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August 1, 2011

18 Nouveau Food Rulz. What’s your favorite?

Nouveau Food Rulz

  1. Avoid food that has been patented or is the registered trademark of a food processor or genetic engineering firm—KumatoR. The Kumato is the registered trademark of Swiss bio-engineering conglomerate Syngenta and sold at Whole Foods. Yes, Whole Foods sells GMO/GE foods, but why label technology-based food as such?
  2. Avoid food where a Z replaces an S—Cheez WhizR
  3. Avoid food where an X replaces a CK—Veggie StixR
  4. Avoid food developed by food scientists—Cheez WhizR
  5. Avoid food that has traveled on a truck to get to your table; it will taste like eighteen wheels. Food in season does not need to be transported via cargo ships, planes or trucks. While the USDA insists the food pyramid is now a  plate, the Nouveau Food Rulz suggest using a harvest calendar.
  6. Avoid food where the primary food you are eating—popcorn for example—is the fourth ingredient. The popcorn is rendered a mere delivery mechanism for preservatives and other natural ingredients. Smart Food Popcorn Clusters Cranberry Almond contains Brown Rice Syrup, Chicory Root, Almonds, Popcorn, Sugar…. You get the idea: avoid the product delivery device.
  7. Smart foods are stupid. Avoid food that uses the word Smart in the product name:
    • Smart Food is Frito Lay!
    • Smart Dogs
    • Seriously Jennifer? Smart Water
  8. Avoid food that uses the word Smart in the product name and then releases a healthy second SKU (stock keeping unit) that boasts lower fat.  Popcorn has no fat, is there consumer demand for low fat Smart Food?
  9. Avoid foods that have been reduced to a carcinogen delivery form. Avoid Smart Dogs and pretty much anything that contains Soy Protein Isolate. Yes, even companies marketing to vegans and vegetarians process foods like tofu and render them toxic junk food.
  10. Avoid liquids/foods where we take a non-renewable resource, like oil, and use it to contain a natural resource, like water, and then fly it around the world on a cargo plane.
  11. Never eat food from a can. Aluminum cans have a wonderful BPA lining to prevent the aluminum from rusting. Buy fresh, can your own fresh food in glass jars and rehydrate dried food with a pressure cooker. Store your food in glass jars and avoid the wonderful leaching of chemicals into your food.
  12. Never order a pizza that does not fit through your front door. (Cosmo offers a 24” pizza, with box it barely fits through a 30” doorway. Great for your 40” waist).
  13. Avoid food with more than three syllables, they are usually preservatives (four syllables), additives and coloring agents.
  14. Avoid trendy foods. The general business plan of manufactured food companies is to put more calories in your body. Since population growth is minimal, corporations are pushing more calories into your frame.  In 1992, Nabisco introduced a brand line of zero-fat cookies, SnackWells; remember the zero fat craze? Today companies are pushing gluten-free. Imagine if you will: McDonalds French fries are gluten free! The vicious cycle starts here—eat unhealthy <insert free health claim—fat, gluten> and wake up obese. See your doctor and receive a prescription for diet, exercise and drugs.
  15. Avoid “use once and throw away” packaging. If you must eat packaged foods, insist that the manufacturer uses home-compostable wrappers.
  16. Minimize or eliminate major greenhouse emitters—vegetarians, this includes cheese—from your diet.
  17. Chimps make healthier choices than college educated Americans. Jane Goodall’s chimps select organic produce in their diet before conventional. Chimps avoid eating non-organic foods.
  18. A practical example EnviroKidzR violates six rules in a single box:
    1. Rule 1—Z instead of an S
    2. Rule 3—created by food scientists at Nature’s Path
    3. Rule 4—has a registered trademark in the name
    4. Rule 5—the cereal is imported from Canada
    5. Rule 14—they are gluten free
    6. Introducing, Rule 18—“avoid food whose shelf life is greater than a growing season”

Name your favorite Nouveau Food Rulz.

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J

J is an author, artist and designer.