Online Dating?

Via on Apr 18, 2013
(Photo: Sad and Useless)
(Photo: Sad and Useless)

Online Dating FOR SCIENCE: entering the strange,  virtual world of Online Dating.

(Ongoing updates will be posted here) Newly single, I’ve gone on a few dates but want to meet someone…who’s more of a match. So it’s time to enter the wild world of…Online Dating. For science!

So I asked my friends and community for tips, and their experience, good and bad. ~ ed.

Meeting folks is all about community, whether virtual or in real life.

I recently parted ways with an amazing lady I dated for a decent while. Why? None of your business. But basically: I love being single. I love having time to myself (which my ex also loved, we were a great, er, match) and I love dating. For now.

I’m 38. In the next few years, I do want to have fun, and at some point have a (huge) family (we’re talking dozens of children). And given my dates of the past few weeks…all with beautiful, intelligent women who were in no way, er, matches for me…I’ve thought for the first time of entering the strange matrix that is online dating.dating romance adviceSo I asked my friends their experience. In the next few weeks, I’ll update this post with my experience.

It’s mainstream enough, now—in various cities I visit it’s how folks meet one another, really—that I don’t find it embarrassing or desperate. I’m not desperate (smiley face), after all. I’m happy to meet folks the old fashioned way—you know, in person—and ask them out. And I’m happy to be alone, in the meantime, me and my dog and my high bar. I have many pals who’ve had, at the least, good dates, or, the the most, met some really meaningful fun people in their lives through the various sites.

But I don’t know my way around. What site is best? Pay (Match.com) or don’t pay (OkCupid)? What other sites are any good? Is it all a waste of time?bachelor dating relationships wisdom tipsSo I asked a few of my friends, below, for their experience. Here’s what they’ve said, so far.

Online dating? Any experiences, recommendations on sites or critiques of sites, horror stories, success stories? I want to put a “mindful snapshot” together asap about the world of online dating, which I know nothing about, in this “modern” era of social media and workaholics.

Either comment below or privately message me with anything you’d like to share on the record, but with or without your name, up to you.

Valerie: OKCupid is free, which is always nice… although it did try and hook me up with my ex saying we were an “exceptional” match. That kinda sucked. OUCH!

Am: I found one of the greatest loves of my life through online dating. A dear soul that I doubt I would have ever run into the “natural” way. We met and dated and married and he will forever be part of my life and I know he changed me for the better. (unfortunately he is no longer with us) I found the process very rewarding and hopeful and way better than any chance meetings or previous connections I had ever had. I only had a few dates before connecting with him and they weren’t horrible just not great. I used match.com (this was a decade ago..wow) Prior to that I had tried a more expensive video type that was HORRIBLE it was like old dudes too busy to find a young chic to hook up with…4 of the worst dates ever and cost a lot but after that I did match.com and it was lovely!!

Michelle Marchildon: Two yogis went online to find love. Each asked the other, who is your favorite local teacher? It was me! I married them last summer. And you know I can’t make this stuff up.

Dave: Found my amazing wife!

Mark: I met great friends on Nerve. Com and my heart love on Match.com.

Sven: I have found online dating in Colorado to be absolutely worthless from the male perspective. Any female friend of mine can post a profile and have literally hundreds of responses. Myself and the quality men I know seem to get lost in the shuffle. I find that online dating, or the effort to try to meet someone online accentuates the neurotic mind. Because I am forever an optimist and I really do want partnership, and because there are times when I am single and I need to go somewhere with my relationship energy, I will periodically go online and write to a bunch of women knowing that my thoughtful and intelligent email will get buried under a pile of emails that simply say, “Hey, you’re hot, what’s up?” and will never be seen or read by the woman I write to. So I can say that I have tried numerous sites, and for me all of them have been an absolute waste of time (again, apart from giving me some place to channel some energy.) I can also say, that I have seen the same women on these sites year after year after year. And clearly the online effort is not working for them either. They seem to be so inundated with a deluge of responses, that they are unable to find the right men. Obviously, all of this is also heavily influenced by our attraction patterns. Clearly, I am still attracted to the wrong women, those who are not interested in someone like me. Many of the women I witness online are still attracted to and responding to the wrong men, those who do not end up being a good relationship match. I really believe that the power of computing technology should make it so much easier for all of us to find a well-matched partner in life, but for me that has absolutely not been the case.

