Why Your Ex Is Getting Over You Faster.

Via on Mar 28, 2013

GoodbyeStuff [iStock]

Time and time again, my private clients, readers and loyal fans ask me this same question: Why do men seem to get over a breakup faster than women?

I find this one of the most interesting topics surrounding breaking up…one that needs much more light shed on it to fully understand why.

This is a question that I am particularly capable of answering—why?

Because I got over my ex the way a man moves on from a woman.

No, I didn’t run off to a strip joint.

No, I didn’t go out every night with my friends and get wasted at the local bar. And no, I didn’t jump into the arms of the next hottie that winked in my direction just to have a warm body next to me in my very empty bed.

I know that you are thinking your ex must be doing these things, and that this must by why it seems like he’s getting over you faster than you are getting over him, but this just isn’t the case.

He may very well be doing these things, but I can promise you it’s not the reason why he’s getting over you faster than you are getting over him.

Before I tell you why your ex (or any man) gets over you (or any woman) faster than you can get over him, I want to preface this by saying it’s something that comes more naturally to them than to us.

But just because it comes more naturally to them, doesn’t mean that you can’t do the same thing.

Once you learn what he’s doing to get over you faster, you can actually do it better. 


Because once you learn what to do, you’ll actually be conscious of what you’re doing to get over him just as fast and you’ll implement his process with an absolutely clear, powerful intention.

And with that kind of intention (instead of just doing something because it’s second nature and therefore many times unconsciously) you’ll be activating the powerful Law of Intention.

The Law of Intention states that our intentions are actually more powerful than our hopes, wishes and wants. When we state an intention, gather our energies, and keep our target in our sites, the universe will back our intentions.

Therefore, when practiced, the Law of Intention is the basis of all manifestations.

So, back to getting over a breakup and why it seems easier for men than it does for women…

Your ex is a man (I’m assuming). Men are naturally made up of more masculine energy than women, although women can develop just as much depending on their life’s circumstances.

Masculine energy is rooted in strength. It’s the goal oriented, focused energy that creates independence, self-confidence and accomplishment. It’s the energy behind drive, goal setting and not giving up until you’ve ‘won.’

Let’s look at an example:

When a man decides to get in shape, he might quite literally get out a notebook, separate the page into seven columns and track each workout throughout the week.

If you have plans with him, he’ll make sure to squeeze in a workout before your date. If you ask him to do something earlier that interferes with his workout, he may very well say no.

He’s taking care of himself then. And he’s not going to let you (or anything else) interfere. He’s focused, determined, and driven to succeed at his goal. His mind is made up…Period. End of story.

What you need to understand here is that a man does the same thing when be breaks up with a woman (or is broken up with by her). And by nature, the only thing he knows how to do (because he’s being run mostly by masculine energy) is to get over it as if it’s a new goal on his list.

So, enter masculine energy at its best…bringing a man’s strength, determination and drive to get over you as fast and humanly possible. It’s just how he’s wired, my dear.

Your ex isn’t getting over you faster because he didn’t love you, doesn’t still care, or because your relationship was a ‘fake.’

He’s getting over you faster because it comes as second nature to him.

This doesn’t mean that you, too, can’t get over your ex with this kind of sheer determination. But for you (as with most women), it’s going to take setting an intention to mend your broken heart  as if your life depends on it.

It’s going to take you setting an intention to get over him with all the strength, self-respect, and energy you have left inside that beautiful body of yours.

You literally have to put yourself on a mission to heal your broken heart. And just like accomplishing any mission in life, it’s going to take focus, time and discipline.

You’ll be amazed at how quickly you start to feel better…how quickly you begin to feel energized, refreshed and renewed.

This is how success feels. It will come from cultivating your masculine energy and focusing on healing above anything else. Once you’ve done this…once you’ve begun to heal…you’ll be well on your way to starting your life over, too.

Just like you’re watching your ex do right before your eyes.

So, have you set your intention to heal? What it is? Have you set set your intention and declared to the universe that you’re not only ready to heal, but that you intend to heal with every ounce of your being?

Write it down. Create an intention statement. Here’s an example:

“I declare my heart’s independence and support myself fully and completely to heal every ounce of my being!”

And remember, once you set this intention…the intention to end your pain and suffering and love yourself enough to help yourself heal…the universe will start to back your intention and begin to help manifest the strength, courage and faith that you need to continue walking your path of recovery.

The universe really is on your side—but only if you allow it to be!




The Laws of Breaking Up & Getting Over it.

