Top 20 thoughts to think while pretending to meditate.

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I am the King of the Monkey Mind!

I never force my mind to go anywhere in particular when I sit zazen. When thoughts come, I let them come. When they go, I let them go. Of course there are times when the chugpi is struck three times, signaling the end of practice and I realize that really, I was just pretending to meditate the entire time.

So from my distraction to your amusement I present:

Top 20 Thoughts to Think While Pretending to Meditate!

20. Boobies.

19. What’s Opera Doc? “Oh Bwunhilda! You’re so wovewy! Yes I know it, I can’t help it!”

18. Ow! Cramp cramp cramp cramp cramp cramp cramp!

17. Does the song The Final Countdown have any lyrics besides, “It’s the final countdown!”?

16. If I were Wolverine and my claws extended right now, which body parts would be effected?

15. I got this shit down!

spiritual fuck off

14. cokacolacokacolacokacola

13. Choo-choo train! Woo woo!

12. Everyone would totally freak out if I started floating.

11. I sure do love watching cat videos on YouTube.

10. Access: denied. Access: denied. Access: denied. Access: denied. Access: granted. Woohoo!

9. Now that would be the perfect sandwich!

8. “Hello Blake!” “Hello face emerging out of the grain of the zendo’s hardwood floor!”

7. Does it really matter that Han Solo shot first?

6. Reality is a still pond. What we perceive are the ripples. Hobos drink ripple. I wonder what ripple tastes like. I bet it’s gross. Worse than Maddog 20/20.

5. Calliope music!

4. Frag this! I’m taking up yoga! Mmmm… yoga pants

3. I wonder what would happen if I replaced the regular incense with the bacon-sented variety.

2. Wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller, wish I had a girl who looked good I would her. wish I had a rabbit in a something something something, ’64 Impala. OH! Cruising down the street in my ’64. Jockin the bitches, slapping the hos. Went to the park to get the scoop. Knuckleheads out there cold shooting some hoop.

1. Don’t know.


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About Blake Wilson

Blake is a law librarian and a member of the Kwan Um School of Zen, sitting with the Kansas Zen Center in Lawrence, Kansas. Blake is way into g33k culture which, as he sees it, easily includes Zen, and is willing to share with you his struggles and observations. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter, and


25 Responses to “Top 20 thoughts to think while pretending to meditate.”

  1. Blake says:

    Actually it tends to be, "I wonder if the incense will cover the smell should this fart come out…"

  2. elephantjournal says:

    My knee hurts. I have an itch on my neck. What's for lunch? Should I go for a walk? I like that girl. Hahahahah it's funny when someone farts. I hate that thing that happened I'm really troubled by that what should I do? I hate it when that person's shoulder moves back and forth…maybe I'll shift to the left and stare at the floor. My foot hurts.

  3. allyson says:

    what time is it? is it almost time to stop? i bet it's almost time to stop. i wonder if we'll walk or break for tea or do yoga . i know it's got to be close to time to stop. the timekeeper must not be paying attention, because i know it's got to be time to stop. the time keeper has forgotten about us. it's definately past time to stop.

  4. Richard says:

    Ring the damn bell…ring the damn bell…ring the damn bell…

  5. Charlotte says:

    My fave: How can I get out of here without anyone noticing?

  6. tammy says:

    Rah rah moo lah la-ah… no, that's not it. Mah mah oo rah ra-ah? Nope. Rah rah oo rah ma-ah? Uh, no, that's not it….

  7. […] Save the Whales—USDA Organic—Get Laid. With thanks for the tip to…er, well, I won’t out him. […]

  8. Linda says:

    Thx sooooo much Blake…was wondering about the Han Solo dilemma all the way through meditation this morning after reading this article… 😉 LOL

  9. Brianna says:

    I tend to think "There is someone staring at me, I just know someone is staring at me…maybe I should take a peek….Damn…no one was looking."

    Oh, brain. you are fun.

  10. Hilary Lindsay says:

    This post is brilliant. You guys are hysterical. Whatever meditation you all do sounds like torture but it's worth it for the jokes.

