I Want to Love Again. ~ Edith Lazenby

Via on Aug 26, 2013

women and mountains

Standing on a ledge but cannot look down.

I don’t fear heights. I won’t jump or fall. I am just firmly planting my feet to see what I can feel and feel what I cannot see.

I am afraid. I am afraid of a depth I know but cannot touch. I am afraid of touching what is raw in my heart because the beat goes on with or without love. I am afraid of what I have lost and may not find. I am terrified.

This is not the terror of madness. This is the terror of sanity. This is the terror of looking truth in the eye and realizing I could go blind.

So I stand on this ledge of image and metaphor and dig in my heels and bite my nails. I am ridding myself of all the edges. I want to reach in without any sharps to make what’s hurt won’t bleed more. I want to reach in and find a nugget to take me through the night so I can face tomorrow. I want to find calm my fingertips feel and my heart does not. I want to shred the rage until it becomes flower petals.

I want to love again.

I want passion to bud in me…not the passion of rage but the passion of caring so deeply for who I am I will do anything and everything to soften.

I want to soften in the arms of a love I trusted, and trust again. I want to soften into a dream of memory of what used to be, even when it wasn’t. I want to soften into my anguish and find all my parts until I am whole.

I want to be whole. I want to settle the score in my third eye that needs to see past the grief. I want to see what is true and what is false. I want to rise from the ashes and find my wings. I want to fly.

I want to fly beyond this moment into a moment of holding all I am on the ledge and look down and know this ledge belongs to no one else. It’s mine. I want to see all that is below and embrace all that is above and realize there is nothing beyond now.

I want now to give me ease. I want to hold now with tenderness. I want to take the seed of love I know and give it light and water. I want to know healing takes time. I want time. I want to give what I know and know it will be seen for what it is:

A heart cracked open willing to bleed.

 

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Ed: Sara Crolick

About Edie Lazenby

I am someone who loves to share and thrives on being with others. My craft whittles moments into meaning and eases my heart. I learn best by listening. I teach yoga and I write. Life is challenging but simple. My kitties make me happy. Check my blog here.

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6 Responses to “I Want to Love Again. ~ Edith Lazenby”

  1. Karen Wright says:

    Beautiful, thank you Edie

  2. Janet says:

    Wow. Me too, Edie.
    Janet

  3. elainemansfield says:

    Of course, I'm reminded of Leonard Cohen's lyrics that I use with every bereavement group I run (and loss through divorce is just as hard and sometimes harder than loss through death).
    Ring the bells that still can ring
    Forget your perfect offering
    There is a crack in everything
    That's how the light gets in.

    Or Rumi: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

    Thanks for a beautiful article.

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