I will also add, that when I visit Canada and put a post online there, I have a completely different experience. It seems the ratio of men to women is a bit more balanced there and so things work more effectively.

Have fun with this article, thanks for investigating the subject matter and I am really happy to read the comments of people who were able to use the internet as an effective tool in meeting partners!Anita: green singles has been fun… and I have made some good friends never a romance… if one really wants to be in a relationship… maybe it is all good.. cast your intention – then let go – sign up online, go to things that you like and enjoy, and then be the person you want to fall in love with. I hear it works!T, a childhood friend of mine: “I have two friends, one who used Ok Cupid and the other Match who are married happily after about 6 mnths-1yr of dating a few people using those sites.
I met my man on Okcupid and it’s almost 1 yr since. We only matched up at 75% but I had a few bad dates before him that rated us in the 90%.”D: Hey Waylon, Here is my story.I met my partner X on Gayday, a gay online dating site. We met on it and chatted a ton. Then he was gone, he had met someone and ended up being with him for 2 years. Then two years later we were both on it again. I was single for the 2 years serial dating. We met again on it 2 years later and that was history. 9 years later, we are no longer together, all good we love each other and even are still living together as room-mates for now. Question is…will I go back to on line dating? As a gay man who is not into the bar scene and who is so deep in yoga, where will I meet guys?
xoK: Hi Waylon…about online dating. I actually just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with someone I met on eHarmony. We lived together but in the end just weren’t the right fit.

The site was pretty good…the matching up/connecting process is different levels of answering multiple choice and essay questions so I liked you could weed people out before you were able to communicate directly with one another.

An interesting aspect I’ve recognized since the break up though is how social media plays into the split. It’s almost as if it’s like a divorce settlement. Do I unfriend/unfollow him…his family….friends…etc? He uses Foursquare like crazy so I’ve been intentionally not actively using it (which, is a different ballgame since in some past relationship breakups I’ve wondered “what he’s doing?” “is he going out?” “is he having fun without me?”…ya know, the typical tricks your mind plays on you during those raw moments…but the thing with social media now is that you KNOW if your ex is doing things and moving on and having a great time without you, there’s no wondering, you KNOW! That’s hard. Even on Facebook the last few months I’ve fallen into the role of observer (maybe even stalker per say) vs player since I’m unsure how to proceed…do I post how I’m truly feeling at times and allow his family/friends to know I’m heart broken, do I comment on something and then risk him seeing it on his feed, etc. The heaviest ponder at times is if/when his status is going to change to “in a relationship”. There’s a level of wanting to stay connected but with that connection certainly comes some serious soul searching to what you can handle while still trying to heal and move on with your life when something is so in your face and at your finger tips (literally).

Adding social media into the mix is such a different animal now and it certainly comes into play when people split. It’s something I haven’t had to deal with before and I do think it’s worth touching on in some aspect….of course, that’s just my personal opinion. : )

About Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of elephant magazine, now elephantjournal.com & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat." Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword's Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by "Greatist", Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: "the mindful life" beyond the choir & to all those who didn't know they gave a care. elephantjournal.com | facebook.com/elephantjournal | twitter.com/elephantjournal | facebook.com/waylonhlewis | twitter.com/waylonlewis | Google+ For more: publisherelephantjournalcom

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39 Responses to “Online Dating?”

  1. bsj says:

    can you please make this more 'readable'. ugh

  2. shannon says:

    I'm glad you posted this because it's something I've also been considering. Being in my early 30s and also post-breakup, it seems like it could be a good way to get back out there. Your feedback from friends sounds mostly encouraging. Maybe it's a sign to give it a try! :)

  3. Stacie says:

    I met my husband on eharmony. I too was reluctant to try online dating. I felt like a loser having to resort to what seemed to be desperate measures, but I had a friend who was doing it and she said it was wonderful. It was like shopping. You get to investigate the product, read the information about it, etc. before having to commit. I liked her analogy and I kind of viewed it as such. I spent a lot of time emailing back and forth with people, but the first man I actually spoke with on the phone and met….we married.

