Top 20 thoughts to think while pretending to meditate.

I am the King of the Monkey Mind!

I never force my mind to go anywhere in particular when I sit zazen. When thoughts come, I let them come. When they go, I let them go. Of course there are times when the chugpi is struck three times, signaling the end of practice and I realize that really, I was just pretending to meditate the entire time.

So from my distraction to your amusement I present:

Top 20 Thoughts to Think While Pretending to Meditate!

20. Boobies.

19. What’s Opera Doc? “Oh Bwunhilda! You’re so wovewy! Yes I know it, I can’t help it!”

18. Ow! Cramp cramp cramp cramp cramp cramp cramp!

17. Does the song The Final Countdown have any lyrics besides, “It’s the final countdown!”?

16. If I were Wolverine and my claws extended right now, which body parts would be effected?

15. I got this shit down!

14. cokacolacokacolacokacola

13. Choo-choo train! Woo woo!

12. Everyone would totally freak out if I started floating.

11. I sure do love watching cat videos on YouTube.

10. Access: denied. Access: denied. Access: denied. Access: denied. Access: granted. Woohoo!

9. Now that would be the perfect sandwich!

8. “Hello Blake!” “Hello face emerging out of the grain of the zendo’s hardwood floor!”

7. Does it really matter that Han Solo shot first?

6. Reality is a still pond. What we perceive are the ripples. Hobos drink ripple. I wonder what ripple tastes like. I bet it’s gross. Worse than Maddog 20/20.

5. Calliope music!

4. Frag this! I’m taking up yoga! Mmmm… yoga pants

3. I wonder what would happen if I replaced the regular incense with the bacon-sented variety.

2. Wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller, wish I had a girl who looked good I would her. wish I had a rabbit in a something something something, ’64 Impala. OH! Cruising down the street in my ’64. Jockin the bitches, slapping the hos. Went to the park to get the scoop. Knuckleheads out there cold shooting some hoop.

1. Don’t know.


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K du Soleil Feb 12, 2014 7:38pm

Monkey mind says: inhale, exhale, OK got that down. It is imperative that one be comfortable in meditation so snuggle in. Sore back? Not yet? Better not get one, they aren’t conducive to meditation. It’s best that you just lie down now and stretch. Now that you’re lying down, just focus on the breath. After you get a blanket. Now, breathing, yes. Recall how much you like chanting. Chanting is the most effective meditation for you. Can’t do that laying down though, so sit up. Your throat sounds a little rough. Maybe you are coming down with a cold. You should stop chanting and go take a stream shower. You can chant in the shower. Don’t forget to shave.

Richelle Jul 25, 2012 7:34pm

My monkey mind at play:
MEDITATION TEACHER: imagine you are a tiny cotton ball on a bamboo tree
ME: small. and fuzzy. tiny. white cotton ball. white looks good w/tan. wonder how much that would weigh. i need to lose 5 lbs. must stop eating churros. should cleanse. monday's good day to start…
TEACHER: now imagine an empty glass
ME: crap… focus. fuzzy small ball. empty glass. empty. empty wine glass. should open that bottle of wine I've been saving. or maybe wait and share it with someone. hmmm? who though?
TEACHER: now imagine a glass full of water & you pour into empty glass
ME: must focus. emptying. emptying. hot. so sweaty. should have stood in front of the fan tonight. maybe i'll sweat off 5lbs….wonder if churro guy will still be open after class… hmmm churros with wine….crap… FOCUS!!!!

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Blake Wilson

Blake is a law librarian and a member of the Kwan Um School of Zen, sitting with the Kansas Zen Center in Lawrence, Kansas. Blake is way into g33k culture which, as he sees it, easily includes Zen, and is willing to share with you his struggles and observations. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter, and kansaszencenter.org.