I’m having some thoughts.
I don’t know exactly where these thoughts are going—my brain is a place of rich, diverse material and a lot of it is untrustworthy—but this will go somewhere, and it will get there quickly, and if there’s one thing I’m thinking right now, I’m thinking that movement is always good.
The thought is changing…
This is my thought: my soul wants to know itself.
This is only the thought I’m thinking right now, as I type this, so this may not be true tomorrow or the next day. And if I wake up tomorrow laughing at how silly a notion it is for a soul to know itself, I will be grateful for this thought nonetheless.
This is my next thought: I certainly have no idea what your soul wants.
Maybe every soul wants something different. Maybe you don’t have I soul. Maybe I don’t. I don’t know. I can have no possible idea. My job is not to have an idea about that. My job is to just feel what is happening in this moment.
In this moment, I am here to hold myself spiritually accountable.
This is what I’m thinking:
I can want anything.
Every moment that I spend thinking, “I don’t want to be here”—I don’t need to have that thought. I am powerful, I am huge, I am the Universe… I don’t need to have that thought. I can have the thought, “I want to be here,” and I can believe that thought in totality.
No one can hurt me.
No one hurts me—in a nutshell (which is really all I need), people have a series of thoughts and actions, and I react to them in certain ways. The ways in which I react have nothing to do with those other people, because they are my reactions. It is the reaction that hurts me, and I am the only one who can have that. I am the only person who can hurt me. And I can decide, at any moment (and hopefully in more moments than not), to not hurt myself.
I am free.
I can allow myself to be exactly how I am in every moment. That’s something that I can do! I can be excited, courageous and unapologetic about the way I exist in this moment.
I am connected.
I believe I am taken care of. And so I am. Because I am taken care of, I am connected to everything around me all the time, even if I don’t know I am. This is just one huge trampoline we can lie down on and release ourselves into.
It doesn’t matter.
I can change my thought from, “It matters,” to simply just, “Things happen.” I can stop treating my life as if it isn’t absolutely perfect the way it is. It doesn’t matter what happens in my life; it only matters how I feel about it. And I can feel however I choose to feel.
I’m thinking that the concept of holding myself accountable is quickly followed by the concept: do it with kindness; and that, as I open myself to growth and change, I stay just as much in love with all the versions of myself that I used to be—caked over in whatever sorrow, suffering and sore-spot I used to have on me.
Because it is all beautiful—my life, your life, God’s life—is all exactly beautiful, in exactly the way it has—is— and will unfold. Exactly.
We are only as huge as we believe ourselves to be.
And if that’s all it takes—just believing—believing with all 70 trillion cells in my system—to be feel almost super-human in my hugeness? I’m going to fucking believe it.
At least I’ll try.
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Ed: B. Bemel
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