For a short while now, I’ve been in a slump of self-pity and despair.

I’ve slowly watched my perceptions about myself shift from loving to hateful. My problems may be high-class, but they’re all relative. When I’m in this state, instead of manifesting my hopes and dreams, everything becomes impossible, and I’m just not good enough. Nothing I do is right, and at the end of the day, I lie on my back mulling over every time I’ve fallen short in the 24 hours behind me, never seeing one good thing that’s came out of any moment.

Through putting myself down on a frequent and consistent basis, these things start to actually manifest. The universe recognizes the negative vibrations I’m constantly emitting, and it responds accordingly. I become selfish, inconsiderate, and afraid of everything and everyone, and in turn, I start digging a hole of missed opportunities and damaged relationships. Why do I do this? I know exactly what I’m doing, and I know exactly where it will take me, but I do it anyway, because that’s what I’ve done all my life. The darkness is familiar, and it welcomes me with asphyxiating arms.

There is one thing that remains constant throughout these grim and tumultuous times: my knowledge that the universe is much bigger and more complicated than I make it seem. Contrary to what my humanity wants me to believe, not everything is about me.

If I remain humble and continue to nurture my spiritual condition, the darkness will pass right over my head like a thunder storm in late July. As long as I do the things I need to be doing and diligently work toward a solution, light will once again infiltrate my life. I will undoubtedly emerge stronger and wiser for having endured such suffering. Knowing this fact now has been the difference between life and death.

Those people who recognize I’m full of fear, doubt and self-loathing, yet still have enough compassion to accept me exactly the way I am with a gentle hand and a heart full of love, are the gift that has transformed my life. They have the ability to see things within me that are impossible for me to recognize while I’m engulfed by such negativity. They tell me that I’m beautiful, and that I’m really not so bad. After hearing these things for a while, I start believing them again, and slowly, the dark veil over my eyes begins to dissipate, and I am grateful.

I don’t want to say that I depend on my relationships to save me, but to some extent, I do. Making the choice to form relationships that feed my soul and walking away from those who feed off of my soul has given me more strength than I’d ever thought possible. The strength that they so graciously transmit is the foundation that I use to build myself back up again, and without them I’d be a crumbling, dilapidated pile of fear, anger, hate and hopelessness.

Fortunately, though, I’m not without them. I have a choice to live in the sunlight. And for that, I am grateful.

Author: Kaley Conner

Editor: Evan Yerburgh

Image: Flickr