How to Find the One.

Via Suzanne Jones
on Feb 14, 2011
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Kiss me by Scented_mirror, on Flickr

Photo: Mariana Amorim

The One Lives Inside of You.

Just over 20 years ago I thought I had found The One. He was tall, strikingly handsome and extremely charming. He was intelligent and sensitive. He liked cats for goodness sake! He was a lover of children, took long bubble baths and was willing to give up watching football–for me!

“Oh my God,” I thought, “I have found The One!” I just couldn’t believe that I was his One too. Me? I never thought I would ever be anyone’s The One, let alone this smokin’ hot, super-sensitive, funny and charming superman! It was a drug more powerful than any I have ever known.

Anything I wanted to do he would do. Anywhere I wanted to go he would follow. We moved to Maine, we traveled to Spain. We got married (okay, that one took some convincing), bought a house and had a baby. I started a business and he became a house husband. I had a Mr. Mom and every woman was jealous of me. We lived in Italy, bought a cabin on a lake and had another baby. From the outside we were the envy of everyone who knew us, and even those who didn’t. We looked like we had it all: love, money, health and happiness. Over the years he told me over and over again, “you are the love of my life,” and yet, something was just not adding up.

In the early stages of our life together I recognized one powerful and important dynamic: I did not like the way I felt when this man spoke to me. I felt misunderstood, I felt stupid and most of all–I felt disrespected. I was young and hopeful, but the sinking feeling that I had in my body, mind and spirit when he spoke to me was so palpable that after one year of being with him, I had to say something.

“I don’t like the way I feel when you talk to me,” I told him, “and the only way to address this is to leave the relationship.” He was crushed. He cried and said he would change. He begged and pleaded for me to give him a chance. In the end, I couldn’t leave him. After all, he was The One. Finding The One means that there is no other. That’s it. The. One.

We began couples therapy and continued for ten solid years. Each therapist would say the same thing: “Well, it’s clear that the love is there,” but was it love, or was it just not wanting to let go of The One and end up with The None?

The years went on and he did not change, but I did. I became smaller, less strong. I felt so lucky to have someone to love me as much as he said he did. On top of that, he was able to see all of my flaws and was not afraid to point them out to me. He would make me a better person. He told me so often “you’re selfish” and “you don’t know what compromise is” and “you don’t know what it means to be in a marriage” and (the kiss of death), “you don’t know the meaning of the word compassion.”

How can it be that I simply did not see these things about myself? Over time, I couldn’t imagine that anyone would want to be anywhere near a wretch like me. Thank the stars above that I had him to make me likable, tolerable and approachable. Just being near him made me better and, like finding a needle in a haystack, I felt like I had won the relationship lottery. I had found The One and boy, where would I be without him? Still, I found myself questioning and becoming angry. I judged myself for this anger because he loved me so much. Why couldn’t I just be thankful?

Like a dog that is hit repeatedly, he eventually believes he deserves the treatment and so had I become. The questions still remained but I gave up on doing anything about it. Perhaps my greatest moment of learning acceptance was in my marriage. I accepted my life, my husband, my marriage and what I saw to be my future. Many years had passed. We had two children, a life, a house in Maine–and I saw that there was no way out. I was in it, together, with The One for the rest of my days. Trapped.

Like that aforementioned dog that eventually snaps, I had a moment of rebellion and turned on my husband. In one last expression of my voice I sat him down and angrily declared, “I feel like I am married to an asshole, and I do not want to be married to an asshole.” I mentioned a few instances that I felt were especially “asshole-ish,” and his response to my pronouncement was, “I’m sorry that you think I’m an asshole.” We got nowhere. After that I kept silent.

Six years passed and we moved to Boston. I had discovered yoga, had a personal transformation and began to find my voice again. I began to see that though he was my husband, he was not The One, I was. I saw that I was the one needing to find the light inside of me. Only I could cultivate that feeling of love and acceptance, and it came from deep within. I founded an organization that helps women in crisis see their value, their worth and their light.

Eventually the things he said to me had less punch and I chose not to let them hurt me. When someone hands you a fork, you decide if you want to put it to use, toss it aside, or poke yourself in the eye with it. And so it was with the criticism, belittling and sarcasm that my husband sent my way. I simply did not make use of them as I once had.

He did not approve. I did not care.