  11. swati jr* says:

    why do i never put a pad and pen next to me!? i know i always get great ideas when i meditate. shoot. will i remember that i just came up with the best___ ever??? damn it's hot/cold in here!! who left the fan on? did i wear these pants yesterday? what day is it? creepy. how many more lifetimes will i have to sit here. like this. meditating? great. now i'm hungry…..

  12. […] Save the Whales—USDA Organic—Get Laid. With thanks for the tip to…er, well, I won’t out him. […]

  13. […] could not stay awake—and if I was awake—I was dreaming about designing websites, starting businesses, traveling across the world, falling […]

  14. […] bad. Desire is different, and perhaps slipperier, than willful grasping. Want will always be there, bouncing around in the “monkey-mind,” maybe even in the heart. It’s our job as grownups and spiritual warriors to step back, chill out […]

  15. yogiclarebear says:

    yup #2. or lately,

    Clean on the outside cream on the inside ice cream paint job.
    Got screens on the dash watchin saved by the bell got a house by the
    yea im livin like that, and im ridin like that.
    Boy im ridin like that and the sturring wheel wood like a baseball bat.
    Just like Archie said We Ready. Whole cliques straight, lunatics like nelly.
    Gran Marquis paint job grape jelly, R triple BC big black box Chevy.
    Crank my car, she be hummin, rims so big u can see me comin.
    Prime time click, we get money, stay iced up like TV johnny.

    Cream on the inside
    Clean on the outside
    Cream on the inside
    Clean on the outside
    Cream on the inside
    Clean on the outside
    Ice, ice cream, Ice cream paint job.

    and…somewhere in there is my mantra…

  16. […] Thoughts are as solid as rocks. They are alive. They can travel faster than the speed of light and take on various forms. They are subtle forces, so it is essential to keep your thoughts in check, given that they are vibrations that affect the universe, other beings, and you directly. […]

  17. Oh, ha ha. Straight boy humor. Um, it’s “affect,” not “effect.”

  18. Lorin says:

    My toes look disgusting. I could really use a pedicure. What could I have for a snack after this? Pretzels would be good. So would chocolate and peanut butter. Maybe pretzels with chocolate and peanut butter. I wonder how many calories are in a bowl of chocolate and peanut butter. Calorie is a stupid sounding word.

  19. […] This baby monk in Thailand can’t seem to stay awake during meditation: […]

  20. Richelle says:

    My monkey mind at play:
    MEDITATION TEACHER: imagine you are a tiny cotton ball on a bamboo tree
    ME: small. and fuzzy. tiny. white cotton ball. white looks good w/tan. wonder how much that would weigh. i need to lose 5 lbs. must stop eating churros. should cleanse. monday's good day to start…
    TEACHER: now imagine an empty glass
    ME: crap… focus. fuzzy small ball. empty glass. empty. empty wine glass. should open that bottle of wine I've been saving. or maybe wait and share it with someone. hmmm? who though?
    TEACHER: now imagine a glass full of water & you pour into empty glass
    ME: must focus. emptying. emptying. hot. so sweaty. should have stood in front of the fan tonight. maybe i'll sweat off 5lbs….wonder if churro guy will still be open after class… hmmm churros with wine….crap… FOCUS!!!!

  21. […] Doesn’t this happen to everyone during meditation some days? […]

  22. K du Soleil says:

    Monkey mind says: inhale, exhale, OK got that down. It is imperative that one be comfortable in meditation so snuggle in. Sore back? Not yet? Better not get one, they aren’t conducive to meditation. It’s best that you just lie down now and stretch. Now that you’re lying down, just focus on the breath. After you get a blanket. Now, breathing, yes. Recall how much you like chanting. Chanting is the most effective meditation for you. Can’t do that laying down though, so sit up. Your throat sounds a little rough. Maybe you are coming down with a cold. You should stop chanting and go take a stream shower. You can chant in the shower. Don’t forget to shave.

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