My friend Jen, knowing I was not going to be with my family for the first X-mas Eve ever, sent me the following video.
It’s about having the courage to come out of the closet (and not just the lesbian or gay closet) and to be real with those you do so with.
Whether you are in the closet, crouching in the corner in the dark, standing and finding your way to the door or responding to someone who is owning their truth, I hope it speaks to you.
For me, while I can “pass” as someone who’s not still grappling with complex PTSD and a traumatic and abusive childhood, the mask I wear isn’t the truth. The past, and the ramifications of it, on many days (though not all), is still kicking my ass.
I can’t make light conversations, or revel in the smiles of my loved ones, whom I genuinely love, without feeling like I am somehow complicit in dishonoring myself and my history and my pain.
But not this year.
In time, I’ll get down on my knees and make eye to eye contact with my struggles, ready to speak and listen. I’m not there yet. But I’ve opened the door.
Sometimes, for a trauma survivor around the holidays, when the family is sometimes joy and sometimes the scene of the crimes, we simply do the best we can.
I’m wishing you the most peaceful of holidays.
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