Editor’s note: Dear friends, while we may disagree with this author, even violently or vehemently, as some of you have expressed, that’s great. We’re a community that allows space for dialogue—even for some of us to be “wrong.” That’s how we all learn. If we want to all agree with one another 100% of the time, there’s MSNBC or Fox News. elephant is not a yes-men club. Please be kind to one another in our speech, even in our disagreeing, which is welcome here. That’s what elephant is for.

Have opinions or thoughts about this article? Join the conversation by commenting below or sharing your own view here.~ Ed.

 

Many believe that honesty is the best policy. Others say discretion is the better part of valor.

But when it comes to a love relationship, it’s easy to sabotage it by revealing unnecessary and inappropriate information to the other person.

Unfortunately, such honesty is often hurtful and can damage a relationship in unforeseen ways.

Yes, being truthful is important.

But are there times when you are better off not answering a new romantic partner’s questions, or even, not telling the truth?

After all, sometimes it’s “what you don’t say” that can build a trusting relationship. Sometimes, it’s important to withhold the truth until the time is right.

It’s easy to meet someone you like, go out and quickly become intimate, and then innocently let the truth slip out to a lover’s questions without realizing that sharing such information can be hurtful and divisive to the health of a relationship.

Therefore, when having an intimate discussion with a romantic partner, ask yourself, “does such honesty advance the relationship?” Or, would giving an honest answer be indelicate and indiscreet?

Of course, it’s always a personal decision that each person in a relationship must make about what to share, what not to share and how honest to be. Today’s relationship connections are already precarious.

To be honest, or not—that is the question here.

Sometimes, you may be inclined to practice the type of honesty that George Washington practiced (i.e. “I cannot tell a lie, I chopped down the cherry tree”). Instead, say nothing or be willing to respond to a lover’s personal questions (especially in the early stages of a relationship) with replies such as, “that’s old history, I don’t want to get into it,” or “that’s too personal,” or “that’s from my past, I’d rather it stay buried.”

Based on counseling 100s of men and women about their dating and love relationships—and 30 years of my own relationship experience—let me share a list of things never to joke about or tell a man when you’re in a romantic relationship.

1. Never tell a man that you hate your exes.

The quickest way to sound like a “loser” or victim is to speak badly about an ex-relationship. Even if your last boyfriend was a lying, cheating scumbag who broke your heart and humiliated you, it does you no good to “throw-up” this information at someone you’re having a relationship with. It raises the obvious question: if he was so horrible why were you with him for such a long time?

Better idea: Keep your angry, vengeful thoughts to yourself. Instead, be diplomatic when discussing exes. Think of some of the benefits you received from your past relationship. By communicating what you liked about your relationship, you’ll appear classy and kind. By de-emphasizing the negative you’ll appear charitable. Don’t discuss your negative experiences until you really get to know the other person better.

2. That you hate a particular body part. 

All of us have insecurities about our bodies—it goes with the territory of being human. It’s natural to become even more self-conscious about your imperfections when you meet someone who you’re attracted to. But it’s a mistake to draw their attention to your physical flaws (i.e. “I hate my: curly hair, large thighs, muffin top, small breasts, eyebrow hair, etc.”) because it only shows your insecurity and raises questions about your self-esteem.

After all, you are a total person, not just “your body.”

Ironically, if you’re a big-boned, full-figured woman, that could be the very quality that attracts a man to you. Sharing your dislike for a part of your body is not only toxic to your psyche but can be a turnoff to a man who hears you deprecate yourself.

Never forget: beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

There have been women who disparage themselves for having a big behind, only to find that the man they’re with is a big “ass-man.” One person’s idea of a flaw is another person’s turn-on. You never know!

Better idea: Let your love interest make his own discoveries about your body. Keep your insecurities to yourself. It’s perfectly alright to make fun of your physical shortcomings in a lighthearted manner. Once you’re in a committed relationship, you’ll either be so secure you won’t care about your flaws or you’ll have established an intimacy where can ask for re-assurance. (“Are you sure you don’t think my breasts are too small?”)

3. The size of his penis.

Unless you’re going out with a man who belongs to the “big dick club,” (i.e. the 1% of the male population with a penis measuring longer than 8 ¾ inches), it’s best to avoid dick discussions or Johnson jokes. A man is far more sensitive and insecure about his penis than a woman could ever imagine. No matter how much reassurance you give him, he’ll still want more.

In fact, don’t ever joke about another man having a small penis, even if it’s the funny story your girlfriend told you about her “Alice in peter-land” adventure.” It will only make your man feel awkward and insecure. It’s much better for him to think it’s not even a topic worthy of discussion.

Better idea: After making love, if a man asks, “Was my penis big enough to satisfy you?” Your answer is always: “It’s the perfect size for me.” End of discussion.

