There’s No Sex in Your Violence.

Via Kate Bartolotta
on Mar 21, 2013
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Courtesy of Ultra Violet

Part of me feels like since I’ve never been raped, I somehow don’t have the right to address this.

But I don’t have to have experienced rape to know that there’s a world of difference between pleasurable, consensual sex and being tortured while you are passed out.

Here’s the thing, with all the discussion about Steubenville and the insanity of both the media responses and the internet commenting, we seem to have forgotten one key point.

This is not about sex.

Maybe that bears repeating:

This is not about sex.

This is not about anyone’s sexual choices, not even the boys in question. This is not a situation where a couple had too much to drink and had regrets about their sexual choices afterward. This is not something that happened because the boys were crushing on this girl and wanted to be with her.

This is about violence. This is about power over someone weaker or unable to fight back.

These actions come from the same well of depravity that fuels childhood bullies and adult sociopaths.

What horrifies me more than the choices these boys made is the reactions far and wide in the media as well as all over social media. In a particularly stomach-turning roundup, Buzzfeed shared the following reactions from Facebook and Twitter:

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And if the pack mentality reactions of strangers isn’t bad enough, let’s not forget all of the witnesses who were present and did nothing. If we wanted to truly make a difference here, for this community and for our society, we would hold these people accountable.

When we, as a society, look at this and see just another news story, we are accountable.

When parents and schools teach children to prize success over empathy, they are accountable.

When we breed a generation of sociopaths by not teaching our children to value and protect vulnerability instead of attacking it, we are accountable.

When we refuse to teach our children about sexuality in a loving, healthy way, but allow them to be immersed in violent media, we are accountable.

This is not about a girl being a slut, unless while I wasn’t looking unconsciousness somehow became a hallmark of sluttiness. This isn’t even solely about a few boys who did the unthinkable. This is about us. This is about the fact that “We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.” This is about the fact that we teach our boys (and girls) that weakness is the biggest flaw they can have, so when they see it—they attack it.

We look at the gang rape on the bus in India and are horrified, but when it happens in our country, the girl was “clearly a slut.”

Part of me didn’t want to write about this. I’m tired of thinking about it. It angers and saddens me. The public reactions anger and sadden me even more. But until we are angry enough and sad enough about this to change the cultural perception of rape, we need to keep talking about it.

This isn’t someone else’s problem; this is our problem.

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{Infographic Courtesy of Ultra Violet}

It’s time to change the conversation.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

~ Edmund Burke


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About Kate Bartolotta

Kate Bartolotta is a wellness cheerleader, yogini storyteller, and self-care maven. She also writes for Huffington Post, Yoga International, Mantra Yoga+ Health, a beauty full mind, The Good Men Project, The Green Divas, The Body Project, Project Eve, Thought Catalog and Soulseeds. Kate's books are now available on and Barnes & She is passionate about helping people fall in love with their lives. You can connect with Kate on Facebook and Instagram.


17 Responses to “There’s No Sex in Your Violence.”

  1. Danielle says:

    Thank you for writing this. The fact that this had to even be addressed saddens me so deeply. As a woman who has been degraded by rape in similar circumstances to this young woman from Steubenville, I hope that she is able to move forward, regain her trust in humanity, and keep her faith in love.

  2. Amy Cushing says:

    Awesome Kate! Thank you for writing this. It's a conversation that has been overlooked one too many times.

  3. Victoria suescum says:

    Thx for writing these truths.

  4. JoY says:

    I was appalled at a conversation I was having at work about this; my co-worker states that the victim holds some accountability because she let herself become so drunk that she was unconscious. I countered that NO ONE has the right what so ever to molest, attack or rape *anyone* in any circumstance. I struggle with this idea however- More than likely your adolescent is going to become inebriated at some point and most certainly when you aren't there… Do we need to instill more power into a buddy system? Is this how we have to raise our children? That you are never safe? Believe me, I'm terrified of the idea of what my kids will do when they are growing in teenage years and experimenting with alcohol and maybe drugs… I remember I had put myself in a position of very high vulnerability once or twice while growing up, and thank my lucky stars that the boys I had been around weren't scumbags.

  5. 18icicle says:

    Sex certainly is a component of rape and to declare otherwise is ludicrous and off target. Rape is the misuse of sexuality and sexual body parts in addition to violence, control, anger etc. It's a hate crime, and a sex crime. These boys (and most) would probably never ever do such activities to other boys/men. They didn't just beat her up and toss her around. They didn't just try to make her eat aw onions against her will. Rape is a sex crime. It involves a specific gender and sex and often an attempt to degrade ones sex and sexuality. It's criminal to lump all rapes into having "nothing to do with sex". An utterly mindless statement. In this headline case in particular. It was an absolute defiling of a female gender, and sexuality and sex, acted out sexually. Anal sex, oral sex, hand jobs and masturbation were all included in the acts that night. I'm not even sure anyone even punched or choked or hit her (aside from dragging)- which would be pure violence/anger/control. The boys did none of the sexual acts on each other- but only to her. If it wasn't about sex, why rape? If it's purely about control, well, umm she was passed out…and they didn't just tie her up or beat her up (in fact they didn't even do that). They effed her up sexually. Sex takes on many forms from love to violence to power and everything in between. It IS a component in rape. At times, a very HUGE component. Do everyone a favor and stop using this trendy declaration. This is a very poor, trite article.

  6. paul says:

    I wonder if part of the problem is not having the language to separate "consequence" from "deserves" (that is, not wearing a seatbelt does not mean someone "deserves" to get in an accident any more than driving a car or walking by a road would). I don't know (and clearly most media doesn't know) the language to express "protect yourself" while at the same time showing contempt for the rapist and not the victim.

    I also wonder about the motivation behind slut-shaming; I have used it to excuse wanting "the slut" (and the power over "the slut" I'd have (the term implies not only an intent but a power-dynamic), and to try to control the situation after it happened, but I think more is there for culture generally (beyond just fear of sex and women).

  7. Manasi says:

    Thank you for this.

  8. liz gray says:

    i heard she'd been roofied: drugged unconscious, rather than drinking herself unconscious. whatever the cause of the unconsciousness, this should NEVER have happened. may her trust in human nature somehow be restored. i wish for her a community of those able to provide steadfast love and compassion, and i wish that she can somehow reestablish a sense of safety in her life. goddammit, what a mess

  9. Jeannie Dunphy says:

    I have seen way too many girls exhibit this kind of behavior….out of control , into the 'getting wasted' mentality and obviously never taught anything different. This woman was not an innocent victim and she, her parents, and other parents like hers should be taken to task. I almost feel as if the girl wielded the same kind of stomach-churning arrogance and "power" the next day when she threatened the boys for what she now suspected they had done. But the boys get crucified and the girl is just about made into a heroine. something is wrong with this picture. I am NOT condoning rape! I am just saying lets really look at responsibility and consequences before we start calling the wrong people sociopaths.

  10. Jodeen says:

    The fact that this is even a dispute over whether it is 'wrong" or not is horrifying. There is no circumstance what so ever that it would EVER be o.k. for someone to deserve this sort of treatment. Our men and boys are deeply screwed up and it is time to step forward and make them be held accountable for their actions, but more importantly to set the bar higher in the first place.

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