  4. elephantjournal says:

    From a reader who just read this:

    Tiffany: I have some of the best (and most horrifying) stories from my okcupid dating experiences. I also managed to make some amazing friends through the site's now practically defunct journal community. People from all over the US that I never would have met otherwise. After basically giving up on dating and using okcupid to fill the time when work was slow, I met a pretty amazing man…who happens to live very close to me, works within about 3 miles of me and attends my church. I'm not sure we'd have met otherwise. So far, it's a success story, but only after basically giving up on humanity.

    The anonymity of the internet brings out the weirdo in lots of people, and not in the good way.

  5. Paul says:

    I think that for average middle aged men without money like myself, internet dating is a complete waste of time. I think the criteria they use to determine compatibility is way too statistically based. Love cannot be measured by statistics. Many profiles are phony, so you wind up sifting through spam which is really a waste of my time and money. If I want to find a sense of community, dating services are the last place I would choose. Such social sites as "meetups" are much better ways to find genuine connection with real people not just another profile that probably doesn't even exist.

  6. xamountofwordz5 says:

    One of my friends had met his girlfriend of two years on Okcupid, and he suggested that since I was not happy with the types of guys I had been attracting and the ones I had been meeting when I was out with friends that I sign up. I was nervous about it, because even though online dating has become more common, it is still stigmatized and taboo in some ways. Honestly, I wasn't sure about Okcupid, because it is a free site, and I associated it with other free online dating sites like plentyoffish, which I didn't think would really get me the meaningful, serious relationship I was looking for. I was pleasantly surprised to find that, although I had some "interesting" experiences chatting with guys and I definitely had my share of "hey baby" messages, I also met a few guys who were really sweet, honest and fun. I'm a bit of a control freak, so I liked that being on Okcupid allowed me to chat with someone online until I felt comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers and eventually meet up in person. I went out with three of the guys who I talked to for at least a month online. Much to my relief, the guys I met in person were genuinely nice guys. My boyfriend, who I have been with for over a year, was the last of those three who I had gone out with, and I do not regret using Okcupid for a minute. He is the first long-term relationship I have ever had, and despite the fact that to this day my dad, who is very traditional, has no idea we met online, my views on online dating have changed as a result of our relationship. For me, Okcupid and the guys I met online and got to chat with, even the ones who I did not choose to give my number to, gave me an immense confidence boost. I had been dating so many guys who weren't serious about me and didn't care about me that before I went on Okcupid I had pretty much given up hope of finding anyone. Even in my first few weeks on Okcupid, I was viewing it more as a social experiment than as a way to find a life partner. In the end, I had nothing but good experiences. My boyfriend tells me, and some of the other male commenters have noted, that the experience online for guys is drastically different. He messaged many girls and either did not get any response, or received simple "no thanks" messages. He said I was one of maybe three girls who had actually held a conversation with him and seemed really interested in chatting and getting to know him. Some of my friends have used other sites, like match.com and eharmony, but they have had varying results. I know that one of them I referred to Okcupid went out on a few dates, but hadn't really had much luck in meeting anyone serious. Obviously, I got lucky in my experience with online dating, but it is still something I would recommend people try before saying it is impossible to find a meaningful relationship online. I never imagined in a million years I would fall in love with someone I met on a free dating site, and I have.

  7. elephantjournal says:

    From a childhood buddy of mine: "Marrying my online date tomorrow, success story on all levels!"

  8. kmzam says:

    I recently (last week) finished a 3 month subscription on Match.com. It wasn't a waste of time, but it wasn't productive either.

    One suggestion Match (and other dating sites I would imagine) ought to stress to it's users is, when composing your profile, use SPELL CHECK. And grammar check. Have someone read your profile to proof it for mistakes and content. Many men don't seem to think these things matter, but they do, because it's the first impression you're making on someone, and a long, rambling profile that lacks capital letters, commas and periods does not make for a good first impression. At least it doesn't for me. I'd like to think men my age have the ability to string 2 sentences together that have all the words spelled correctly and some punctuation. Maybe I'm asking too much.

    There's also the problem of men (my experience) just wanting to get laid (particularly younger guys even tho my age range was 11 years in either direction – I'm 50), and wanting to get personal info (email address, phone #) WAY too soon in a conversation. I found a lot of men wanting to rush thru the preliminaries, for lack of a better term. And the "I'll tell you later" answer in to some of the profile questions (like: do you smoke).