4. Don’t brag about numbers (eg: how many people you’ve slept with). 

Most men secretly want to believe that you’ve rarely had sex before them (and if you have, it was probably rather insignificant). They believe their arrival into your life will commence a period where you become an insatiable vixen who finally discovers what great sex is all about.

If, in their lovemaking with you, they find you to be a great lover, they are secretly amazed you could learn so much after having so little experience.

Men either have no clue, or they cling to their fantasies.

So, should you get asked questions about past love experiences, keep the number of men you’ve slept with reasonably low. It will flatter his ego. (According to a survey of adults aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetime; men have an average of seven.)

If you reveal that you’ve slept with too many men, you’ll appear promiscuous and his opinion of you will sink. If you say that you’ve slept with too few, he’ll know you’re lying.

Better idea: If the question is ever asked, the answer is always, “I’ve always been very selective about who I make love with. I usually only have sex in my long-term relationships.”

5. Don’t discuss past indiscretions early on. 

Clearly there are women who have been unfaithful in their past, whether it was because their partner cheated on them, because their partner wasn’t interested in sex, or because they just wanted to have an exciting affair outside of their relationship.

If you’ve ever been unfaithful, it doesn’t matter what reason motivated your infidelity. Keep this part of your chequered past to yourself (unless you want to fill a new lover with worry and concern). If a man believes you’ve been unfaithful before, he’ll trust you less and be suspect of you in the future.

His fears about your past unfaithfulness may come back to haunt you on those evenings you’re out with your friends, especially if they are men. He may become needlessly anxious and even jealous. So, forget about discussing your past infidelity. Also, never mention one of your girlfriend’s infidelity, because your boyfriend may assume that you’re collaborating and discussing similar tactics.

Better idea: If the question comes up, don’t worry about lying. Ask yourself: Is it really important for him to know about the time in your past when you were unfaithful? There is nothing to be gained with such a confession. What’s important is how you behave in your relationship with him.

6. Avoid talking about abortions.

If the long-term relationship you’re in becomes quite serious because—for example, you’re moving in together or getting engaged or married—it may be important to reveal certain personal secrets. One of them may be the fact that you’ve had an abortion or several abortions over the years.

Making the decision to have an abortion and going through the procedure is a very personal experience. In early courtship, it’s not necessary for a man to understand your abortion history and the factors that led to your decision to terminate an unwanted pregnancy.

There’s plenty of time to reveal that personal experience once you’ve reached a deep level of commitment where you are discussing a future together. Meanwhile, that topic is not appropriate for general discussion with someone you’re dating, or even a new boyfriend. So, don’t bring it up.

Better idea: If the question of your ever having an abortion is asked, you can decide if you’re comfortable discussing it. If you’re not, you can always say, “Yes, I’ve had an abortion, but it was a very personal experience and I promise that when I’m ready to share it with you, I’ll let you know.”

7. Don’t tell a man that you dislike his mother.

Even if you meet a man who tells you he’s angry with his mother—giving you many reasons for why he’s upset at her—it’s a good idea not to get involved. Avoid criticizing her, and even letting him know that you dislike her too (even if you do).

It’s likely that despite his anger, his relationship with his mother is important to him, no matter what he says. Eventually, they may make up; and even though you may have been critical of his mother to placate him and curry his favor, the fact that he knows you don’t like her could undermine your relationship with him. Worse, he may mention your opinions to his mother (i.e. “Even my girlfriend thinks you’re a controlling bitch”). The fallout from sharing your strong opinions about not liking her could undermine your whole relationship with him (and her).

Always remember this: when there is a disagreement between two people, a family member and a friend, it is said, “Blood is thicker than water.” This old adage explains that even when sides are divided, family comes before a friend (i.e. You). Don’t ever put yourself in this position because you’ll likely emerge the loser.

Better idea: If your boyfriend is angry with his mother, even for reasons you agree with, listen compassionately, console, comfort and let him know you understand why he’s upset. Avoid making judgments and expressing criticisms of her. There’s plenty of time to do that once you’re part of his family and you have first-hand experience where expressing your opinion is more appropriate.

~

Learn about your Horoscope, and how the planets may be affecting you, and whether they may be bringing a compatible relationship into your future – by going to FREE Transit Calculator and entering your birth date. And, if you’re curious to learn more about your personal Horoscope and what it says about your love relationships, career, investments and health in: Order your customized Report: Your Horoscope & Future in 2015-16. Or, a report on Your Love Compatibility with another person.

~

Relephant:

10 Signs that He or She Only Wants to F*ck You!

~
Bonus! What to do (and not to do) on first dates:

Author: Larry Schwimmer

Editor: Caitlin Oriel

Image: Ashley Webb/Flickr