to wade through so much unsubstantiated, ill-informed, self-referential rhetoric to find it).

    Here's what not only I, but many of the men my age who have taken their own process with a little more mindfulness would likely say given that this sort of discussion is neither new nor particularly evolved. Men have been accused of much worse – often with good reason – and have specifically been called out as assholes by the women of their generation for millennia. Yawn. We're bored, and unilaterally wish that instead of grinding axes you were using them to cut dead wood.

    Again, it's possibly a fair characterisation of some men, but its baseless to assume that all men who date much younger women are either latent abusers, party to some unconscious paradigm of suppression or out and out manipulators. Beyond that it's unnecessary and completely counterproductive to what I'm hallucinating is the author's intent (to make us aware that, perhaps sometimes, this is, in fact, exactly what is going on).

    • Marissa says:

      Patriarchy is a delusion. Most Sicilians do not benefit from a small percentage of Sicilian involvement in the Mafia.

  22. PART TWO

    So, here's a break down of what's wrong with this article (followed by a breakdown of what's right):

    1. Everybody wants something; it goes with being human; if you don't know what you want, or don't know how to ask for it clearly, then you manipulate in order to get it; almost everybody does it, whether we want to or not
    2. Claiming that most people in their 20's don't really know themselves is matronising (no, it's not a real word, but it bloody-well oughta be!). I'm confident that most folks in their twenties reading elephantjournal know themselves well enough to not even express outrage at such an asinine assertion
    3. Men like having sex. Period. So do women. Most people (I believe) would like to be having more sex, more often, with more people. What is each individual looking for in that experience? Who-the-fuck knows and, frankly, who the hell cares? We're all looking for different things based on an incalculable number of variables. There will always be patterns to be discerned (including those the author points out). Some may well point to a social malaise that would benefit from interrogation. Others won't
    4. Men, by and large, enjoy having sex with younger women. Not always, not exclusively. But they do enjoy it. Why? Well, far be it for me to take up the torch for men everywhere but I suspect that it's because they are (often) more physically vibrant, less hung up about life, have more available time, are more relaxed about sex, often don't have kids, or careers or weighty obligations and don't view chivalry as an affront to their 'she-ness’ (thanks Californication) but as an expression of care. They view sex as a playground – and why the fuck not? Who decided it all had to be so goddamn serious anyway? Ask a bonobo what they think (of course they won't tell you, they'll just welcome you to the party!)
    5. There is no consistent timeline; the author goes from talking about 'women in their twenties' to coming 'into our sexuality in our late teens and early twenties'. I agree that there is a substantive difference between being 18 and being 28. If you're going to make generalisations, at least make them consistent; now I don't know if I agree or disagree with you because you just redefined the parameters of your argument
    6. I'm delighted that divorced women in their forties are claiming their sexuality for themselves for the first time; it's awesome; it's exciting, enabling and, quite honestly, as sexy-as-hell; just don't let your own unbridled enthusiasm for your new claimed power make you so arrogant that you ignore the possibility that women in their late teens – through late twenties might have a lot to teach you about sex and sexuality as well; youth ocassionally have good cause to be ‘arrogant’
    7. I've had amazing sex – heart-connected, intellectually-stimulated, physically mind-blowing sex – with women in their forties. It's been a while since I had sex with a woman in her twenties, but from what I hear, it can be just as good; ultimately, you bring yourself to the experience, and you gain more from what you give than from what you try to take; isn’t that always the way?
    8. Consent is consent. You can't manufacture a new form of consent called 'true consent'. We all give our consent to the experiences we have in our lives based, again, on an incalculable number of variables.
    9. It's a weak choice for a man to go for the younger, hotter, more contemporary, more energetic, more stimulating women? Really? Sex isn't the NBA. It's not a competitive sport. But it should be fun. Who wouldn't choose the more fun option if it were available to them?
    10. The dominant message for women is that they are only as valuable as they are sexy – maybe. It's undeniably a strong message, but the truth is that young men are suffering too. Boys are beginning to drop out of more academic pursuits because girls are getting so much of the attention. One of the core messages that young men hear in the media today is that women are better than them – they are smarter, more capable, more balanced, more hopeful, more responsible, MORE MORE MORE than men. When was the last time you saw any major social mission focused on the education, employment, self-awareness and support structures for young men? Boys are learning that they are, in every way that seems to matter, less than girls
    11. the double standard on slamming men but not holding women to the author's imagined standard of healthy sexual behaviour with younger partners is a mote in god's eye

