5.8
August 1, 2010

10 Reasons your Yoga Classes Suck.

Editor’s note. Many of our readers “hate”—hate—this snarky articolo. Mark rubs a lot of folks the wrong way. I find making fun of myself and what I love cathartic, and so appreciated this. As they say, there’s no legislating whether a joke is funny or not. 


“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” ~ E. B. White

Please quit your day job and become a stand up comedian.

Have you observed these and other classic FAIL situations in yoga class?

1. Teachers that refer to your ass as “Booty.” KC and the Sunshine Band called.  They want their lyrics back.  Skinny-assed white teachers should not be using this word. Ever.

2. Teachers that refer to the collective as “My Friends.” Are you running for class president?  Is this some kind of stump speech? Friends don’t charge their “Friends” $18 to take a yoga class.

3. Punctuating a lame observation with YA? “This posture is good for your spleen YA?” Do we live in Deutschland?  Did you do your teacher training after you finished medical school?

4. Half assed/off-key OMs. There is nothing like a near-empty class of tone-deaf college students and soccer moms chanting OM to set a positive tone for a yoga class. Can we first hear a clean G major chord from an instrument to get us on key?

5. Spray bottle noises before class starts. What are these people doing exactly? Don’t they realize its 130 degrees in the studio? In a minute, you and your mat will be soaking wet.

6. Paying $18 for a drop-in class that is taught by a recent graduate of teacher training. These teachers should be paying us $18 to suffer through their clunky flow…and trite observations on life.

7. Shameless plugs for teacher training before and after class. Okay, we get it. Teacher training is a huge profit center for the yoga studios. But do we really need to be pitched on the up-sell every single time? Can’t you buy a Super Bowl ad to reach everybody in America at the same time once a year? [or, slightly cheaper, an ad on ele? ~ed.]

8. While doing sit-ups, teachers that say “only 20 more minutes of these.” Har Dee Har Har! Please quit your day job and become a standup comedian.  Soon you’ll be telling jokes to your friends on “open mike” night.

9. Pools of sweat from the class that just ended. As if the toe nail clippings aren’t bad enough.

10. People that come to class a minute before it starts and ask if they can squeeze in next to you. Listen fellow yogi/yogini, I snuck out of the office 30 minutes before the lunch hour officially started to get this spot. Who do you think you are?  Russell Brand?

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Mark Kreloff  |  Contribution: 1,300