12 Tips for Getting Through a Breakup. ~ Renée Picard

How To Survive A Breakup Without Closure. ~ Jen Donnell


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Ed: Bryonie Wise & Brianna Bemel

(Source: the-b-train.tumblr.com via Michele on Pinterest)

About Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak is a #1 bestselling author, speaker, and expert transformational teacher on love and happiness, whose work has been featured on ABC, NBC, Yahoo, and FOX. Ellen has been interviewed with and endorsed by top thought leaders, including Marianne Williamson, Marci Shimoff, Arielle Ford, and Dr. John Gray. internationally acclaimed Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over Him Doesn’t Have To Be!". A professional dating and relationship coach by day and fun-loving dating diva by night, Ellen offers love advice and coaching for thousands of men and women around the world on her website and through her proven coaching programs. After surviving a breakup with her ex-fiance of 5 years, Ellen realized that her sense of self-worth and self-love were suffering. She promptly developed a plan to mend a broken heart and heal herself from the inside out, which she turned into a revolutionary downloadable system. To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here. A South Carolina native who spent her twenties in Southern California, Ellen combines her East Coast sensibility with her West Coast spirit to teach, inspire, and guide individuals and couples towards long-lasting success in life and love. Ellen’s bestselling book, Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over It Doesn’t Have To Be! rapidly became the go-to guide for people all around the world suffering through the pain of a breakup or divorce, and she now teaches this empowering healing system globally through her home study courses and one-one-one private coaching programs. Ellen’s books, digital programs, and private services are thoughtfully designed to heal you, empower you, and motivate you towards your happiest, healthiest, and hottest life yet. Ellen’s mentoring and private support also include special services to help couples heal their past, reconcile their differences, stay together… or learn the healthy process of breaking up or divorcing with dignity and grace. For more information + a free audio course giftbag (worth $197) .... visit www.ellensmoak.com.


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26 Responses to “Why Your Ex Is Getting Over You Faster.”

  1. keelyellenmarie says:

    Ugh, yay gender stereotypes. None of the four men I have dated have anything remotely like the coping style you describe… in fact, the guys in my relationships were the people who couldn't move on.

    • crimsunkg says:

      While I concur that there seems to be non-trivial stereotyping, what we readers could substitute is the general self. Surely we embody some degree of resilience; then the takeaway is that we should take care of ourselves with all the love and compassion sometimes reserved for others.

    • Laura says:

      I feel the same way! Two of my first boyfriends banded together to make my life miserable as revenge for me moving on so quickly. Another ended up messaging me a year later telling me he needed another chance, but I'd already been dating someone else for about that long. The next one stalked me after we broke up, then I moved cities and he continued to call me over a year later to hash things out….. There was another who almost moved cities to move with me (I was looking at my move as an excuse for a clean break!) but I managed to convince him he was better off going back home… Later he messages me about how he took me for granted and regretted it. I couldn't stomach the thought of dwelling on these guys or the relationships we were I because the reasons they all ended included me not being happy.

  2. Diane D'Angelo says:

    I much prefer Susan Piver's book, "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart."

  3. Yogi says:

    Thought provoking and interesting, even though there were too many grammatical errors! Just sayin.

  4. Muks says:

    I had expected an insightful article about comparing our insides to other people's outsides. I am not sure where I read it but my understanding is that men take longer on average than women to get over a breakup. Still I have the impression that men get quickly over me while crying oh so long for some other chic.

    By the way, I am much more of a planner than my boyfriend. Therefore he is more spontaneous. I don't think these traits of character have anything to do with gender.

    Thanks anyway to put your thoughts out there.

  5. Alain says:

    You just copied a person else’s tale

  6. Lyn says:

    This is great – EXaholics.com is another good resource.

  7. Robin says:

    Thank you for putting into words what I was forced to learn this year. Life made me get over my ex sooner than he got over me because so many other occurrences in my life made me actively choose and fully intend for us to be over-for better or worse. At first I played the "feminine" role and then I switched to play the "masculine" role in your generalizations. I don't agree with the gender roles per se but there are different ways to approach things like this that may appear as polar opposites or mixtures in certain people. There is a very impressive power in simply making a decision that I only recently discovered in this context.

  8. Joshua says:

    I'm feeling like you may be finding a sense of release in discovering a certain expression of your gender identity that may have previously been suppressed. There are certainly other women who haven't discovered how to express their full personality in this regard, but I don't see this post as a general solution that is viable across the board. It primarily sounded to me like an overcompensation that was made by someone who was insecure and felt a huge need to get out of pain, as though the natural healing time weren't fast enough. I think that a balanced and healthy response to emotional pain in a breakup involves generally rediscovering who you are without the other person, being honest about what pain is there and creating a lot of space inside for it to be there as you go through whatever stages of healing you need. I think that mimicking men who are internally calibrated to break commitments with the women in their lives and limit intimacy, because they sense these things as infringements on their freedom is a poor strategy for healing wounds.

  9. Becky says:

    This felt just like watching an infomercial. The law of intention seems like a legitimate way of thinking to get things done. But the links went to a fluffy little column about being your bad-ass self or something similar, where you could then purchase the author’s products. Out of all the articles I’ve read here, this is the first time I’ve felt the need to say this: I’m disappointed in you, Elephant Journal.

