I’m a “real” man. I have hair on my chest and a huge ugly beard every winter and size 11.5 feet and I can chop wood like no tomorrow and I got dirt under my fingernails and I just ate four plates for lunch and I will burp and fart and watch football and play basketball and toss a baseball and none of those things are manly, unless you’re talking about cliches, and that’s what I’m doing.

Or, rather, that’s what society is doing.

Because if you get beneath the cliche, and get to know me—or any “real man”—we’ll quickly realize, of course, that we’re all a little girly, too.

And “girly”? What’s that. Nothing, either. As they say in Buddhism, however, form is emptiness, and emptiness is form.

So if we’re gonna live in a society of cliches and a reality of truths beneath said cliches—well let’s have fun with it.

So here’s 10 girly things I do on a regular basis that your favorite “real man” will enjoy, too.

1. I’m a nerd. I read The New Yorker and, a la Portlandia, talk about every article over…

2. …brunch. I love brunch. Brunch isn’t for Sex & the Cityers. It’s for boys who like pancakes and coffee and pretending they’re reading The Sunday New York Times while flirting with whatever girl is gonna dump me, this month.

3, 4: I like to put a little oil in my bath. I think this one counts for two. I like baths. No, I love baths. Hot water is manly! And I love a little oil in my baths. Not stinky dried flowers and shit—just a drop or two of oil and your skin comes out feeling like you were born yesterday.

5. I like to climb really easy problems at the climbing gym that won’t impress any girl. Or guy, for that matter. Why? Because I love climbing–I just have a good time. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m trying to stay in shape and have a good time, because when I have a good time exercising, I keep doing it.

6. I like to not drink beer. I love beer–don’t get me wrong–it just puts me to sleep, probably because I’m a sleepy workaholic.

7. I like to decorate. I like to have a nice home. But don’t get me wrong: there’s still a few dishes in the sink and, yes, my American Apparel socks and underoos are on the floor upstairs, so I probably shouldn’t get any credit for this one.

8. I like to dance. I love to dance. I’m really, really good at it—in my own mind, after drinking one too many beers, vodkas, gins and whiskies, all at the same time (yes, I’m 190 pounds and can drink—I just don’t, often). You could file karaoke under this one, too.

9. I like gardening. By gardening, I mean, digging and moving things here and there, mostly–I have no idea how to garden. Gardening isn’t just for hankerchief-wearing old ladies with beautiful stringy gray hair and rubber clogs.

Since that one is a bit weak (farming is super manly, and farming is the brother of gardening), here’s a bonus: I like cuddling with my pooch. I love that guy. I love his velvety ears. I love his silly underbite. I love rubbing his tummy and his bum. He’s a huge dork.

10. Most embarrassing at all: I love chick flicks. Not bad ones. Good ones. I love romance. Love it. Can’t get enough. In the Buddhist tradition, we’re taught that corny is okay.

That the ideal human emotion is sadness and cheerfulness, at the same time. Smiling through tears.

Vulnerability in the front, strength in the back. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose!

 

~

The epitome of 20-somethings in flannels dream land:

Okay, after all that sweetness we need some Eye of the Tiger and punching fellow real men in the face:

Bonus: real men Garden:

An eco bachelor’s cooking lesson: