I wonder where I lost meaning.
Did I leave it at the grocery store? Is it hiding in my purse? I know my driver’s license gives facts but facts don’t mean much. Facts can be verified. Sometimes we confuse facts with truth. Some facts tread water, like my birthday. But they don’t dive deep like truth, like what have I found since I was born?
I have found people are generally good and most of us are selfish.
I have found faith is my best friend and a place to go when things like meaning evaporate.
I have found words lead me to places I need and don’t know until I arrive.
I have found friends give me meaning when I can find none.
I have found truth can lie and lies hold truth.
I am seeking meaning right now. I am hoping my Muse will reveal the nugget I lost. I want to mine gold as if I were an alchemist, finding spirit in matter and transmuting the base metal of not caring to care. I want to do more than change and transform. I want a revolution.
But for a revolution I need purpose and purpose always demands meaning.
I have none.
Maybe I ate it in my sandwich tonight. Maybe I programmed it into the computer I am trying to fix. Maybe meaning is on Law & Order keeping me company while I write. Maybe meaning is in my kitten’s meow.
Maybe meaning is not real. Meaning cannot die. All energy just changes form. Maybe my meaning lacked energy. Maybe it was all a lie but I said lies hold truth.
Where did the truth go?
Did truth and meaning go off on a summer breeze and wither in the heat.
I think I am withering. I think I am like a leaf in autumn stuck in the ground mid-July.
Yesterday was Independence Day. I missed the night show but heard the booms.
I am independent. I need nothing and cry for no one.
I think my Muse brings me meaning because I know she loves me and love gives meaning.
I think I am losing the ability to love or maybe just learning I don’t really know how to.
I am a good student though. My heart beats. Passion sits in the window and winks. I’ll wink back and listen to the quiet.
Quiet holds meaning. Listen. Where do you find yours?
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Ed: Bryonie Wise