  10. Laura says:

    Another gender stereotype that is completely wrong….in fact I always assumed it was the opposite if anything. I'm a woman, I wouldn't consider myself masculine at all, and yet it's always been me that recovers and moves on at almost lightning speeds….really pisses guys off, best revenge ever lol. I've just always been the type of person who cuts my losses quickly and adapts and moves on. No use on dwelling on failed love when there is sooooo much love to go around. I'd rather pick myself up, learn from my mistakes and look for someone better next time around. Some used to call me a serial dater, but I was just trying to experience life and learn by trial and error. I now have a wonderful husband, better than any parter I could have ever hoped for, and one I wouldn't have if I'd spent too much time dwelling on my exes.

  11. Stephanie says:

    I enjoyed this, and am going to incorporate this law of intention into my healing process. Thank you for sharing!! The men I've dated do tend to be similar to those you've portrayed here. Why it didn't dawn on me before I read this, to focus on getting over it, rather than live in the grief and good memories is beyond me, but I'm going to start now. Day 1 of being determined to get over this already. Wish me luck!

  12. alex says:

    gender stereotypes are horrendous here, can't relate to this at all, bad advice. Love is love regardless of gender and break ups affect individuals in different ways – also men may appear to cope better – but if we are going to 'gender stereotype' surely this is more likely due to an inability to publicly show emotion .. (also changing and not the case often today, some women may also put on a very good front) it doesn't mean that they don't have the same inner heartache.
    I know many women who are very organised, driven and plan in the ways you say are 'natural' to men – this is not natural to men and women are just as capable if they are treat as equals from a young age. Being too driven and neglecting emotions can sometimes be a very negative thing indeed – I really think your piece needs re-reading and reflecting on, reading it angered me.

  13. Melissa B says:

    This article is completely stereotypical, and quite frankly, it is incorrect. This certainly does not, under any circumstances, apply to all women, and it certainly not apply to all men, either. It appears to apply to weak women, with not much sense of strength or self, and if that's how our gender is viewed as a whole, then I am genuinely offended. Grown, confident women do not behave like this, I'm sorry. We can recognize when something is not right for us, put it in the back of our minds where it belongs, and move forward with dignity. We will go through the necessary emotions, and may not need to jump into bed with the next thing that crosses our path, as a lot of men seem to, but it doesn't mean that we're not putting them behind us. It means we're putting ourselves first – before any man, and allowing ourselves to heal. Sorry, this is my least favourite article that I've ever read on this site. Simply not true, in my opinion.

    • Liz says:

      I totally agree, Melissa. and never once have I set an intention, put it on a post it and stuck it on my bathroom mirror to "move on!" Puh-LEASE! Get real here. Who is this author?!!

  14. guest says:

    I think the advice given here is fantastic. Good stuff from Ellen Smoak.

  15. Galen says:

    I can't really add to any of the comments except to say that I am in agreement with those who were disappointed by this article. However it does have the light and fluffy stereotype driven hollow self help messages that I have seen in most of EJ's articles of late. I could throw a stone and find twenty case studies that show the opposite pattern and twenty that support it. Human beings are by nature capricious and varied. Everyone recovers at their own pace and generalizing based on gender is not only scientifically fallacious, but ridiculous.

    Frankly I'm also a bit insulted as this belittles the emotional impact a relationship can have to me simply because of my gender.

  16. This was an exceptionally inspiring and well written article. I enjoyed how you’ve described this process for men and how it differs from how women might approach it. It also helped me to better understand how my ex was able to move forward so quickly, with the intention to get over me, but also combined with the intention of meeting someone new. Thank you for this reminder to remain focused on our intentions and move forward, harvesting the lessons from our past relationships while moving forward :)

  17. Cheryl says:

    Ewww… total stereotyping and gender role ridden, and completely untrue.

  18. Marc Van Steenkiste says:

    Sorry, being a man I absolutely disagree. More ex partners (women) got faster over me than the other way around. I guess the one who leaves has the advantage. And in most of the cases around me it’s the woman who leaves and (allow me to be a bit cynical) the man who pays. Maybe that explains something.

  19. Lyndsay says:

    Fascinating article on brain chemistry on EXaholics.com: http://www.exaholics.com/2014/09/25/brain-love/

  20. Nunki says:

    Yeeaaa, this seems like a very narrow view on how post-breakup dynamics go. What about the idea that maybe the person (male or female) that seems like they're getting over things is just repressing feeling anything negative? Surely after any significant amount of time spent with another person in a relationship, there should be some kind of regrouping period for each party to recenter themselves? Perhaps a person's failure to do this and immediately jump into dating, bar-hopping, clubbing, whatever….might mean they're just not doing that? I totally get the idea of wanting to get over someone (being determined as the article states) rather than lingering in some kind of victim mode or even waiting for the ex to come back….but I don't think the context in which the article is written is really conducive to making THAT point.

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