Nearly every one of us who has reached a certain age probably has at least one person who really wronged us and deserves our loathing.

Maybe it was a parent who abused us, or a spouse who left us for someone else, or maybe it was someone we trusted beyond a doubt who betrayed our trust for no rhyme or reason whatsoever.

I certainly have had one of these. Indeed, in my case, it was so clear that this person wronged me that even many of their friends who hardly knew me came out as firmly on my side once the story became known. (That’s one of the disadvantages of living in small town: sooner or latter everyone knows your business.) Worst of all, I had no closure, as in no final confrontation, no opportunity to vent, nothing.

While it was clear that I didn’t want this person in life anymore, I really wanted them to “pay” for what they did. The fact that they seemingly had no remorse for their actions only added to my bafflement and frustration.

In my fantasies, I wanted them to realize what they had done and beg for forgiveness. Needless to say, that never happened. Worse was the occasions when I would see this person from afar seemingly having a great time. When was karma going to catch up with this person? Was it possible that they could go unpunished and never even feel bad?

However, there came a point in my life where I had to let go or else I knew there was a good chance I was going to have a mental breakdown, which not only would have affected me but those around me including my children.

Eventually, I decided to seek professional help and also try some other things that helped in the past in times of crisis. While I can’t say this is a magic formula or that I am well and truly at the point where it’s all water under the bridge, the following have nonetheless been very helpful in my own recovery.

1. Tell your story.

By all means do this, but only share your story with those who you sincerely trust and are supporters rather than rubberneckers. When sharing my story, I made it clear I wasn’t looking for someone to “fix” things or give advice. Rather, I just wanted my story told.

Even though there was a lot of detail and drama in my tale, I tended to stick with just the bare facts at first.

Just getting that bare minimum out felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I had expected a lot of criticism or comments about how “foolish” I had acted, but overwhelmingly, I got nothing but support and empathy. That helped a ton to help me move ahead.

2. Journal.

I set aside a journal which I used just to write about this particular topic. I wrote how I was feeling, letters to the person who wronged me, and basically anything and everything that happened to be in my head at the time. It was my time to be completely uncensored and true to myself.

Seeing how much anger I had inside was both terrifying and in an odd way, liberating. Letting out help dispense a lot of it.

3. Envision the perfect situation that would allow you to say, “I’ve achieved closure.”

In my case, I pictured my wrongdoer looking into my eyes and saying sincerely, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” I knew it was never likely to happen in real life, but having that vision was helpful. I also envisioned how I would react.

Much like the journalling, this is not the time to be PC. Maybe in your scenario, you make your wrongdoer feel as bad as you did, maybe you even envision slapping them—it’s all okay. It’s just fantasy after all. There is a huge difference between visualizing hitting a person and actually doing it. And while I don’t advocate violence in real life, it can be liberating in the world of fantasy.

Likewise, imagine what you do afterwards: is it possible to just walk way and never have any desire to see or say another word to that person again? Spend some time on how that feels.

4. Try to remember the good things (if possible) about the wrongdoer.

This is a surprising one, but one that a therapist suggested. In many cases, a wrongdoer is often someone we once really loved in some way. As difficult as it was for me to admit, I had really loved and cared for this person for an extended period of time.  Remembering what I had liked about them made me see that the time we knew each other was not a total loss.

In fact, much of my rage turned to sadness over the loss of what we had once had. And while sadness isn’t a great emotion to have, I’ll take it over all-consuming rage any time.

In closing, letting go of someone who truly wronged us can be a lot easier said than done. As someone who has been there and still working on it, I can’t say it’s a quick process or one that can be resolved by following certain steps. In any case, just trying to take a few steps forward can be beneficial even if it’s only temporary. If nothing else works, then don’t hesitate to seek out the help of a professional. And remember: it really isn’t about the other person but ourselves.

The sooner we let go, the sooner we can move forward towards a better future.

 

 

Relephant: 

The Key to Freedom is Forgiveness.

~

Author: Kimberly Lo

Editor: Travis May

Images: Flickr/BK