Wake Up, Darling (It’s Time to Love with All You’ve Got).

Via on Sep 10, 2013

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I sit amongst the carnage of my life as it was, witnessing the gasping, tearful last moments; I trip over the blood, guts and bones of broken dreams and wounded hearts as I walk through this old house, deciding what needs to go and what will stay with me.

My breathing is labored and I can feel that the end is near—rather than avert my eyes away from that which is dying, I stay fixated, my heart grounded in place, allowing myself to fall apart, over and over again, until it is time to drop into a dead sleep each night.

Each time death knocks at my door, my resistance to the darkness falls (a little); each time, I get stronger and I know (because of my practice) that if I can stay with my breath, in the hardest of moments, in the thickness of pain and sorrow, I will wake up to a new day, each day.

But the nights are long and there are wolves and fear rattles in my bones and pushes, pushes her way to the surface, trying to force love out of the way because fear is greedy and can be a bitch.

My mind scatters with her presence, and I feel like I am losing my marbles; days run into each other and hours, too. I lose time and I can’t think straight and I have to catch myself before I spiral into “what a failure” I am and the nightmares that follow.

Yet, the only thing I can be right now is alone, because I must hold space for what is unfolding (which is me; my heart and a whole string of heartbreak moments that need to rise up before they can die the true death).

I am afraid. 

I am afraid to be alone.

I am afraid that I will be alone, forever. 

And so alone I stay.

(I know that soon, one day, being alone will become a dance and something to embrace; I will unfurl my wings and let them spread wide in my new space, tattered and torn, yet stronger than ever before.)

I read words and thoughts and messages of love that come from near and far; I speak openly and honestly no matter how shameful or embarrassed I feel because I know there is freedom in truth and I know that everything must die in order to be born again.

And a message is whispered into my ear by the spirits (and wolves, for I am one, too) that surround me, reminding me that the only way is through —and that there is one thing to do when a heart breaks and it’s this:

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About Bryonie Wise

Bryonie’s life is rooted in the belief that when we come from a place of love, anything is possible. When not teaching yoga or writing her heart to the bone, she can be found frolicking in the sunshine with her camera and her dog, Winston, living her yoga. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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29 Responses to “Wake Up, Darling (It’s Time to Love with All You’ve Got).”

  1. @DanaGornall says:

    Beautiful words. My heart breaks for you.

  2. sarah says:

    I get this. Thank you for sharing.

  3. lawrence says:

    wow… day after day , the exact medicine i needed … it's like your walkin' along side me. Thanks W for finding this … soul alchemist !

  4. I remember this…Thank you.

  5. Coco says:

    Ummmph, that hits in a place that feels familiar.

    I have noticed that the periods of big pain in my life were always followed by periods of big growth, not that knowing that makes anything less painful.

    Much love, thanks for sharing in such a powerful way.

  6. Breathtaking, Bryonie. Absolutely beautiful. xo

  7. @simonarich says:

    "I know that everything must die in order to be born again." – you couldn't be more right. Out of darkness light is born; out of chaos arises order.

  8. Trae says:

    Your words speak to me.
    I am starting to bloom again.
    Life does go on, we become stronger and free.
    That’s the way we roll.
    Namaste.

  9. Erica says:

    your story is an exact description of my life and my heart today. it's godawful, but it's good to know others feel this too and we'll all unfurl again. thank you for your rawness and poeticism :-)

  10. karen katz says:

    so beautiful…so true…so awful….so wonderful.
    I found this essay from a link on a Pema Chodron piece about "sitting, staying and healing"….allowing ourselves to feel the full brunt of whatever it is that is painful-in my case giving up alcohol (19 months of sobriety-yeah!), being alone at 57 after a divorce and a relationship that wasn't ever going to really work out, parenting a mentally ill son, being an oncology nurse, etc etc etc….

    returning to the breath, to my yoga practice, to friendship, turning towards the light while sitting in darkness (nights really suck), knowing that yes, the morning will come, the breath is always there, the yoga and the (real) friends don't leave….and that loving with all my heart, even if that heart is broken, is really the only long term plan for me.

  11. carolarodi says:

    Thank you for those words so raw, so full…I understand and live them daily. I lost my husband 6 months ago today…and continue to search and loose my breath in panic. Search for him, search for me…knowing there is only one way across. To sit and feel it all as it arises. Only to begin breathing again and again. Also continuing yoga and going into myself. I am sorry for your loss and pain but thank you for sharing it, for your transparency, authenticity…it helps.

  12. Martha says:

    as ever beautiful and I would not have thought it was true two years ago that a time would come when I would start to embrace my aloneness but that time is dawning, it comes and goes , but at least now it seems possible….thank you.

  13. Theonlywayisthrough says:

    I needed to read this. Right. Now.

    Thank you.

  14. Sigourneyrose says:

    Thank you for articulating what my heart is feeling. Sometimes just the knowledge that we are not alone in these emotions makes space for hope. I appreciate the authenticity in your voice.

  15. Venus Blue says:

    Sometimes I think I'm alone in the world, as one who loves, and loves hard, and one who hurts deeply when it goes wrong. Thank you for sharing

  16. elephantjournal says:

    Big love. xoxo

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