April 1, 2011

3 Anti-Aging Breakthroughs in Your Own Backyard. {April Fools’ edition}

I still haven’t recovered from turning 46—so you can imagine how excited I was to learn new ways to turn back the clocks that cost little to no money.

photo: flickr.com | developing dreams

Russian American scientist Yuri Alghov discovered these unlikely anti-aging components after months of studying organic matter to cure chronic migraines.

His wife Rosa, a peri-menopausal opera singer who suffered from migraines since her teens, was a willing guinea pig.

“Her migraines were interfering with her singing—she had to cancel at least one performance a month. She was willing to try anything. And being regular would be an added bonus, likely reducing her mood swings.”

After a year of experimenting on his wife, Yuri was able to procure a $100,000 grant to expand his research to a test group of 100 females and follow the effects over a 5-year period. During this time, he has faced numerous lawsuits challenging his methodology since his research had the unintended results of slowing down the aging process.  Pharmaceutical and beauty industries, which have come to rely on the $88 billion-a-year (and growing) anti-aging business, are behind the lawsuits.

Photo: flickr.com | goosmurf
  1. Soil. Yes, soil. Its unique blend of nitrogen and carbon are thought to penetrate cells and slow down their metabolizing proteins. While soil with at least 5 earthworms per square foot and/or found beneath a pile of scat has proven most effective, any garden variety dirt will do but avoid if chemically treated. Add a tablespoon to your smoothie or sprinkle it on a salad. I tried this for a week and the fine lines in my skin virtually disappeared and the whites of my eyes brightened dramatically. Photo: flickr.com | Florida Wild Life
  2. Centipedes. This one grossed me out, but I’m willing to try anything. “The speed of this insect totally contradicts the idea of slowing down the aging process, but the impressive athropod’s venom glands contain a unique enzyme that, when isolated, can have the same benefits as resveratrol found in grapes and red wine.” Since centipedes are mostly nocturnal, according to Yuri, you’ll have better luck digging them up during the day when they’re a bit sluggish. (Important note: some species bite and can be harmful to young children). Yuri suggests hitting the pests with a rubber mallot quickly before cleaning thoroughly with organic dish or hand soap. “One centipede a day is enough, but three is most effective,” he claims. I found them to have a similar texture to calamari when sauteed, but prefer to toss them into a smoothie so I don’t have to look at all the legs. The drawback: I can’t even kill a fly and relocate all insects found in my home to the great outdoors (weather permitting). So… my husband was in charge of the rubber mallot which he assured me was used precisely to ensure immediate, painless death. Photo: flickr.com | dimus62
  3. Carpenter ants. The most convenient of the anti-aging breakthroughs since they can be found inside or outside of the home, carpenter ants seemed the most unlikely. The discovery of its benefits was completely by accident. “We had an infestation and I decided to take advantage of it,” Yuri said. “They nest in moist wood, including rotting trees, tree roots, tree stumps and logs buried in the ground so can be found easily even if you don’t happen to have an infestation.” With benefits similar to the centipede, crushed carpenter ants also make an excellent exfoliant. See #2 for drawback.

When all three are combined, migraines were found to decrease by 25%. Severe sufferers, including Yuri’s wife, showed no sign of improvement. “She looks younger so I’m not really concerned about her migraines,” he said. She was unavailable for comment.

For more information, visit YuriAlghovScience.com.

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