Why I’d Rather be a Skinny B****.

Via on Apr 18, 2014

Frances_Vorne

I recently read the article Can We Retire The Phrase ‘Real Women’ Please? Thank you, Kate, for your point-on postulations!

Basically, the parts I liked best were about how fat has become the new black, as in popular, and how there’s a new accepted trend to shun skinny bitches (my words, not hers).

This resonated with me, because as a former skinny bitch, I caught flack a lot for not measuring up—or rather wide—to bigger ladies. Even now, having gained enough weight to no longer be considered thin, most ‘average sized’ women would and do still call me skinny.

Of course, it’s impossible for me to say “I eat pastries every other day” or “Hey, I’ve gained weight from where I was” or “You should see my cellulite,” because none of those fly, even though they’re true.

Why is it so unfair for me to vent about my weight issues just because I fall within someone else’s ideal standards? Isn’t this about owning our own power and celebrating our uniqueness? As in, I don’t need to look like Heidi Klum but I also don’t have to look like the ‘average sized’ woman (Read: women who are heavier than I am).

(Incidentally, my ideal weight isn’t the lowest weight I’ve hovered at.)

If we are to embrace, accept and inspire each other, why can’t we support and encourage each other to be the healthiest, happiest version of what’s good for that person based on their barometer, not what we think they should be?

I’ve gained weight because of a thyroid condition, but also simply from lack of self-discipline with exercise and unhealthy food choices. Some of those choices have included stuffing my face when in the company of bigger women. I don’t want them to feel bad, or judge me, or whatever. There’s no win here, though.

If I eat cupcakes, they could feel bad that I can get away with that, as evidenced by comments like, “You’re so lucky.”

If I don’t, they might think disdainfully that I’m vain with comments like, “One dessert won’t kill you.

I’m not imagining these things as women have made these, and similar, comments with both arguments. And ultimately, I’m the one who feels shitty afterwards, whatever I decide.

Yes, it’s my own damn responsibility to do what’s best for me. Who knows better what’s right for me: someone who’s never lived in my body, or me, who’s been in it for over 40 years?

Why do I feel responsible for these women’s happiness? It’s not my responsibility to make them feel at ease or sacrifice my own health for their self-esteem. I don’t like being (or feeling like) the source of someone else’s unease—even though I’m not really that source.

And not every woman is catty, of course! They may not even give it a second thought. It just happens enough to bug me.

I couldn’t care less if someone is fat or skinny or anywhere in between. Everyone would do well to do what makes them feel good with their own bodies.

I couldn’t care less about being a measly 10 pounds over my best-for-me weight simply for dress size sake (that much has also changed for me over the last few years, too).

So, why do I still like a slimmer me better?

At my icky weight, a countdown:

5. My clothes don’t fit. Sure, I could get new clothes, but I love the clothes I have! Not only are they more costly than I can now afford to buy, but they looked good on me and I felt good in them. And though I wouldn’t buy brand new again (unless the clothes were made entirely from unprocessed, recycled material), even purchasing used frocks takes extra money I simply don’t have and wouldn’t want to spend on clothes, anyway.

4. Yawn. Followed by more yawning and then a bit more and a lot of nodding off. I’m in need of a nap and it’s only 10 a.m. Physically, I’m constantly exhausted, mentally fuzzing and lagging. Which brings me to…

3. Eh, who needs energy, anyway? I love the outdoors, biking and hiking and playing and frolicking in the forest, but refer back to #4 even thinking about those makes me tired. I used to bounce up the stairs, light as Nike Air, now I’m gasping for air just looking at them and—I feel heavy… That. Sucks. Bad.

2. Cellulite. There, I fucking said it. Sure, that’s a bit of vanity insanity for you, especially since it beat out running up the stairs, but it’s honest. (I give myself points for that.) I gave up botox and peels and procedures to allow for some natural, graceful aging, but this cottage cheese I can’t accept. And it’s only visible when I’m above my best-for-me weight. Aside from the other items on this list, if I could eliminate those and this one, I’d be A-okay at this size on me.

And the #1 reason I prefer being a skinny-ish bitch….

1. I’m less bitchy. Yep, whenever I creep up even five to seven (ish) pounds beyond my ideal weight, I’m a cranky cougar. This is not from looking in the mirror. This is from the imbalance in hormones that accompanies this weight gain for me. I wake up depressed before there’s even a thing to remind me on why I ought to be. (Hint: There’s no reason!) I’m anxious, negative and downright dowdy-feeling.

So, I have to remind myself of Marianne Williamson’s famous quote about how “allowing our own light to shine unconsciously gives others’ permission to shine, too.”

One of my philosophies about bitching and complaining is that we ought to be allowed one bitch session aka venting, but after that it’s just complaining. And complainers are drainers. So after the first expression of an unpleasant situation, I think it’s our responsibility to do something about it. Something. Anything.

If we at least try to fix our situation and it’s not working, we get to go back and bitch again–which I consider more of a brainstorming session, really. (Remind me of this if I bring up how my muffin-top won’t fit in my pants.)

And please, let’s encourage others to achieve the ideals they set for themselves, not what we’d be happy with. It’s not our jobs to decide what’s best for others.

What I don’t want to hear: “Oh go ahead, you can afford it.”

What I would love to hear: “Are you sure you’ll respect yourself in the morning?

I now take full responsibility for not saying, “Should I?”

I know better than that!

End vent.

 

Relephant:

Skinny Love: The Skinny Truth 

Can We Retire the Phrase ‘Real Women’ Please? 

 

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Editor: Jenna Penielle Lyons

Photos: Wikimedia Commons 

About Anna Jorgensen

Anna Jorgensen  I'm a logging truck driver's daughter and an ex-realtor-turned-redneck-roots-love-is-the-answer-female-empowerment woman. My blog is unfiltered, uncut, politically incorrect, sardonic, sometimes swear-containing, often offensive, off-side, funny as hell and always real. (Warning: Blog/memoir contain inappropriate TMI.) I'm making a new career out of a mid life crisis living part time on Vancouver Island, Canada and wintering in California and Gypsyland. My purpose: Entertain! Inspire! Be happy, damn it... Free hugs! Find my blog and memoir, Me: A Rewrite, here: link to laughs.

Connect with Anna's real, unfiltered Facebook page here and find her on Twitter.(Save the bees!)

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28 Responses to “Why I’d Rather be a Skinny B****.”

  1. Dana Gornall DanaGornall says:

    Thank you, thank you thank you. And thank you. You hit the nail on the head.

  2. Shannon Monroe says:

    Seriously thank you. I eat whatever I want and I stay a size 0-2. People make me feel so bad for it, but I am healthy! I am so sick of people judging me for my size or saying “it looks like you don’t eat..” Grrrr.. Sorry I want to keep up with my 2 year old.

    • Thanks Shannon, I hear yah! It's simply not okay to pick on slim women any more so than it would be accepted to make comments to someone who one thinks is overweight. It's ridiculous that this is a topic at all, really!

  3. "If we are to embrace, accept and inspire each other, why can’t we support and encourage each other to be the healthiest, happiest version of what’s good for the that person based on their barometer, not what we think they should be?"

    Love this! And love the reflection over-all. We should each enjoy taking care of ourselves and being our own best…not anyone else's. xo

    • Thanks Kate! Loved your essay… actually, I love everything I've read of yours! And that's exactly my point: Let's inspire each other while doing what's most loving for ourselves. :))

  4. Heather M. says:

    I'm tall, thin, and healthy. I've kept my slender figure into my late twenties because I run, weight lift, hike, and walk all the time, as well as eat healthy. Many women throughout my life have automatically assumed that "I do not eat" and try to catch me in what they think must be disordered eating behavior, as well as direct other passive aggressive or insecure behavior toward me. What they don't realize is that I eat between 2,500-3,300 (mostly healthy) calories a day depending on my activity level at that time. I think it's easier for someone to say that I am "naturally" this way, or that I am "lucky," or "I don't eat" rather than accept that I have lived a healthy, disciplined lifestyle since I was very young, so it shows. I hope more women take the advice that you have given in this article. I fully support it, and try to live by it everyday (though I am often not afforded the same kind of courtesy).

    • Chuck_Culp says:

      Hi Heather,
      I am a man who is also tall, and slender. I am 61 years young and I can wear the same clothes that I did in Middle School! My weight does not fluctuate by more than a few pounds, which can be attributed to amount of food in colon, liquid consumption, etc. It has not been without its challenges, I have had to stand up to a lot of criticism. Keep up the good lifestyle, it will benefit you as you sage forward!

    • Thank you, Heather, I completely understand! When I was in my twenties and early thirties I didn't have to expend much effort to stay slim and felt judged by that, then my metabolism changed and I had to work to stay fit, which I did… And was judged for that, too! Best solution: be good to ourselves and try to feel compassion toward those who feel the need to judge. Or simply avoid them when possible. xo

  5. Beatrice says:

    I can assure you that outside the blogosphere that fat is most definitely NOT the new black, and to refer to it as 'popular' nearly made me spit my coffee out! Unfortunately, whatever annoying, judgmental and unfair comments you get from people related to your size, someone who is 'bigger' experiences this crap tenfold. I say this not to excuse people who wrongly try to use you as a target for their misplaced anger, because that's counterproductive and hurtful. However, these comments sometimes surface as a result of the constant and unyielding judgment heaped on larger women. Still, I agree they should be called out because they're just perpetuating an atmosphere where it's somehow ok to make shaming comments about someone else's appearance. Just keep in mind though that you haven't walked in their shoes, and it's challenging for them not to externalize the negativity that they swim in every day.

    • Thanks for your thoughtful reply, Beatrice. I agree with everything you wrote and do feel it's a delicate situation. Other than this article, I wouldn't have the heart to call anyone out individually. Though it bugs me at the time, I choose to stay silent because I think hurt people hurt people and I don't want to add to their pain. :)

  6. Annina says:

    Yes, yes, yes! I am a naturally "skinny bitch," and frequently feel like I need to apologize or make excuses. I eat dessert when around women bigger than me, but damned if I do/damned if I don't! I get accused of having an eating disorder or dieting (even being "picky" because I have some food allergies). I'm not allowed to commiserate with other women about the fit of clothing (I'm very tall) or cellulite (yep, got it). I'm told that I must exercise constantly (not at all), and that I wouldn't understand. There is such a thing as "skinny shaming," just as there is fat shaming.

    Love this! "If I eat cupcakes, they could feel bad that I can get away with that, as evidenced by comments like, 'You’re so lucky.' If I don’t, they might think disdainfully that I’m vain with comments like, 'One dessert won’t kill you.' … Why do I feel responsible for these women’s happiness? It’s not my responsibility to make them feel at ease or sacrifice my own health for their self-esteem. I don’t like being (or feeling like) the source of someone else’s unease—even though I’m not really that source."

  7. AnneSilv says:

    Because of food sensitivities due to migraines, and the medications I take for those migraines, I am very thin. I get comments all the time about my size and I feel that it is just as inappropriate as if I was commenting on how large someone else is.

  8. Turina says:

    Wow, you judge rather freely yourself. I have been the full range of underweight to overweight in my life, and I can say with all honesty that the treatment I have received as an overweight person was much more harsh than when I was under or ideal. Please be careful where you tread; there is frequently much pain associated with both the under and over weight person. Acceptance for yourself rather than focusing on others should be the goal.

    • Hey Turina, thanks for caring enough to share. The one positive I find in this whole discussion is the underlying compassion 'skinny bitches' feel (though negatively interpreted) in filtering comments in consideration of others who are less thin. I think that's at least part acknowledgment (or assumption) that life for those who are overweight is more harsh. We'd all do better by just accepting ourselves and others as is. :)

  9. Ridz says:

    Dear Anna, I secretly suffer from image syndrome. Throughout my life I felt lucky to be skinny. But it all changed in my 30s. Somewhere along i've started to feel like I need to look "voluptuous and meaty" to have a great sex life…also I have often nagged my husband whether he like bigger women better…you see the point is it's all in my mind! It really began affecting every little thing in my life. I have tried stuffing my face with fatty foods and still remain skinny. Your article is really comforting…I will from this day start celebrating my skinny self…it's amazing how facts and truth can set you free sometimes…i am tearing up a little bit while typing this. I love you…thanks for writing this lovely piece. Your words are going straight into my diary as a reminder! :)

    • Oh Ridz! Your words made ME tear up! I think the thing all of us women have in common is self-image issues. (At least at some point in our lives.) I so hope that discussions like this can help us help each other to learn to celebrate ourselves for who we are and not how we look. I used to have terrible self-image issues, really low self-esteem in that department. I'm better about it now, but it still takes self-reminders sometimes. Awareness is the first step! Keep doing whatever feels healthy for/to you and try to be strong and compassionate when faced with those who maybe haven't found 'awareness' in their journey. Love and hugs to you! :)

  10. Claudia Kuzniak says:

    Thanks for addressing this topic. I am, what I consider, appropriate for my height and age…and that is slender. That's how I like it (I can relate to be bitchy when clothes feel tight) but that's not to say it's easy. I work at it. It seems that there is this sudden assumption that, if a healthy weight is something one values, that somehow we are shallow individuals. As a school teacher who sees an epidemic number of overweight and obese children daily, I fear for our health as a nation. Being overweight is unhealthy and, I think, unattractive. There. I said it. I like what Annina said: "It's not my responsibility to make them feel at ease."

    • Hi Claudia! As mentioned to Ritz (above) I look forward to the day when we can embrace each others' uniqueness and allow ourselves to be and look however we want to look. At the same time, I agree, there is no doubt that there is an obesity epidemic happening that is separate from Western Society 'attractiveness' – and that is valid. As a teacher, you must have to walk a fine line between education and personal judgement. It's a delicate situation. And sadly, too many schools (via corrupt gov't), especially in the USA, are partnering with Big Corp who sabotage these children by putting crap food in school cafeterias. The whole thing is f*cked up. And I have no issue with anyone who prefers slim appearance or heavy or whatever. To each their own! Thank you for your comments! xo

  11. I have been, late in life, new to being considered relatively "fashionably thin". BMI of roughly up to 20 (don't care to admit when or if it's been lower than that), and not absolutely skinny, but more the inverted triangle type (with all my bones visible, front and back) … And I scare people.

    I would much rather be the bitch … I used to have a BMI of 39 briefly, when I'd been young; and I'd never known a skinny day until about a year ago… I never had been the Bitch, and I'd been obese for years …

    Someone who's never had more than 10 pounds to lose and did not need to do any exercise except the exercycle with flywheel resistance .. all their lives. I don't care what THEIR opinion of skinny is …

    This Type 2 diabetes has proven the easiest to have wasting syndrome, and yet the toughest to manage (dietary-wise) of many of my conditions since age 3, and with hereditary components.

    At the same time. I really do not feel hungry due to doing pretty much South Beach. Until I do feel hungry: which will include dizziness, disorientation, mental fuzziness – worse than when I'd had the lack of natural feel-full-o-meter at whatever weight. Which hunger can come on unexpectedly.

    That's it. But the larger culture is full of killer carbs.

    Plus strict avoidance of too many calories for me. Which is fairly low at about 1,550 – 1,650 per day. Every single day..

    You do NOT want this condition. It can keep you from being vegan or following the latest, trendy cleanse. It mandates you ditch nearly all of that yoga you love to do for actual, dedicated cardio: you KNOW the kind – you see the more muscular skinnies doing it for 40 minutes on the elliptical at the gym.

    But also, and more importantly, *I* want the "diet" that makes me a Bitch. Too late in life – maybe for the past 7 years, I've finally become a force to be reckoned with as a woman. And I feel astounded at this development …

    • This is exactly why none of us can judge unless we've walked in another's shoes! It goes both ways–whether we appear heavier than 'standard' or skinnier. Let's focus on our own health and appearance and let other's focus on theirs, without judgment. Best to you, keep doing what makes you feel good! xo

  12. orbofthenight says:

    I read this article several days ago and chose not to comment because I just couldn't believe it. I understand that as a writer you choose article headings that will get as much attention as possible. On that note have you ever thought of what this same article would sound like if you replaced "skinny" with any other privileged status; there would be public outcry. Try white, educated, rich or even straight.

    I understand that you may feel "bullied" for being thin in your small group of friends, but the hurt feelings of the oppressor are not more valid than those of the oppressed. Please check your privilege – I can think of 10+ more reasons why I'd rather be a "skinny" bitch in this society.

    I've been on both sides of this issue – thin as well as overweight and I always make a point of standing up for those who are shamed on both sides of the spectrum. We need to use our privilege in a positive way, to change the focus to where the fight really lies: on educating those who are perpetuating this hatred.

    • I think it is better for women if they cannot support each other against the patriarchy/kyriarchy … to stand up for themselves, at least.

      You could add under 40 to that list of those privileged … it seems to be evolution that the young want to push us out or make us depressed, ineffectual, dysfunctional – or at least very annoyed …Of course, I am also not rich. Otherwise, I'd have systematic buffers against all this …

      • I had to look up ' kyriarchy' before replying! lol Thanks for the new word! There are very few walks of life anywhere that we can escape from some form of prejudice. (Even rich, white, educated are judged, see above.) It's a disappointing characteristic of human psychology based in fear. Any negative thought stems from some form of fear. Fear of rejection/failure//judgment/death. Only love can correct the problem and that takes education and open, non-judgmental conversations. One day at a time, one action at a time. :)

    • Thank you for caring enough to share! My headline grabbed viewers as expected and hoped for, to open a discussion, which it has. If you view some of the other comments, you can see that there are many 'skinny bitches' who have felt bullied as well, so it's not just my small group of friends. (Incidentally, it's not just friends who feel free to make these kinds of comments.) I agree that the issue is based on hatred (which is based on low self-esteem, which ultimately is based on fear) and which only education can start to fix. Discussions like this can help us all be more mindful about our own appearance and others. I also don't think anyone ought to be shamed, whether they are white or black, rich or poor, straight or not. Hate is hate. Love is love. :)

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