Seventeen years after I had met this man I made a shocking discovery. For all of these years, this man had been telling me that I was the love of his life, that I was The One and that he didn’t know what he would do without me. I had felt 100% responsible for his happiness. I felt that if I left I would be the most cold-hearted person alive. I would be destroying another person’s life. Yet for the entirety of our  marriage, all of the years that I believed that this man was so much better than me, he had been living a double life. For real. To speak of the details of this would be giving it energy that I just don’t feel it deserves. It is enough to say that when I retell the story to people, they usually respond with comments such as, “Your life sounds like a Jerry Springer Show!” And yes, it does. It has also taught me some incredibly powerful and beautiful lessons:

1. Trust your intuition:

My intuition was speaking loud and clear in that first year when I felt something that just wasn’t right. My head, my ego and my insecurities allowed me to doubt that intuitive voice, all because I didn’t want to lose The One.

2. Your choices in life will reinforce what you believe about yourself:

Though I was not aware of it, somewhere in my deep subconscious I believed that I was desperately flawed. Being with my husband helped me reinforce this belief. I chose to stay. It doesn’t mean the way he behaved throughout our marriage was okay, but if I did not on some level have a false belief about myself, I would not have stayed.

3. The One lives inside of you:

There is no Prince Charming, no winning the lottery or magic bullet. Life is a process and experience of joyful times and challenging times. When you have found The One deep inside of you, your ability to navigate through all of these times with grace, acceptance and continuous learning happens naturally. You experience a freedom and a love that you may have never thought possible.

So on this Valentine’s Day I will be telling The One that lives deep inside of me how much I love and appreciate her. Without her, my life would be empty.

Relephant:

Maitri! Learn it, love it, do it:


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About Suzanne Jones

Sue Jones, Founder and Executive Director of yogaHope has practiced yoga for over 15 years and is a leading voice in the subject of mind body practices for self regulation and personal empowerment. For the last six years Sue has trained, inspired and lead hundreds of volunteer yoga teachers who have donated their time in substance abuse rehabilitation centers, domestic abuse safe houses and homeless shelters for women. She dedicates much of her time to researching the effects of yoga and mindfulness practices on survivors of trauma and those suffering from traumatic stress response. Sue’s life and work have been profiled in Yoga Journal, The New York Times, Shape Magazine, Body + Soul Magazine, Martha Stewart Whole Living Magazine and on CNN Headline News.

Comments

97 Responses to “How to Find the One.”

  1. […] here’s the thing: everyone spends so much time looking for “the one” that they forget the one thing that needs to happen before he or she can find “the […]

  2. cis says:

    What a beautiful piece of writing with sound advice at the end. I believe you because you have been there and the organization you started sounds FABULOUS. I'm sorry for the pain you have gone through but not for the places it has brought you and what you allowed it to teach you. Thank you!

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  4. Poppy says:

    oh, perfect timing. thank you.

  5. DanielleDD says:

    I agree with the posters above who have commented on the one-sidedness of this piece. This is someone you spent many, many years with and with whom you had children. The put downs and sarcasm as described are somewhat vague – hardly the material for Jerry Springer. You travelled the world to where you wanted to go, and gosh, he even gave up football for you! It sounds to me that in some respects you were getting off on the relationship: the handsome man who was willing to go wherever you wanted to, and stay at home to raise the kids. I have no doubt that this piece is honest for you, albeit the learning is likely in the why you stayed. I am speaking from experience, having had a similar relationship that lasted a few months rather than so many years. I took a good hard look at myself after this one ended, and realized that I was enjoying the power I felt over this man I was with. It wasn't pretty but I think I grew from the experience.

  6. bluebeadpublications says:

    I had a nightmare ex-boyfriend. He always told me I wasn't listening when I challenged his logic. The end came the day I saw him playing basketball near my condo with three 5th graders. He came home and I just knew they had taken his basketball. I asked him and he confirmed. In the next breathe he asked me to buy him a new one. It became clear in that moment I was dealing with a child and sent him packing.

  7. Thank you for this, Sue. I’m somewhere, somehow, in a similar scenario. Thank you for articulating your heart, for narrating your journey thru it.

  8. Ashley says:

    Thank you. I am still healing. Thankfully mine was only a couple of years, but the damage caused has taken longer than that to fully heal. I am slowly becoming my own perfect princess and I am learning to spoil myself and bring honor to my soul. 🙂

  9. Bonanza says:

    Oh my. Like other posters, if I changed a few details I could have been reading about myself. I was only just saying to a friend this morning "I should have trusted my intuition in the beginning", the voice that said "Something is not right. He is not the right one for you." But, like many women out of touch with their "Inner One", I told myself it was just fear of getting close to someone again, fear of getting hurt, fear of remaining alone. Sigh. Another lesson learned. Let the healing begin.

