February 6, 2011

Elephant Super Bowl Picks. ~Joe Yeoman

Photo By Davey Nin

The Super Bowl, the world’s greatest holiday, is bearing down on you and you’re about to get sacked.

As a countdown, I will be supplying you, America, with daily blasts about the NFL, parties, and the Super Bowl itself, which we’ll live blog and tweet here in Boulder from a big solar power company (of course) where we’ll be watching The Game.

Here are the links to other Elephant articles that you may enjoy:

Five Reasons to Avoid the SB. Five Reasons to Indulge. Yoga and Football. The Bro Code. Destroy Ben Roethlisberger. Food for Thought. Self Loathing. Commercials, Commercials, and more CommercialsAnd a letter to you, America.  Enjoy! ~ Joe Yeoman

At 18:30 EST, the Steelers and the Packers will clash together in an epic duel. Personally, I will be hanging out with Waylon and blogging about the game. Legendary is the only way to describe it. So for a quick preview of our game day rants and updates, here are some of our projected winners for the game:

Waylon Lewis: The Gipper.

I have no idea who oughta win, not having followed football at all this year (though I still think it’s our American duty to watch it).

So: President Ronald Reagan will be the ultimate victor of the Super Bowl because, were he alive today, it’d be his 100th bday—and ’cause his legacy was far less conservative than we imagine it to be today. In fact, he made President Clinton look downright fiscally responsible.

Click to watch this awesome Reagan ad.

Here is another great link of Reagan watching the big game and then addressing the winners, or flipping a coin.

Pam Fivner: Puppies.

Well, it is inevitable that I will be forced into watching the Super Bowl come Sunday, but last year I stumbled upon a cute, cuddly contrast to the high intensity of the “Big Game.” Of course, I am talking about Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl!! I know, it’s a little ridiculous, but it starts before the “real” game and everyone is a winner!

Dan Slanger: High Fructose Corn Syrup.

My pick is a bit corny (pun, unfortunately, intended—as in HF Corn Syrup.

Image by man man the sox fan

It’ll be a tie between Pepsi and Coke. Sadly, the Next Generation might have to sit out due to unnecessary diabetes and dental work. But I’m still putting all my money on a whole foods comeback rally, led by Michael Pollan and his simple, time-tested playbook:

(1) Eat food.

(2) Mostly plants.

(3) Not too much.

As for the game, Packers because elephant editor Bob Weisenberg is from Wisconsin.

Joe Yeoman: The Bears, the Jets, and the Republican Party.

The Bears: I refuse to believe that the Bears lost the NFC Championship to the Packers. I don’t care if I develop a tumor because of my insistence on Jay Cutler becoming a Super Bowl hero.

The Jets: I hate, actually Loathe is a better word to describe the pit of burning anger against the Steelers that burns in my soul. I can’t stand Big Ben, I think that Pitt is over-rated, and their jerseys are so ugly. Instead of Pitt, I wish that the classy Jets were battling against the Bears.

Chicago vs. New York. America’s two best cities finally get in the ring, and I bet that the Second City would come out on top.

The Republican Party: Snow and ice in Dallas? Here’s an inconvenient truth Nation, Global Warming is dead. I don’t care that we’ve had the hottest year ever—that’s just a symptom of all the wind farms pushing heat around and solar panels reflecting heat back into the clouds. Right now, all of this snow attacking our country proves inconceivably that the climate is not changing.

Instead, the Republican Party will come out on top because commercialism is back baby: big trucks, Coke, beer, and meat.

This Super Bowl, I’m gunna say a big F-U to Mother Nature and drown out that B with a Hummer.

(The Packers will win.)

Audrey Mangan: The Big Green

Guacamole will win, because that shit is delicious and packed with way more nutrients than salsa.

Clearly, I’m always thinking with my stomach.

Bob Weisenberg: The State of Wisconsin

Green Bay Packers, no question.

I live two hours south of Green Bay, so I might not be entirely objective.

David Telfer McConaghay: Steel City

Photo by Aidan Morgan

The Steelers will win by 10. It will be close until the 3rd quarter, but Pitt will pull away with a series of devastating defensive plays followed by prolonged drives which result in touchdowns.

Pittsburgh can overpower anyone. Aaron Rodgers may have a more complete skill-set, but Big Ben is crafty and knows how to win ugly. He and his team have been here before, and recently, so they know just what to expect in terms of hoopla and pressure. Plus, I’ll take Tomlin over McCarthy everyday.

Having said that, I would like to see the Pack put up a good fight, for entertainment purposes, to represent the NFC North with pride, and to give hope to all my people in Wisconsin (Love you, Lefty Lulu!). However, the purple in my blood will not allow me to root for the Pack to win. Ever… Never ever. Ever. SKOL Vikings!!

Bonus….by David.

The Egyptian people will lose (for one day, at least), as attentions turn and priorities shift. As Colbert pointed out, the “situation in Egypt is a true test… of the American people’s attention span. 10 days? Really? I say free yourselves or get off the pot… We’ve got a super bowl coming…”

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Crisis in Egypt – Anderson Cooper & Bill O’Reilly
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive
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