August 8, 2010

Getting punched in the stomach 100x on fast forward. Well, hello Sunday morning.

It is a quiet Sunday morning.

I’m laying in a warm, toasty bed, swallowed by a goose down comforter and pillow, gazing out my window, thinking but trying not to think, wondering if I should attempt to sleep off the restlessness of last night’s slumber?

Why taint the start of a beautiful day with thoughts so soon?

Oh why not, let me put off deciphering thoughts from last night and just check my email then? Grabbed my macbook, logged in, deleted the spam, deleted the facebook notification emails and immediately zero’d in on an email sent from a notoriously angry person in my life.

Don’t. Open. It.

Recklessly, I do. I should have known better. Immediate self-flagellation.

I can feel my body tense, I can feel my chest tighten, I can feel my breath becoming ever so shallow and I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach 100 times in fast forward.

Well? (sigh) Good morning.

Maybe I should have stayed in bed, shut my eyes and tried to sleep through the static that has suddenly decided to take over and contaminate my quiet Sunday morning.

Too late.

As the mind will have it, it turns on overdrive and…fireworks. Thoughts soar, zoom, whiz and plummet, taking me on what seems to be the beginning of a pretty gnarly journey stemming from insecurities, stresses and anxieties. Two options are available: stay on the runaway train, clutching on to old patterns of behavior, anticipating the inevitable crash and burn, or courageously take a leap of faith off the train and change the course.

I’m opting for the latter.

The breath returns and the mind begins to quiet.

We all have moments like this – moments where the rug feels like it’s been pulled from underneath us unexpectedly and moments where our sense of Self suddenly becomes questioned yet again. Stillness stemming from an internal space of center, of inner balance governs our choices as to how we act and react to the world around us and whatever Life wants to throw our way. Serenity, peace and embracing challenging moments with grace is a choice.

Bring it on, I’m ready.

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