My dark angel: I’ve tried separating myself from you but you are as much a part of me as my beating heart. You run through my veins and occupy the recesses of my mind.

I see you, I feel you, and my spirit says it’s time for us to dance.

When I was younger I created a box for myself and I chose to live inside of it. It was a safe and comfortable box; I didn’t hurt anybody and nobody hurt me.

People outside of my box viewed me as the good girl, the smart girl, and my favorite, the nice girl. I learned how to walk through the world with these impressions guiding my actions, thoughts and behaviors.

I would hear words come out of my mouth like “I don’t get jealous.” I would push all of my fears and insecurities down into the depths of my being. Of course, they took on lives of their own but I didn’t understand this at the time. I didn’t care. I lived in the light. Only the light.

Living this way worked out really well until I started hearing the whispers of my passions, the burning of my desires, and the force of my tender emotions.

And, just like that, I knew everything had to change because you, my dark angel, were knocking on the door waiting to be let in.

I will say that even after I saw you, I tried to ignore you. When your whispers became screams, I found myself covering my ears; singing “lalalalala;” and smiling in a state of denial. But, it was already too late. The wholeness of me knew it.

That small, sliver of awareness seeped through the cracks in my safe box and shocked me with a piercing pain. I could no longer deny the emptiness and fragmentation that came from staying within my light painted walls.

Finally, I opened the door and you were there, waiting patiently. You were beautiful. You were alive. And yes, you painted my white with shades of gray.

Our dance has been slow and purposeful. Sometimes, I break away from you and find myself dancing alone under the brightest, encapsulating light. You cannot penetrate me through my light-filled armor. I am afraid of really feeling you, for you are those dark aspects of myself that make me feel vulnerable and weak.

Other times, our dance is inseparable. I feel consumed by you. I want to explore every desire; every pleasure; every pain. I want to see into those corners of darkness that have always been so scary.

And, then, there are those moments when we dance cheek to cheek; light and darkness; fear and love. We hold each other gently, yet passionately. I see you and you allow yourself to be seen.

I now know, that with you, I can live fiercely, love unconditionally and grow authentically.

We dance together in our completeness.

 

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Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: elephant archives