Standing on a ledge but cannot look down.
I don’t fear heights. I won’t jump or fall. I am just firmly planting my feet to see what I can feel and feel what I cannot see.
I am afraid. I am afraid of a depth I know but cannot touch. I am afraid of touching what is raw in my heart because the beat goes on with or without love. I am afraid of what I have lost and may not find. I am terrified.
This is not the terror of madness. This is the terror of sanity. This is the terror of looking truth in the eye and realizing I could go blind.
So I stand on this ledge of image and metaphor and dig in my heels and bite my nails. I am ridding myself of all the edges. I want to reach in without any sharps to make what’s hurt won’t bleed more. I want to reach in and find a nugget to take me through the night so I can face tomorrow. I want to find calm my fingertips feel and my heart does not. I want to shred the rage until it becomes flower petals.
I want to love again.
I want passion to bud in me…not the passion of rage but the passion of caring so deeply for who I am I will do anything and everything to soften.
I want to soften in the arms of a love I trusted, and trust again. I want to soften into a dream of memory of what used to be, even when it wasn’t. I want to soften into my anguish and find all my parts until I am whole.
I want to be whole. I want to settle the score in my third eye that needs to see past the grief. I want to see what is true and what is false. I want to rise from the ashes and find my wings. I want to fly.
I want to fly beyond this moment into a moment of holding all I am on the ledge and look down and know this ledge belongs to no one else. It’s mine. I want to see all that is below and embrace all that is above and realize there is nothing beyond now.
I want now to give me ease. I want to hold now with tenderness. I want to take the seed of love I know and give it light and water. I want to know healing takes time. I want time. I want to give what I know and know it will be seen for what it is:
A heart cracked open willing to bleed.
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Ed: Sara Crolick
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. How to Love a Woman who Scares You. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. I Still Think of You. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. How My Sister’s Death Transformed my Self-Perception.