    And thank you for sharing your light.

  10. I am not crazy. I am in a point in my life… where i have to make the leap but all of those false beliefs held me back… and now I am so relieved to have proof from some one I don't even know, of what I see and have realized. I can move on and go on my journey to greatness with ought feeling guilty or that I have been missing anything really. A huge relief… further proof that there is not as ingle thought, emotion, drop of effort and happy moment to waste. (n_n)

  11. Have you ever noticed when people call you selfish, it is because you are not doing what THEY want you to do?
    Telling you you lack compassion is not a very compassionate statement . So in both cases, we could safely presume they were projections.
    Sue as a psychotherapist, I have come to learn there is a special type of Narcassim that often escapes even the most professionally trained eye. It is the "Service Oriented Narcissist." Their brand of manipulation is giving you the moon in exchange for your loyalty. They are quick to remind you why you should be blessed to have them, but rarely point out the qualities in us that they feel blessed to have in their lives.
    Actually a primary mental health diagnosis in these cases could be Dependent Personality Disorder, stemming from a very high level of anxiety. .
    If a person "gives you the moon" and you still don't feel good inside, chances are the moon is just another golden handcuff – another tool in their manipulative tool box to get what they need from you.

  12. brent says:

    If you have never known an addict or never been cheated on you may be a little confused by the article. It kind of jumps out at those of us that have. The addict/cheater becomes very accomplished at throwing the person off the trail by accusing them of being the problem. Metaphorically, she was stumbling around in a dark room all those years being constantly told the light was on and the problem must be that she wasn't trying hard enough to open her eyes. You can't imagine how crazy it can drive you (if you haven't been there your REALLY don't get it). The breakthrough here wasn't "loving yourself is all that matters"; it was "believe in yourself and your divinity" and only when she did that was the truth discovered. One ignorance was vanquished, she was able to find her way out of suffering and make it possible for her ex-husband to stop living his 'double life'. This was love, respect, and compassion in it's truest sense for all parties involved.

  13. David says:

    I agree with the essay. It still isn't easy – and I sometimes wonder what chance anyone has of happiness with another person – even if one is aware of the philosophy / approach here. Who is the 'I' who asks 'who am I'? And who is the other – whether it is the 'One' or not.

  14. sue says:

    Tamyra,
    Thank you so much for validating me. I appreciate it very much.

    Sue

  15. sue says:

    Brent,
    This is so perfectly expressed. It absolutely was a matter of believing in myself and my divinity, and opening my eyes. I still have to see my ex (we have children) and interact with him, but the things he says to me don't have a completely different effect. Instead of seeing them as the truth about me, I see them as an indication of the pain that he is still in. It took 5 and a half years and a lot of work.

    Sue

  16. Ken says:

    "You abuse your marriage to expect it to 'make you happy'. A pet dog is a wonderful thing, but it is poor transportation to ride it to work every day."
    The the therapist concluded the session with me – "It's only a marriage. It isn't your life." That was one of the clearest and most useful statements to come my way in months of individual and couple's therapy.

  17. nifflersghost says:

    I always love the insights you harvest from a broken relationship. I am trying to do the same thing — if something grows from that scorched earth, something new, it was all worthwhile.

  18. Alexa says:

    Thank you thank you thank you for this piece!!! It hit home. <3

  19. Harbinger says:

    Hi Sue,
    I admire your courage in writing this article. Thank you very much for writing it. I just recently got out of a similar situation, I was involved for four years. I do admire your ability to not give what happened to you more energy, and I hope to get there soon. I found trying to understand his motivation has helped me. I am not sure if your ex-husband was a psychopath (or just a garden variety philanderer), but this web-site http://www.lovefraud.com/ and 'Without a Conscience' by Robery Hare has helped me understand what happened and how to prevent it from happening to me again.
    Once again, thank you

  20. mrchokeys says:

    In the category of "careful what you wish for," you may even find you soul mate, potentially the worst thing that can happen to you. Good Story!