    I realize that you can only reveal so much initially, but not answering questions or being evasive is always a red flag for me.

    I haven't decided whether I'm going to renew my subscription and give it more time, or maybe try eharmony instead, or just stick to trying to meet people in "real life". Most people I know seem to have had a lot of success with on-line dating (eharmony and Match being the 2 most oft used sites). Me, I don't know. I don't really like it, but at the same time, it certainly opens up the pool of available people to meet/date.

  9. Nan says:

    Eeeek! I tried match.com for about five minutes. I even paid, to get the full experience. But I couldn't bring myself to 'wink' at a photo of a guy. Or reply to anyone. It was just too weird, so I deleted the account. I'm stuck in the 80's, I guess. Sorry :)

    I'm going to have to meet my new man the old-fashioned way. When I have a minute, haha!

  10. Frodis says:

    After my divorce, I signed up for Match.com because I frankly had no social network to draw upon. I had been married 18 years and, basically, he had been my social life for all of those years. I'm also very introverted, which makes it hard to get into situations to meet new people. So since my sister had met her husband on Match, and I'd had a few friends who had used it, I thought I'd give it a try.

    It was a bit overwhelming at first – dozens of winks and messages. Some rather eloquent; some very direct; some absolutely baffling. I basically went out with the first two guys I had communicated with. The first one was a nice, good looking scientist…but then he started requesting pictures of me in a cheerleader outfit (I never was a cheerleader…buh-bye!) The second one…well, a year and a half later, we're still together. I know I would've NEVER met him "IRL" – we are quite opposite in many ways. He's a musician; I can't carry a tune in a bucket. He didn't go to college; I have a doctorate. He's a great cook; I eat cold cereal when left to my own devices. But we did bond over one common interest: Star Trek! I had described myself as "Vulcan" in my profile, so his first message to me was: "Can you arch your eyebrow?" I was hooked!

    My logical brain says that the "algorithms" used by eHarmony in theory SHOULD produce the best results. But my experience says that variety is the spice of life. In your profile, if you focus on the one or two things that are most important to you – or one or two aspects of your personality that are strongest – then much of the other stuff is negotiable, in my opinion. Frankly, I wouldn't want to date myself. So, I embrace the differences. I hope he does as well.

    Oh, and one tip: if you're using Match on a smartphone, be very careful not to accidentally "wink" at someone as you're scrolling through (I did this! Oops!). You'll never get rid of them! :)

    • kmzam says:

      I agree with you re the eharmony algorithms … compatible on paper doesn't really mean anything. It's chemistry – you either feel a connection or you don't. And that possibility lies with anyone… hence the saying "opposites attract."

      Thanks for your story – it's inspired me to seriously consider renewing my subscription on Match.

  11. Robin says:

    I met my husband online.

  12. elephantjournal says:

    From a reader who just read this: I just deleted my okcupid account yesterday so felt curiously compelled to write you…funny coincidences are to be followed. Jung said so!

    I have met many sincere fellows on okcupid in the last year. If you answer lots of pertinent questions honestly (I mean HONESTLY) you will find people like yourself. That plus an up-to-date photo and you're solid.

    I found this person's guide( DCMerlin's ) to be helpful in understanding how the algorithms work and how to answer questions to get the most useful percentages.

    I agree with his conclusion about percent matches. Those that I had the highest compatibility percentages with were very much like me…so much like me that sometimes it was down-right eerie. Few of those oh-so-similar dudes excited me in other ways. Those that I had a high friend-percentage with were the ones that had I had better dating experiences with.

    I think online dating is like anything else, you get what you put into it. If you want to find people to date, you will. If you are looking for a mate I think dating as a life-style may actually hinder your search. Just my own experience and conclusion. I deleted my account for that reason.

    I think because of my age, and kind of no-nonsense profile, I got fewer weirdos than some. Most of the men who contacted me were downright wonderful. If their notes showed they had actually read my profile/looked at my stats/read the answers to my profile questions, I always went out with them. It felt mean not to. I met a lot of very good people but never did find a match. I don't think that had anything to do with online dating, it had to do with my reasons for being there in the first place.

