My Steamy, Open Relationship with Kale.

Via on Jan 8, 2014

author's photo

Dear kale, I heard you’ve been recently divorced. I just want to let you know, I’m here for you.

A friendly, non-yoga police (but a little tongue-in-cheek) response to: Why Kale May Kill Us, So I’m Getting a Divorce.

I know, I know… You are fresh on the market (literally). That’s okay, I’m not looking for any big commitments. I just want to have a steamy evening with you every now and then. After all, too much of a good thing can be bad; variety is the spice of life.

Speaking of spice—I’d like to have you spiced. Lightly steamed with a little sea salt and cracked black pepper….  Mmmmm, I can almost taste your soft, tender leaves in my mouth. So good.

I like to mix it up though, kale. Let’s not fall into a rut; that’s how so many relationships go wrong. I will be honest and upfront with you, kale: some nights I like to have a little spinach. I also recently made acquaintances with the lovely swiss chard. I love a big, voluptuous leafy head of chard.

But I will always return to you, kale—

—thirsty for more, and eager to squeeze out every drop of the juices trapped inside you.

My insides quiver, anticipating all the rich vitamins and anti-oxidants you will deliver to me. I’m ready to receive you, kale. I’m ready to absorb every nutrient you have to offer me. My body craves your iron, calcium and vitamin C, K and A.

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I want to feel you moving through me, kale. Your fiber, surging through my insides and helping me digest everything else I’ve consumed. Yeah, you keep me pure, kale. This is why I will return to you, again and again, even if we don’t see each other every day.

You’ll never be nasty or bitter to me, kale. I will steam you up, just enough to bring out the best in you. I will marvel at your intoxicating deep shades of green and savor your unique flavor on my tongue. I will incorporate you into new and exciting recipes. I will eat you soft or crunchy. I will swallow you with gusto.

I understand that you’re not compatible with everyone, kale, and that’s okay. It’s best to keep your distance from those you don’t mesh well with, and save your gifts for those who are able to accept them. I love what you have to offer me, kale. I want you inside me now, your glorious green nectar coursing through my insides. You satisfy me and give me strength.

So leave your past behind you, kale. The cruciferous type isn’t for everyone, but you are definitely my type.

I’m looking forward to a long and lasting relationship. I know just how to make things work—I will always keep things fresh.

author's photo/taken by author's child

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Editor: Cat Beekmans

Photos: Courtesy of Author.

About Yoli Ramazzina

Yoli Ramazzina was born and raised in the San Fernando Valley (818!), but now resides in Long Beach, California. She is a music lover and a retired KXLU deejay. She is a certified yoga instructor and enjoys teaching Kids Yoga as well as Yoga Basics and Vinyasa Flow at local studios in her community. In her free time she enjoys practicing yoga, reading, gardening, listening to music, drinking good beer, and most of all spending time with her husband, son and their two rescued pups, Nom-Nom and Lucy. You can find and follow Yoli on tumblr or on Facebook.

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10 Responses to “My Steamy, Open Relationship with Kale.”

  1. Ally says:

    Ha! This is great! I love it! (Especially since I also grew up in the San Fernando Valley.) :-)

  2. Yoli Ramazzina yoli says:

    Thanks, Ally! 818! :)

  3. Nancy says:

    I think I need a cigarette!! (I don't smoke though…) haha

  4. Terry McMasters says:

    Kale is fine, but stay away from Ice Berg who is up to no good.

  5. Victoria says:

    A note of caution; when not eating organic kale, it (and other dark green leafies) contain a proportionately massive amount of pesticides- particularly harmful to women. Be careful, particularly if you have hormone- related issues such as endometriosis. Sadly, from experience!

  6. Kai Lee Herbertson says:

    Yes! I love this. I wish there was a way to communicate that to you and the editors without leaving a comment though, because that's really all I have to say. Maybe there could be a "like"-like system (with negative feedback available too) in EJ articles. It sure would save some time for the editors, as they wouldn't have to be guessing as much what the audience wants to be reading.

  7. Yoli Ramazzina yoli says:

    Thank you for your comment, Kai Lee! I often feel the same way! (I really enjoy an ej article, and don't have much to say, but I wish I could hit "like" and just give the article a thumbs up. :)
    Glad you enjoyed the piece!

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