  21. Lou says:

    thank you. am feeling similarly pretty early on too. i need to listen! thanks xx

  22. Fiona Grogan says:

    Beautiful article and so eloquently articulated……. an invitation for self reflection as it resonated deeply……….. Attributing the title "the one" to someone else negates any self-responsibility and is a projection of responsibility onto the "other" to fit into the role and definitions of how intimate partners "should" be. It implies a separateness a "needyness" and is objectifying, compounding self-limiting beliefs………which are all the "heavy", "cold" stone building blocks of an arid, dry and toxic "somethingness" However when we are at one with self, we transmute an energy, an extension of self as an invitation to co-create a fecund, lush,landscape of togetherness through love…………………………………………..

  23. Elien says:

    Thank you, Sue, for this article. I just came out of a very similar relationship and it reminded me of everything I learned last year, and reinforced it, which is just what I needed. I wanna frame the three lessons and hang them on the wall to remember me to never ignore my intuition again and to always believe in myself. To Brent: Your comment nailed it!

  24. I totally get it. As I was reading your story Suzanne, I relived one of my own. It wasn’t as long as yours but it happened.

    Much love to you.

  25. barismumyakmaz says:

    Beautiful and very insightful. Wish I read it 10 years ago.

  26. Justin says:

    Sue, this is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.

  27. beth says:

    thanks so much for this read, it really spoke to me. sorry for that crazy person writing all those comments- i think your article is very well spoken, and it can be such a vulnerable situation to share your story. so again thank you. love and light.

  28. Lady Lorelie says:

    I feel like you've very elegantly expressed the same lessons I have learned. Navigating the boundaries of their happiness and my own was very tricky. Looking back, I see how my self esteem and self worth slowly dissipates as I bowed to his dragon in the name of love and compromise. I learned forgiveness and certainly learned to love and honor myself first. Thanks for this article.

  29. ladyhawk87 says:

    I feel like i learnt a valuable lesson just about now.

  30. Shirley says:

    Beautifully said. I can totally relate.

  31. Xochi says:

    He was GAY, a no brainer, I've been there too. Thankfully, you finally escaped.

  32. Stef says:

    This is perfect. Thank you Sue.

  33. Johnk692 says:

    Thanks a bunch for sharing this with all of us you actually realize what you’re talking approximately! Bookmarked. Kindly also visit my web site . We will have a hyperlink exchange arrangement among us! keekekcfdake

  34. Tom says:

    Thanks so much for writing this, best article I've read on here. I had a very intense, short term relationship with someone that was similar in emotions and experience to this. It's great to read of someone else's experience and perspective, and makes me not feel alone.

  35. Mark Lee says:

    Sorry that’s a bit of a pointless article in my humble opinion. ‘The one’ is probably defined as someone who understands the real value of relationships, respect, honesty, truth, communication. Sounds like he clearly wasn’t ‘the one’ but that doesn’t mean ‘the one’ doesn’t exist. Depends on your perspective of course. But that’s mine.

  36. Paul says:

    I love you.

  37. hayati says:

    thank you for sharing this, i dated an older guy who points out all my flaws, he is trying to change me while im there being obedient to whatever he said, it is sad to hear that from the one u most look your days through but for my recovery i manage well, thank u again reading your post i feel touched and related

  38. karen says:

    If I didn't know better, I would think *I* wrote this. It is exactly my story as well.

  39. Annonymous says:

    Simply…thank you…for bearing your soul and for shining an often misguided light.

  40. Lotus says:

    Thank you Suzanne. What you've shared in this article is transcendent. I really needed to read this and thank you so much for putting your story, heartache, and hard won lessons out for others to understand the complexities of manipulative relationships that force a higher self awareness in the most painful of ways. I'm so happy you attained enlightenment in such a devastating situation, because most people would let the fear trap and bind them to the tortuous situation and allow themselves to die inside. You attained priceless knowledge and are choosing to share it with the rest of us. I needed it, because every little bit helps… so thank you. 🙂

  41. Lan4 says:

    Thank you so much. Ditto from all the comments above.

  42. bewilderness says:

    Sounds like you married a narcissist. They'll eat your soul if you're not careful.

  43. MJ Smith says:

    Thank you for this. I can most definitely relate.

  44. lia says:

    the beauty of you is in this story!

  45. Natalie says:

    Hello Sue,

    I just want to make sure, you guys eventually ended the marriage, correct?

    Thank you,

  46. Sue says:

    Hi Natalie,
    Yes we did, and had six years of bitterness and hostility between the two of us. We have now redefined our relationship so that we can parent our children together with our respective partners and our family is beginning to heal after many years of pain and struggle. Thank you.
    Sue

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