    Does that make sense? Good luck in your search and happy dating!
    C

  13. Deanna says:

    Waylon, Didn't you just announce you were getting married? I'm so confused. And, erm, I'm online. And, erm… single…

  14. sarahaweaver says:

    What I have never liked about online dating is the feeling that I am shopping for someone, and that someone could be shopping for me. Humans are so much more complex than one page will offer, and the things you might rule out online (eg, I only like tall guys would eliminate the medium height or short person you met in person.) I haven't figured out how to rectify this feeling of creating an identity that will be shopped.

  15. elephantjournal says:

    Waylon,

    Plenty of Fish seems to be the site that everyone is using in my neck of the woods. It's a free site and, last time I checked, there were intelligent people using it. There is a way to search for people based on what kind of relationship they are looking for. Settings range from 'one night stands' to 'Looking for Marriage'.

    I'm looking forward to hearing how this goes for you! I get way too picky when I am reading profiles and have never been able to go through with a date. I always convince myself that there must be something about the person that is awful or they would not be using the internet to date (ha ha. . . even though I have signed up for these sites myself in the past). I hope you prove me wrong! Or at least share some interesting stories :)

    Best of Luck!!!

    J

  16. Lisa says:

    I'm attaching a link to a blog post of mine inspired by one of your (Waylon's) posts regarding love: http://denouementnotresolution.blogspot.com/2012/

    The above blog post, written just after my first foray with match.com, was a recognition that sometimes people simply aren't quite as authentic in these spaces as I'd like to operate. I tried a second time (for a whopping two weeks after moving to my new city) as a "sociological experiment" and in the interest of "expanding my n," but opted to put my energy into different spaces, despite the fact that the distraction was momentarily fun.

    However, I have a fabulous friend who just met someone lovely, and she reminds me that you can move in and out of these dating experiences as they suit. So, consider–if you need a break from the experiment, take it. If it's fun, continue on.

  17. Kristychan says:

    I tried online dating off and on for almost 10 years. It was like a 2nd job, having to keep up with the correspondence and filter potential matches. However, in the end, it actually worked for me but only because I gave up on it entirely. My conclusion is that online dating only works if you present the most open, raw, unimaginably private portions of your psyche. I missed cancelling my Match.Com account by two days and ended up having to pay for another month. I was so frustrated at yet another disappointing term of dismal dating and having to pay for something I didn't want that I decided to make my profile my own personal blog spot and wrote about the deepest frustrations and fears I was having with everything from romance to my current career. I wrote about disappointment and guilt and pain and joy and the illusion of happiness versus the reality of contentment. I wrote about struggle and doubt. I wrote about loyalty and betrayal. As honestly and openly as I could, because frankly, I never thought anyone would read it. And somehow conjured up the most amazingly perfect partner out of the ether. Further proof that a sense of humor and irony is somehow written into the fabric of the universe.

  18. Alexa GK says:

    hey Waylon,
    I commend you for your project! I consider myself an expert in the online dating field… that sounds kind of embarrassing. But in reality, it's been a really cool way to meet people, if not a way to satisfy my romantic fantasies… in that department, it's pretty much failed. I started internet dating because I was moving from my east coast super small town to LA, and was shy about meeting people– so it seemed a good way to have some social cliffholds. The first site I was ever on was HotorNot, which is not primarily a dating site but became a kind of secret hipster dating site (there were cool kids lurking among all the bros and weirdos). I definitely met the most interesting people on there, despite everyone freaking out I was meeting axe murderers (this was the mid-two thousands). then came ImInLikeWithYou, a ridiculous (very obviously) hipster dating site that my ex from hotornot started (go figure)–it was kind of too exclusive, with an invite-only system, so that burned out fast (I had a few lame moustached dates)…. so I ended up where anyone even slightly unconventional goes: okcupid. it's become the facebook of online dating, pretty much. the free bit is important here in terms of finding 'your peoples.'

    I have resigned myself to the fact I will most likely not end up in a serious relationship with someone I've met on a dating site: so far, it's never happened in 8 years of online dating– only friends and hookups. my last two serious boyfriends I met through the wonderful community of Shambhala :) However, I have many dear friends and interesting characters I keep up with from over the years whom I met online on these sites, so I have no regrets. One thing I think I learned from the perusing of many profiles is that what I look for in a person style/interest-wise is often in conflict with the values and traits I want in a partner. I will also add that as a writer, I realized I'm infinitely more picky online than my friends, since how someone crafts their profile holds a lot more weight for me. A great partner might not wield the pen as a mighty sword, I suppose (or maybe that is just a real deal-breaker!).

