We believe we allow love.
We think it’s a matter of a person showing up for us, being in our corner, spending time together and the right words.
We may see allowing love as outside of ourselves.
What are their actions? What are they doing? When will they get a clue or stop that behavior, which makes it hard to be with them?
We stop love dead in its tracks, by our picture of what we imagine love to be; whether it’s from a story, movie, our own experiences or our family.
It’s not to say we should put up with someone who truly hurts us and means us harm.
It’s just not all about the other person; it’s about us too.
Do we allow ourselves to truly and deeply be loved by another? Really?
Do we allow ourselves to fully and completely love the other person or are there conditions?
Most of the time there are conditions on both ends of the spectrum.
If we allow ourselves to be fully loved, we have to open up and release the obstacles we’ve put in the way.
This includes patterns of conditioning; focusing on the shortcomings of others so we remain closed; fear they will abandon us if we trust them, and having to reach inside ourselves to be honest and vulnerable.
That’s quite a list. Almost always, the other person possesses some of our same obstacles. We’re mirrors.
Allowing love, means to go inside and confront our fears.
Everything, which is against love, will keep us in pain as long as we continue to allow it to rule our relationships.
When we complain about the other, what are we saying about ourselves?
I love someone and he loves me.
Neither of us have done a very good job at allowing the other person to love us fully and completely.
We’ve done a dance of intimacy.
If he disappointed me, I closed up shop and headed down the street. If I triggered something in him, he found the nearest emotional cave.
We met a long time ago. The lessons learned about myself in this relationship have changed me in ways that I could never have facilitated on my own.
I used to have a tendency to be a lone wolf, picturing myself as Thoreau; I’d have been just fine (not really). When I met this man, he had the same conditioning. Before and since then, I’ve been moving out of my conditioning through realizing my need for love of myself and for others in my life.
The two of us were used to being self-sufficient, because no one ever tried to meet our needs, support or accept us as we were; we were both used to purposely (unconsciously) finding people to fulfill that conditioning.
We both knew emotional avoidance in relationships, because there was no vulnerability. When we met, it was time to wake up! Allowing ourselves to be loved was our biggest issue of self-worth.
It’s so hard, isn’t it?
How do we run away from allowing someone to love us:
- >>By picking fights
- >>Judging their love
- >>Cutting off and hiding out emotionally
- >>Purposely doing things to create emotional distance
- >>Our feelings, words and actions don’t match
- >>Getting in our head and out of our heart
- >>We criticize ourselves and our apparent weakness for loving someone who gives us so little or does things to upset us
Let me reiterate, our partner is probably doing the same thing. It takes two to tango!
What can we do to allow love to rule within us, to be open receivers and givers of the nectar of life?
1. Recognize we deserve to be loved fully and completely just as we are.
Become aware of the ways we don’t love ourselves, and all the obstacles we place to our own happiness. Why do we think we don’t deserve love now? It’s time to make love to ourselves.
2. Stop protecting ourselves.
It’s almost funny, because there’s no such thing. We end up hurt, because you still go through the experience, doing it in-authentically, instead of being fully present emotionally. This starts the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” conversation in our heads.
3. When our partners want to participate fully in our lives, we need to let them.
Let them support you, walk beside you, listen to you, make love to you, cheer you on, let them in….all the way.
Feel the fear and do it anyway. You may cringe, or have anxiety, because you don’t feel good enough to have this person participate. Step through that wall and allow it, you’ll get used to it.
4. Break a pattern
Call it opposite day. Whatever your first reaction or your comfort zone is in relationships, do the opposite. Stop yourself from doing what you always do.
Don’t run, hide or shut down; throw up walls or anything else to stop honest, deep feelings/insecurities from being shared. Be vulnerable, because every time we let our heads get in the way, we make more issues for the relationship. We never feel good unless we speak from the heart, which means no finger pointing. Say it with kindness.
6. Have fun!
Make time for fun, every minute you can with your mate! Life is short, truly…so laugh, kid and play with love!
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Ed: Kate Bartolotta