The Upwards Spiral.

Via on Dec 12, 2013

 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/aurelien_calonne/8614776478/sizes/z/in/photolist-e8fYUW-hCVdUR-dyQ74X-9a8dk5-bLr8Wg-7Sdn8X-9WpLVz-drJsaq-8ZxG5n-dkBJLA-fLnBdy-fGyB7q-drJhsi-drJrK3-drJhPt-hLSSg4-7QrzeL-dX1nMY-drJrRJ-7H4DBM-9Q4HPq-7Lvo2D-dZ3K2Y-duWTKu-e6m6N8-fGyCXC-dkmPLm-c6yAKu-9P92U2-9P92RR-aay6ay-aavgyH-cFrAKs-aay6dG-dkmA4e-dkBGGg-dkBQj5-dkBQaN-dkmBnf-dkBQc5-dkCiPJ-8Dz2hm-9TuBmk-dkCiNJ-7KN3uz-83fNoF-8oNe49-7Bvond-8vMLgQ-8oK474-8oFYuC/

Fear crouches in my chest.

The voices start up: You can’t write. You’re blocked. The ideas are gone, just like you thought they would be.

Really? You guys again? I think.

With my recent recommitment to writing, I feel more like me. More alive. I’ve finally, finally been doing that one thing that I’ve always wanted to do but been too stuck or afraid or busy to really dive into consistently.

I’m not sure why writing has felt easy and fun in recent months. Maybe it’s because I’m on the fast track to 40’sville and I’m realizing this is it, this is my life. Maybe all those years of therapy are finding kicking in. Wherever this tailwind is from, I’m grateful.

And I’m also scared.

I used to get frustrated when I’d work and work and work on an issue, seemingly moving forward, and then without warning, I’d backtrack. Fear and external challenges would pop up and sometimes I’d sabotage myself. The sabotage usually showed up as overeating, too much television, or isolation.

Then I heard of the concept of the ‘upwards spiral.’ The theory is that as we move through life, working on our issues, we move forwards and up, around and around. On the Slinky of life, if you will. We don’t backtrack. But as we circle around, propelling upwards, we revisit old places. Hard places.

As a slowly recovering perfectionist, the idea of backsliding is blasphemy to me. But the idea of spiraling up makes sense. I’m writing. I’m running. I’m cozying up to myself. I’m showing up and showing myself: the awkward parts, the scary parts, the funny parts. All the parts.

I’m cycling up and around.

Last week, our family moved. My daughter and husband both had birthdays. The holidays are crashing towards us like a twinkly light-strewn freight train. I haven’t had time to write.

I haven’t made time to write.

I’ve been eyeing my computer like I would a stranger in a cemetery: Wary. Skittishly. Ready to dart.

The thoughts blare: You can’t do this. You lost it. Your writing streak? It’s over.

I wilt. My heart sags like the snow-heavy pines outside the windows of our new home.

And I remember. Oh, I bet this is that upward spiral thing again.

I breathe. I stare out the window and watch a lick of snow drift to the ground. The sun hits it, and it looks like a tiny shooting star.

I sit my butt down and I type.  

So see, you silly voices? I’m on to you. You saw me circling around and came out to meet me. You even brought friends. If you’re right? If I can’t keep writing? I will regroup and try something else. But before that, I’m going to give this thing a chance.

This one thing that brings me alive, that brings me up and up and up.

Relephant articles:

> Writing as Compassionate Action.

> How to Avoid Writer’s Block.

> A Poem Inspired by Writer’s Block.

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Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: Flickr

 

About Lynn Shattuck

Lynn Shattuck lives in Portland, Maine with her husband and two young children. She blogs about parenting, imperfection, spirit and truth telling—you can connect with her through her website or find her on Facebook.

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10 Responses to “The Upwards Spiral.”

  1. Renee Picard Renee says:

    Oh wow, Lynn. After almost every line you wrote here I was thinking 'me too!.' I'm finding it comes in waves, and if I don't catch the wave at exactly the right moment, it's just gone and I feel like there will never be another one. And those times where we have to find our own momentum are both the scariest and the most rewarding. Thank you for putting yourself out there, always!

  2. encounterillumination says:

    Stay true…

  3. Christina says:

    Oh my gosh that was amazing :) Thank you! I see set backs and think this is my exit sign, this is where I'm not supposed to push this anymore…go get a real job. Or, "well I guess this relationship has run its course" when a difficulty arises. So thank you for the new perspective because this upward spiral seems to looooove me. I often think, how many lessons must a person learn in their life, geez?!

    • Lynn Shattuck lynnola says:

      Oh, thanks Christina! It helps me to look at it that way. Immensely. Some of us– most of us? need to learn lessons over and over again. Hugs to you!

  4. Rebecca Fraser-Thill says:

    Excellent Lynn. The upward spiral describes exactly what I've experienced throughout my life, especially in the adult years. And the thoughts about writing – oh yea, those are dead on. I used to fear I had a certain well of ideas and that it would get used up. The nice thing about writing for years is coming to the realization that the more one writes – or does any creative activity – the more creative energy exists. If anything, the ideas hound me now in a way they didn't ten years ago; sometimes I now fear there are too many to get down. But still the fears linger that what I DO get down won't be good enough. Anyway, a terrific read and it definitely resonated with me.

  5. Carissa says:

    Thank you for writing and sharing this. I have viewed the backslides as “that was a trick, things are nit better – gotcha”. This article came at a great time to help me reframe challenges when they arise.

    Thank you.

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