    Bottom line is that, in my opinion, it's great to go into online dating with an open mind about who this person might be in relation to you: a friend, a lover, a partner… just as you would someone you met in the street (or a dharma talk). May the dralas find you, online and off… !

  19. Dave says:

    How about Elephant Dates?

  20. Ivy markaity says:

    Here's my funniest dating story if anyone wants a giggle..Feel like a pro at this on-line dating stuff. I have been at if off and on for a while..had one relationship that lasted two years and a lot of short term connections..some remained friends. There seems to be so much endless choice…does it keep people in a perennial cycle of dating..always thinking there is someone else…someone better just one click away. http://ivymarkaity.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/luck-

    • Frodis says:

      You hit on my biggest concern about online dating: that my boyfriend (who I met on Match) has been mentally "trained" to keep looking for something better. He had been on and off it for years, he said, and had had a few "nice" relationships. Is he on there right now, just looking for the latest model, the upgrade? Am I just another stop along the way? It certainly breeds insecurity, as if I needed any external factors influencing me in that regard.

      I noticed that, when my best girlfriend was doing online dating, she always seemed to have a very fine-grained perspective on the guys she was meeting/communicating with. This one was great fun but too "soft," that one was HOT but too religious, this one had the perfect personality but seemed too (..fill in adjective of choice here..), etc etc. Seemed to always be looking for someone to fit her perfect formula, and if one variable was off, it was back to the search results to find a better "fit." And honestly, the pool seems quite large, so yeah..why not? Ugh…it makes me kind of queasy thinking about it.

  21. ivymarkaity says:

    Yes, i hear you! It is like that in big cities in general without the extra added times thousands of options that on line dating presents…..or shall I say shopping ;-). I have to admit that I am guilty of being very picky as well…I think you learn a lot from experience, what you want/don't want etc.. but maybe one comment is made and a red flag goes up… perhaps I have passed up some people that might have been a good fit by being overly critical or fearful and in reverse many have passed me up….divorced people are carrying a whole lot of baggage around…I could write blogs and blogs about all the crazy things people say and do on dates…I see the humor in it…but sometimes the constant dating is draining…and it's like…oh no..I can't get back on line again!

  22. deborah says:

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  24. a.j. says:

    just a thought/meme i came across on fb i agreed with the other day when i spoke to a friend that is just now looking for someone after being a monk for 14y (!!) … "i've been single for a pretty long while now. and i gotta say, it's going well. i mean, i think it's working out. i'm pretty sure i'm the one." and i thought. yes! SWEET! now i can stop worrying about it and just go ahead and find my dog to adopt and a new place to live ;) haha… such a weight off!

  25. vpozzebon says:

    Hey Waylon, maybe check this out: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/01/how-to-dat… and then, I dunno, call me, maybe?

  26. @Omshanti8 says:

    You might try http://www.meetup.com where you get to socialize by going on hikes, meeting for coffee/brunch, paragliding .. oh whatever. If anyone dazzling and wonderful crops up, you can go ahead and have those countless children.

  27. Katie B says:

    I recommend doing what you GENUINELY enjoy doing. Be it hiking, biking, yoga, skeet shooting, juggling, whatever. There are plenty of online ways to meet "activity partners" like meetup, etc. Doing things that make you happy will honestly attract someone who is out doing the things that make THEM happy. And there is nothing happier than two happy people, connecting in mutual happiness. Online dating may help find like-minded people, and the success stories we hear about are typically people who are doing things they enjoy and are matched with others also doing things they enjoy. So just get out there, make friends (maybe lovers) and ENJOY :)

  28. I dated online off and on throughout my 50's, each man becoming more disappointing than the one before so I gave up. Recently at 61, on a Saturday night, alone, bored, looking for a bit of drama (far from dead yet!), I signed up again on POF. This too has been a total disappointment and embarrassment. What AM I doing giving my power away like this? Though the profile is still up I have little hope for ever meeting anyone REAL, aware or grounded. I believe we are a lost generation, a lost culture, no longer honoring each other as important human entities. Having grown up in the 50's and 60's, as dysfunctional as we were with our heads up our asses, we felt a kind of responsibility to one another. Now we can delete the message, block the caller, walk away never knowing that real person at the other end, never challenging ourselves to hanging in there when things, even casual acquaintances, piss us off. Delete….next!

