July 19, 2011

Whirling Like a Dervish.

Fear courses through my veins to my heart

The beast came out of nowhere

It wants to swallow me up alive

From the inside out.

There is nowhere out of the confused darkness

I remember the fear well

It is everywhere.

The planet is being consumed

Light swirling with muddy waters

The passion and joy obscured.

My heart yearns, aches for the light that sits a moment away

Through the veils of illusory fear.

But wait, I see a crack of light

Through the old worn out door

I reach out and touch the warm, glowing sliver

That spreads its particles across my fingers and hands

Penetrating through the walls of epithelium

Coursing through my veins to my heart.

I am alive with light that birthed me through love.

These days the swirl of life, also known as chaos is prolific. The moment I enter my thought, I step into utter confusion. On the one hand it can be mighty frightening to my little mind to consider the end of a relationship, my service to other’s as I know it, and having no solid place I call “home”. On the other hand, I am excited with the surrender to my inevitable evolution. As I stand in the center, my focal point, my heart transforms each moment through a plethora of feelings from melancholy, sadness, grief and loss into the serene and gratitude for all that is.

How do I navigate through these tumultuous, chaotic times? With my breath. With my heart. With faith and trust in life itself. And knowing I am not alone. We are all connected in this great performance of a lifetime. It’s stunning how we support each other to perform so magnificently.

Have you ever noticed how those closest to you bring out the most reactions? I love the quote from Ram Dass, “If you think you are enlightened, go spend a few days with your family”. They certainly stir the pot. To me they stir the pot that allows the residues to come to the surface for the purpose of refining. Like the way you make ghee. Turn up the fire so the impurities rise. Those beloved button pushers play their part so well. And I thank you all. For without you, how could I truly see my self. Like the other day, I was driving with my “tentative boyfriend”. One of my biggest pet peeves is his reckless driving. At one point, he was about 5 ft. from another car on the highway. I was scared shitless. Then he reacted to my being scared and yelled, ”F__k it Grace. You drive. “ Instead of having compassion for my fear, his offended ego just got defensive, making me wrong for my fear. I just wanted him to give me hug, reassure me and be willing to stay at least 10 ft. from another vehicle.

I had a choice in that moment as did he. Do we believe our story? Do we fight about who is right or wrong? In the swirl of emotion and reaction, what’s to do?

As choices arise…how do I decide? My mind does not know. It’s my gut that I must rely on. As I breathe and feel the choices bubbling up, my mind thinks, “What the heck are you doing? You can’t do that. You won’t survive” But my heart and faith wins. I surrender to my integrity. Even though it doesn’t make sense. And then the magic happens. Life flows with no resistance and restrictions. Alignment is the result of integrity meeting intention. Living from my truth is living with integrity. Even though I don’t know what will happen from my choices, I step out with no control and dive in the swirl with my heart ever present.

Standing in presence, I respond. The response of my gut as my mind cannot comprehend the paradigm that my heart and consciousness live in. Each morning I wake up to a new day of complete unknowns. Well, isn’t this really how life is rather than the illusory belief that I actually have a clue? Ha!

Well-done life.

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