I’m Sorry I Love You Too Much.

Via on Jul 21, 2013

comfortguyresized

Love isn’t static.

It swirls around you like balmy air sent up from the south.

The wind catches your hair, and a few strands stick in the moist crease of your lips. You reach with your hand to move it, but you don’t have to because he gets there first and brushes it aside.

He gently touches your cheek with his slightly coarse fingertips (from working on his bikes in the garage).

You look up into his eyes (he doesn’t have to tilt your chin to him with his hand because you’re assertive enough to move yourself), and your shared gaze lingers a beat past your comfort zone—and in that moment you learn a lot.

You learn that you’re vulnerable, and that you need him—and you think you saw that he’s not as afraid of this as you are.

He’s not afraid to be vulnerable, because he’s naturally confident and understands his emotions much better than you know you’ll ever understand your own, and it’s not because you don’t want to be raw and open and accessible—it’s just because you’re scared.

What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid that he’ll hurt you?

No, that’s not it.

Are you afraid that he’ll leave?

No, he’ll never do that.

Are you afraid of death?

Partially. That’s the only way he would walk away from you, and you both know it.

Yet, that’s still not it.

But you know it’s this fear that makes you pull away‚ that encourages you to fight with him when you don’t even want to (when there’s nothing really to fight about).

And tears are streaming down your face, but you’re not sure why.

Maybe it’s because you yelled at him this morning when he didn’t deserve it. Maybe it’s because you know that you were wrong, that you’re needy and hot headed—and that this combination is unstable.

Maybe you’re afraid because you know that you aren’t stable without him, that you need him, because without him the ground is too shaky to walk on.

And it’s scary to need someone to hold you—and sometimes carry you—across that trembling surface.

It’s unnerving that in this huge, whole world there’s only one person that you want to hold your hand, and that if he wasn’t there to kiss your cheek and gently stroke your thigh right before you both fall asleep together, that this world would fall apart, that you would fall apart.

Because you’re strong.

You’re aggressive—but that was a lie. He often has to pull your chin up, and then he has to force you to look him in the eye, because you look away.

Sometimes it feels easier to look away and pretend that you’re whole enough without him—and maybe you are…enough.

And now the tears are dripping down your nose and falling into the crease of your lips and he’s not there to reach over first and dry them because he’s already gone to bed—he was too tired tonight to deal with your moods.

And you’re sorry.

You’re sorry that you screamed, and you’re sorry that you lied (with your eyes and your cocky stance) because you do need him.

He’s the air that you breathe. He’s the water that you drink. He’s the hole in your heart where it aches after you’ve hurt him.

Your heavy tears splash onto your keyboard and you get up for a tissue, but settle instead for a napkin because you can’t see anymore and the tissues are all the way down the hall (and besides, you don’t want to walk past the bedroom and wake him up).

But it’s okay. Soon you’ll crawl into bed after you’ve turned off the light that he kept on for you, waiting.

And in the morning he’ll reach over and touch your cheek and caress your thigh where he didn’t get to the night before.

And he knows that you lied to him (with your angry words and your haughty heart), because to him you’re see through.

He knows that he’s your world because you’re his too—and that’s enough.

 

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Ed: B. Bemel

About Jennifer S. White

Jennifer is a voracious reader, obsessive writer, passionate yoga instructor and drinker of hoppy ales. She's also a devoted mama and wife (a stay-at-home yogi). She considers herself to be one of the funniest people that ever lived and she's also an identical twin. In addition to her work on elephant journal, Jennifer has over 40 articles published on the wellness website MindBodyGreen and her yoga-themed column Your Personal Yogi ran in the newspaper Toledo Free Press. She holds a Bachelor's degree in geology, absolutely no degrees in anything related to literature, and she currently owns a wheel of cheese. If you want to learn more about Jennifer then make sure to check out her writing, as she's finally put her tendencies to over-think and over-share to good use. Jennifer's first book, The Best Day of Your Life, is now available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Instagram and on her website.

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30 Responses to “I’m Sorry I Love You Too Much.”

  1. Ben Neal bneal817 says:

    Oh, Jennifer… you're heart-stuff pours out in every word you write. I feel it. It's beautiful. Great piece!

  2. Zoe says:

    This is so beautiful. It's a heart opener and a keeper.

  3. Miluska says:

    This is just so beautiful. Amazing.

  4. Ali says:

    This is so relatable! I enjoyed reading every last word.. It is so meaningful when you say and he left the light on for you.. that's it right there!

    • Thanks, Ali, it really is those little things that help us define and explain our love isn't it? One gesture can say so much. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

  5. Paul says:

    Thank you–beautiful , transparent–beautifully transparent. Courageous .

  6. Jen says:

    Wow, the tears are streaming down my face after reading this. Thank you.

  7. Sheng says:

    Hi Jen, I must thank you for writing this piece. I stumbled upon this and read it. I felt as though the words, thoughts and feelings were plucked from my heart and mind as I was reading it. Was it by coincidence that I stumbled in here and found this to read? I didn't realize that I have been searching. Again, thank you.

    • Sheng, I just received a similar comment about coincidences and writing/reading on my personal FB page, and that's an interesting thought. (That coincidences are not chance encounters.) When I wrote this and decided to submit it, I thought that, surely, there are others out there who feel this way too, because it's my experience that we're not alone, we're just made to feel alone in our hoarding of our deepest and most uncomfortable emotions. I'm glad you stumbled upon this, I'm glad you read it and, moreover, I'm glad you took the time to comment. Thank you.

  8. elephantjournal says:

    Love, love and more love. You are magic and this beautiful. Thank you for cracking open your heart (even more). xo Bryonie

    • I am so inspired by your writing, Bryonie. You're honest and raw and gorgeous, but I'm also inspired by you in life. You're sweet and I can tell that you try to be your best self. You're a soul sister. xo

  9. Chekov's Gun says:

    I think that, although he /might/ know "that you lied to him (with your angry words and your haughty heart), because to him you’re see through", he may still need to hear you acknowledge it, at least from time to time. What do you think?

  10. Jade says:

    This nearly made me cry… You are one with words, Jennifer.
    Finally something that gave me some truthful insight on the way die hard love goes

    • Thanks, Jade. Sincerely. Love isn't always fluffy and flirty and pretty, but if it was easy then it wouldn't be so meaningful and it wouldn't teach us so much.

  11. jane says:

    An inspiring and beautiful departure from lists. You capture the pain and generosity of love and being human.

    • Thanks, Jane. While I certainly enjoying sharing my lists (because I generally am playful and sarcastic in them), my heart lies in writing articles like this. These are the ones, at the end of the day, that I'm proud of whether highly viewed or not.

  12. Clare says:

    WOW! That was beautiful!!

  13. Paula says:

    I think it's a really pretty piece of writing.

    The part about "are you afraid he'll leave" is kind of weird to me though. Things change and shit happens. When I hear people say the "never" word in their relationships it gives me pause.

    I actually find some peace in not taking for granted that that another person will always be there.

  14. jleste01 says:

    Really liked this piece. I am a guy but a true romantic at heart. Us guys feel the same as this but we are expected to be more tough but at times like this we are crying on the inside and want/need our woman to come to us. and say I love you too.

  15. Noemi says:

    I perfectly understand, I felt it, I know it. I live something very similar with my boyfriend, that I hurted a lot and loved a lot (and I still do!). It's hard and wonderful.. I'm so scared.

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