  23. PART THREE

    This is what's right – or at least reasonable to assert:
    1. Sex gets better with practise – absolutely
    2. The strings are attached – absolutely; as they are for pretty much everybody in one way or another; it's not the healthiest way to engage, but as soon as anybody says 'i want this' they're placing conditions; wouldn't it just be simpler to say 'i'll love you the best i can, for as long as i can, for as long as it feels good for both of us'?
    3. Young men are (often) not paying attention to the reality of their lovers' experience; young women aren’t either
    4. If you're looking for hot, NSA sex, older men (typically) won't find that with older women
    5. We want equals; and hot sex – damn straight – who doesn't want that? Please respect me as your equal and permit me to exercise my own intelligence and self-awareness to determine who is mine
    6.There is a very real danger of women unconsciously commodifying their sexuality and using it transactionally rather than embracing it as a part of themselves; the same, unfortunately, is increasingly true of men.
    7. We need to redefine sexy; amen
    8. Women in their forties (now) are hotter, hornier, smarter and more fun than they ever were in their twenties and thirties. Yes!

    If you've made it this far, congratulations. It's not so much a 'comment' as a response. The final thing I will say is that the piece of this article that most resonated as truthful, and that made the entire article palatable was, unfortunately, buried at the end of the article and, punctuated, most regrettably, in the post-script. It's the author's roar, her unrestrained declaration of self – one, I suspect, that resonates for all of us, regardless of gender, or age or experience:

    " … for those who value me for all the things that I am, and are lucky enough to know the lover I’ve become, it was worth the wait. No games. No drama. No goal. Just the powerfully awesome autonomous sexuality of a powerful wo/man, shared freely with a wo/man who values it, to create something greater than the sum of its parts … None of us are perfect. None of us are going to be perfect. It’s okay. The learning curve is long, hard and slow; but being open and talking about it is the best way to learn.”

    As a powerfully autonomous sexual man, wedded to a love that is greater than myself, I hear you. Thank you. Deep gratitude for sharing your self with us, for providing an opportunity to be heard and for stimulating a healthy enquiry. Most importantly, congratulations on your marriage!

  24. K. says:

    “Women in their forties (now) are hotter, hornier, smarter and more fun than they ever were in their twenties and thirties.”

    Says who? Does self-describing as “hot” actually have any meaning? Isn’t it for those around you to decide? If you’re “hot” you’ll know it because people will tell you. If you’re not, well, we won’t tell you. No need to shout it from rooftops to try to convince us. There’s a physiological reaction in the bodies of both men and women when the eyes perceive “hotness”. We know it when we see it. We FEEL it in our bodies when we see it. Believe me, we don’t have to be told.

    The only way a person would be bothered by not being perceived as “hot” is if they held “hotness” in high esteem as a human value.

    And if someone holds “hotness” in high esteem as a human value, well, there’s more issues behind that than can be dealt with in this comment section.

  25. Chris says:

    While I am not yet 'dirty old man' age, I have had relationships with women much younger than me.

    A consistent feature of these relationships has been expressions of excitement and relief at the fact that they can be with someone who can be massively attracted to them while not having that attraction dominate the nature of the relationship.

    I'd also like to note that the 'sex gets better with experience' factor works both ways, and a bit of communication, sensitive and skill can make a tremendous difference to a young woman used to those 'young men in their thoughtless glory days'. Think of it another way – would you really recommend some arrogant, thoughtless 20 year old boy as a sexual partner?