  29. Sunyata says:

    Waylon,

    I love Elephant magazine, you're obviously someone who grooves on polarity and sexual attraction. When my marriage of 20 years broke up I used tonglen to sit with the sorrow and pain but I also paid attention to the good I felt in the attraction to new people. I found OK Cupid to be a fascinating mirror to help discover who and what really turned me on. All the questions in people's profiles were like vapassana or insight practice. You had to take a stand and answer openly to see THEIR answer, thus teasing you into more openness and honesty about what you are thinking. Admittedly the rabbit hole is deep on OK cupid, I found questions that intrigued, shocked and excited me. Women were answering them and as I moved with the polarity I found out more of what I really wanted. The resulting women who showed up as high percentage matches was enlightening. Interesting enough, I showed my ex-wife my profile and asked her to answer some questions to show her how it worked and the result was a surprising rating of our compatibility as "enemy" :) ..go figure! So something works there. I simultaneously was on Match.com where I met more serious women looking for depth and not just hook ups. Frankly some were downright clingy and on a mission to get married there – so beware. But I ended up meeting my current wife, consort and beloved on match. It is a brave new world out there. Honestly most humans are not up to navigating it, but it sure as hell beats hungrily eyeing everyone in bars and yoga studios. Enjoy your new journey and please be sure to share here on Ele how it goes.

  30. Jaz says:

    Is this conversation over? :) Hows it workin out? For science ~ ha! Well in science, researchers can generally find evidence for what they set out to prove :) My experience of online dating has been mixed. Once I met a guy who turned out, had met about 4 yrs prior, working together but never noticed one another. We were on location, shooting a movie two hrs outside the city. We had a fabulous few dates and I couldn’t figure out what was happening, going forward, until I realized he was a serial online dater… Another guy met me in his car outside the restaurant, asked me where to park & could I show him (get in car), but I said I would get us a table instead. He never came into the restaurant. Another guy, moved into his parents basement, but was very cool & creative, left his graphic design job to do his art. We never met, but wrote a lot, and chatted. For a first date he wanted me to go on a trip to a major Canadian art show at a lodge. Ok so I declined, coz it felt like he planned way too much considering we hadn’t met in person. I existed in his mind in some kind of way that wasn’t really who I am. He’s done really well- saw his art, of endangered species, in a magazine recently (sells min 10k & up). But he was a nice guy, passionate about his art. I won’t date online again. If you wanna have fun, it’s an outlet. On the other hand, a girlfriend married a guy she met on Plenty of Fish. She treated it like a job interview. Coffee date to start: specific questions. Absolutely no “staying friends” if they didn’t cut it. She would say, “I have lots of friends, I’m looking for a husband.” Then, she said the clincher was if, when she looked at his lips she could imagine kissing them. She said, we know instinctively pretty much when we meet someone, if we feel chemistry – which is true. It all seemed too calculated for me, but she was on a mission. She found a guy who treated her like the princess she wanted to be. Seriously, he “showed up,” & he made all the right moves. And they got married!! But I still believe in traditional meeting, wherever, finding love when the time is right and in divine timing. For science is one thing ~ experimenting in the field, for a good cause. (tripping up, playing, fun, or drama & sometimes horror). I tried it so I can comment, but it never served me. I wasn’t any good at science, after all :)

  31. Electclub says:

    This is interesting and there are so many things I need to concern before dating.

  32. thomasjet says:

    Dating Sites Australia is the ultimate guide to help you pick the right Australian dating site

  33. Raegan Post says:

    Try plentyoffish.com its free and I met my husband there. Can be some booty looking calls but I sifted through :)

  34. Cjones253 says:

    Im with Sven, however on the female side of things. I get many "hey baby, what's up? your hot we should *insert nasty adjectives here"*, or the ones who were even worse, that said they wanted long term relationships and love and desire and they read the books the I love Etc. I think alright, this guy might be a good match. Until……they either send me a d**k pic within 24 hours of getting my number or they want to paw at me on the first date. I have had a few good relationships, but……it's hard out there people! I hate having to rely on technology.

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