My Personal Battle with Disconnection.

Via on Jul 10, 2013

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Barely into my 20s, I experienced my first heartbreak with a boyfriend I had thought I was meant to love a lifetime.

I was young and naive. Full of ideals and fantasies. But we had different stories, different attachments and so, eventually it had to end.

Little by little, I began to realize our belief systems no longer aligned with each other. My life was moving forward. His was staying in place—in my opinion that is. So, no matter how in love we were, the relationship was not going to work.

I was heartbroken. I never thought I’d find the love of my life again.

And how could I feel so strongly about someone who could not jump off the big cliff called life with me? Was this a cosmic joke? I had come so close to a love I believed was pure and real, only to discover it wasn’t meant to last.

I moved to LA. He stayed back east. And we continued to torture each other over the phone until one day, just like that, it was over. Done.

I never saw him again.

There was no real ending. No peace. No grace to the finality. And I believe an ending like that did unspeakable damage to my soul.

Overnight I went numb. Disconnected. Disassociated from reality. I couldn’t cry. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was young and as I said, naive.

It was as if someone had shut the circuit breaker off inside of me and no one was home.

I’d walk into rooms of people never knowing where I was. I desperately wanted to connect, but had no idea how.

I felt lost.

I went to therapists, healers, shamans—you name it. No one could help me get to the root of my suffering or my disassociation.

I walked through my 20s and most of my 30s completely disconnected from my body. Men, women, relationships in general were superficial and didn’t last. I knew deep down there was something wrong with me.

I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t taste. I couldn’t love.

For years, I lived with this condition I called disconnectedness.

Finally, I tried yoga. Not with the intention of connecting at first, but miracles do happen. As I began dig deeper, my shell started to soften. Like layers of an onion, my skin started to peel away.

And when my hardened exterior began to melt away, feelings finally rose to the surface—emotions I didn’t want to deal with. Sensitivities I did know I had.

At first, it was subtle. In fact, I may not even have noticed. But as the days turned into months and the months turned into years, I began to see a shadow of myself lying next to me with light pouring out of my heart.

And you know what? There was no way I was going back in my box, soulless and alone.

Yoga, which had first sounded like the perfect new solution for maintaining a tight butt, helped reintegrate my spirit and connect me back to myself and back to my life.

I can now enjoy the taste of foods and the simple pleasures of life, like my three-year-old bossing me around or my husband and I cracking ourselves up over the same dumb-ass jokes.

I can finally see light.

 

I have just shared my experience with disconnection. Have you ever felt disconnected or disembodied? What did it feel like for you? Were you scared? I would love to hear from you, please leave your comments in the box below.

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Ed: B. Bemel

About Hayley Hobson

Hayley Hobson is an author, speaker, business coach, yogi, Pilates and holistic nutritional expert based in Boulder, CO. Hayley creates lifestyle transformations by coaching her clients to strengthen, nourish and evolve through the cycles and shifts in life. Combining cutting edge understanding in all three disciplines due to years of anatomical study and dietary theory, Hayley’s approach leverages their blended benefits and results. Her unique and intelligent style promotes strengthening while softening–empowering her client’s to heal not only their physical bodies, but their hearts and minds as well. Hayley studied at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, continues her studies with David Wolfe, raw food expert and is an essential oil expert in her own right.  Her insights and articles can also be found on her blog, Mindbodygreen and Islaorganics. She has also been featured in Pilates Style magazine, Natural Health magazine and Triathlete Magazine.  She has fun running and playing in the mountains with her husband, former world-ranked triathlete, Wes Hobson and their two beautiful daughters, Makenna and Madeline. To learn more about her nutritional courses, events she's hosting and custom programs go to her website or follow her on Facebook or Twitter or Pinterest.

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6 Responses to “My Personal Battle with Disconnection.”

  1. guest says:

    I often feel this way. Disconnected. I have thought, for a while now, that maybe I was just one of those people destined to be alone or to never truly feel satisfied with my life. I used to practice yoga and felt really great and happy. I haven't done it for years, but am surprisingly feeling very inspired. It's like, I know that it could help me, yet I am self sabotaging and keeping myself down. I don't ever connect well with my co-workers; I like them and enjoy them surface level, but I don't befriend them. I have closed myself off from a lot of my friends that I once found so much joy in. My relationship is stagnant and uninspiring, yet I continue on because I don't know what else to do. Thanks for posting this. I think I'll force myself to go to a class. :)

  2. Martha says:

    I completely understand this. I also feel this same way but it has affected me in that I can sometimes feel attachment but can disconnect very quickly and completely which leaves me to question if I was really ever attached at all or if I am able to attach.

  3. Maureen McCurren says:

    This really hit home for me. I am working daily (on my mat on great days) to reconnect. I was diagnosed with stage for breast cancer back in October. I have a husband and 4 children. The youngest is not yet 2. Doesn't this seem like the worst time to disconnect? Yet, throughout the very long Michigan winter with lots of pain, failed treatments and general depression I did exactly that. I disconnected. I do believe however that we sometimes have to go that far off balance to find it again. My husband and I took a leap of faith and went to a weeklong yoga teacher training together back in June. The timing was perfect as we've found a treatment that has been shrinking the tumors in my liver. It was just the time for me to break my protective shell and reconnect with my strength! I found joy in backbending and taking child's pose when others continued to flow. Coming home from that trip I've found the messy part of life is still here. Yet, I do get on my mat more, and it helps me connect with my children and my husband when I even just lay in savasana. Thank you for your words and the CONNECTION you've created!

  4. V Blue says:

    This is a lovely post. Thanks for sharing something very personal. For the sake of clarity, I'm wondering if when you wrote, "As I began dig deeper" if you actually meant, "As I began (to) dig deeper"? Also, when you wrote, "Sensitivities I did know I had," did you mean to write, "Sensitivities I did (not) know I had"? Either way, it's very well written. Especially like your choice of words in this description, "…when my hardened exterior began to melt away, feelings finally rose to the surface…"

  5. sweetsmell says:

    As I was reading your share I kept saying aloud Yep…. Yep… Yep… This is me except for I am in my fifties and the heartbreak is even more bitter and crushing. I am in it. I have tried as you have, therapy, healings, rebounds, and have bent the ears off any one who will patiently listen giving me an empathetic nod now and again. I am so completely disconnected but the pain is very much connected and is relentless in its staying power.. Constant and very much connected to every thought, motive, and action. I Think he thought he was doing me a favor by easing me out slowly, spacing out phone calls, not answering emails or texts. We are now down to phone tag and voice mails.
    I await as I know the inevitable is looming any day now he just won't call at all and it will be over. I have asked him not to do this, could we please just have closure so I can begin the slow process of putting my shredded heart back together but somehow he cannot give me that just as in the relationship. He just could not give. I often wonder is this some form of subtle abuse? or could it be that he, like me, is struggling to let it go once and for all.
    I do not think that yoga is going to cure this. This is going to be a lifelong diligence to honor myself by conscientiously connecting no matter how small or trivial with the intention that a shift is possible and when it does occur my connections will be greater and deeper.

  6. Kate says:

    I am in a teacher training for yoga right now, and I couldn't have found your article at a better time for today is graduation day! I too, have had serious loss of love and life in mine, and Yoga has helped peel away those Kleshas, or onions of my human being-ness. Thank you for sharing. :)

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