    Does the older man really have that much more power, particularly in terms of inflicting social consequences like the frigid/slut attack that is so tolerated even in a school context?

    I put the proposition – these older men who treat young women as sex fantasies did it when there were 20, 30, 40 and will keep doing it as long as they can get away with it.

    The problem isn't an age differential, the problem is poor attitudes towards women. Don't get distracted.

    • Jennifer Milaksis says:

      “I’d also like to note that the ‘sex gets better with experience’ factor works both ways, and a bit of communication, sensitive and skill can make a tremendous difference to a young woman used to those ‘young men in their thoughtless glory days’. Think of it another way – would you really recommend some arrogant, thoughtless 20 year old boy as a sexual partner?”

      I don’t like the generalizing about young men. My best, most sensitive partners have been men in their 20s. There is an eagerness to learn and an eagerness to please in them.

      The worst lovers I’ve had have been men older than me who think they already know everything.

      Talk about arrogant!

  26. adventurenutrition says:

    Great post, thank you. Especially this sentence: "But I do think we’re socialized to do things without questioning their impact on us or anyone else". Even some of the comments have total disregard for the impact on others. Thank you for writing.

  27. Sara Plummer says:

    Thank you for the article. It tells half the story beautifully & those exact sentiments have swum in my head for years trying to reconcile our gender balance.

    As a relationship coach, I now counsel my clients to balance both their logical, thoughtful prefrontal Cortex’s with their primitive -perfectly natural- instinctual limbic system that will forever crave youthful, symmetrical beauty & fertility.

    Attaching shame to our men for being men because it is disadvantageous to us as we age, is unfair to them. Yes, it is often more beneficial for men to allow the growth opportunities & stay with someone their age – though it appears the most appropriate spread for men and women is about 9-12 years with the make advanced in age.

    It is unfortunate & opportunistic for much older men to hide from their mortality & regrets from their youth by chasing a woman that reminds them of their younger selves & psychologically buys them more time. As we are not in charge of others growth, we can’t comment on the mutual benefit two slightly broken people unify for to conquer daddy issues & feelings of inadequacy.

    The fact that it happens so often speaks to our biology- unfortunate & annoying as it is. Thank you for bringing to light one perspective to be considered in our very different gender needs.

    My research of late & the book I’m working on is revealing that all those years of fighting what is may have made me right, but certainly didnt make me happy.

  28. Jodeen says:

    Enjoyed this immensely. I am 51 and have never been stronger, hotter or sexier in my whole life. Just spent the last 5 years in an amazing relationship with a man 15 years younger. Deep, soulful, love. Pretty sure he and I had had this relationship many times before, but we were in two different places in time. I had been married for 20 years, divorced for 2 and had a 11 year old daughter when we met. He had never been in a long term relationship, never been married and desperately wanted children. We always knew we had a timer on our relationship, but no way to not go there. The breakup was devastating, but we tirelessly stood by each other, because our friendship is so strong and important. So much love there. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Now, I wonder what is next…

  29. orion says:

    Women have their sexual peak, their are of prime fertility at the age of 17-24, youth and beauty are fertility markers after all. Not my fault that they wasted that, by slutting it up with jocks, players and assorted clowns.

    Then they enter a phase of rotating polyandry, I am sorry, serial monogamy to find "the right one". Not my fault that noone was good enough.

    Men on the other hand reach the height of their sexual market value somewhere between 35-40, because for men, status, education and income matters more than youth and looks.

    You had your party then, we have ours now.

    You did not want us then, we dont want you now.

    As to the "biological prime". Yes, women experience a slight testosterone surge after 35 or so, probably because she needs to be more sexually aggressive if another pregnancy is to happen because she is no longer pursued as she was so she gets that extra kick of hornyness to make it happen.

    That is not a "biological prime" that is a last hurra, a last desperate flowering before the winter comes.

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