18 Nouveau Food Rulz. What’s your favorite?

Via Jeffrey Woodruff
on Aug 1, 2011
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Nouveau Food Rulz

  1. Avoid food that has been patented or is the registered trademark of a food processor or genetic engineering firm—KumatoR. The Kumato is the registered trademark of Swiss bio-engineering conglomerate Syngenta and sold at Whole Foods. Yes, Whole Foods sells GMO/GE foods, but why label technology-based food as such?
  2. Avoid food where a Z replaces an S—Cheez WhizR
  3. Avoid food where an X replaces a CK—Veggie StixR
  4. Avoid food developed by food scientists—Cheez WhizR
  5. Avoid food that has traveled on a truck to get to your table; it will taste like eighteen wheels. Food in season does not need to be transported via cargo ships, planes or trucks. While the USDA insists the food pyramid is now a  plate, the Nouveau Food Rulz suggest using a harvest calendar.Eat According to the Calendar
  6. Avoid food where the primary food you are eating—popcorn for example—is the fourth ingredient. The popcorn is rendered a mere delivery mechanism for preservatives and other natural ingredients. Smart Food Popcorn Clusters Cranberry Almond contains Brown Rice Syrup, Chicory Root, Almonds, Popcorn, Sugar…. You get the idea: avoid the product delivery device.
  7. Smart foods are stupid. Avoid food that uses the word Smart in the product name:
    • Smart Food is Frito Lay!
    • Smart Dogs
    • Seriously Jennifer? Smart Water
  8. Avoid food that uses the word Smart in the product name and then releases a healthy second SKU (stock keeping unit) that boasts lower fat.  Popcorn has no fat, is there consumer demand for low fat Smart Food?
  9. Avoid foods that have been reduced to a carcinogen delivery form. Avoid Smart Dogs and pretty much anything that contains Soy Protein Isolate. Yes, even companies marketing to vegans and vegetarians process foods like tofu and render them toxic junk food.
  10. Avoid liquids/foods where we take a non-renewable resource, like oil, and use it to contain a natural resource, like water, and then fly it around the world on a cargo plane.
  11. Never eat food from a can. Aluminum cans have a wonderful BPA lining to prevent the aluminum from rusting. Buy fresh, can your own fresh food in glass jars and rehydrate dried food with a pressure cooker. Store your food in glass jars and avoid the wonderful leaching of chemicals into your food.
  12. Never order a pizza that does not fit through your front door. (Cosmo offers a 24” pizza, with box it barely fits through a 30” doorway. Great for your 40” waist).
  13. Avoid food with more than three syllables, they are usually preservatives (four syllables), additives and coloring agents.
  14. Avoid trendy foods. The general business plan of manufactured food companies is to put more calories in your body. Since population growth is minimal, corporations are pushing more calories into your frame.  In 1992, Nabisco introduced a brand line of zero-fat cookies, SnackWells; remember the zero fat craze? Today companies are pushing gluten-free. Imagine if you will: McDonalds French fries are gluten free! The vicious cycle starts here—eat unhealthy <insert free health claim—fat, gluten> and wake up obese. See your doctor and receive a prescription for diet, exercise and drugs.
  15. Avoid “use once and throw away” packaging. If you must eat packaged foods, insist that the manufacturer uses home-compostable wrappers.
  16. Minimize or eliminate major greenhouse emitters—vegetarians, this includes cheese—from your diet.
  17. Chimps make healthier choices than college educated Americans. Jane Goodall’s chimps select organic produce in their diet before conventional. Chimps avoid eating non-organic foods.
  18. A practical example EnviroKidzR violates six rules in a single box:
    1. Rule 1—Z instead of an S
    2. Rule 3—created by food scientists at Nature’s Path
    3. Rule 4—has a registered trademark in the name
    4. Rule 5—the cereal is imported from Canada
    5. Rule 14—they are gluten free
    6. Introducing, Rule 18—“avoid food whose shelf life is greater than a growing season”Jennifer care to endorse Smart Kidz?

Name your favorite Nouveau Food Rulz.

Bulk food, no trademarks


About Jeffrey Woodruff

Jeffrey is a competitive cross country skier and marathon runner. He has completed sixteen marathons in six countries. Jeffrey recently received his Master of Architecture at the University of Colorado Denver.


31 Responses to “18 Nouveau Food Rulz. What’s your favorite?”

  1. Gillian says:

    food ingredients should fit on a twitter post? 🙂

  2. Sasha says:

    Fantastic! Thanks for breaking it down!

  3. Fine article. “Their” should be “there.”

  4. mike says:

    Try having two small kids, two full time jobs, and two parents in master's programs. I agree with most of your rules. However, in my life, many of them are impractical if not impossible. And the chimp reference is insulting. It doesn't take a smarty pants from Boulder to figure out that chimps lead a much different life than humans.

  5. Jeffrey says:

    the references on the food preferences of primates and other mammals comes directly from Jane Goodall and her book the "Harvest for Hope". Her point, is in the wild price does not matter and her subjects prefer organic. Unfortunately price is how we shop.
    One answer may be simply to eat less, but eat organic. It is better for the environment and our bodies.
    Thank you for note and feedback.

  6. bea says:

    Mine are: get veggies from the farm down the street (freeze some for winter), get beef from cows you can visit (and watch their progress on Facebook), get eggs from the farm with the honor stand down the street, get pork from the pig farm you can visit (and see on Facebook).

    Don't worry too much about the rest!

  7. I completely disagree. I have two small kids (5&7.) Work for myself. Go to school. And until a recent birthday party…neither had ever eaten at McDonalds. It is rare that more than one meal a week is in a restaurant. And actually – except for the occasional organic canned beans, I think the food we eat fits most of the "rules." (I do eat gluten free due to celiac…but very few prepackaged "gluten free" products.) It is doable. It is completely doable to put some brown rice in a pot, put some fresh veggies in my cast iron skillet, and have a fantastic dinner ready in less than 1/2 hr.

    I feel like people use the "no time" excuse when they don't want to do something.. .http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/07/theres-no-time-for-anythingor-is-there/

    But what you are really saying is, it's not a priority. Which is fine. Just own it. You can always find time for what matters to you.

  8. annieory says:


  9. annieory says:

    You are very wise.

  10. Citizen X says:

    I want to start my comment by saying I love and respect Mr. Woodruff. However, articles like this shame people into a lifestyle that I am not certain has been proven to be the best solution for overall health. Furthermore, for those of us who cannot afford to follow these rules, or think that Whole Foods and their ilk are a a load of 'BS,' I argue that there is a fine line between eating organic and eating healthily… for those of you that pay attention you will remember last year Munson Farms was found to be using pesticides. Simply because you have the money and will to buy all organic does not a better person make. Next time you concern yourself with the question, ' Am I making the best health decisions for my family or for myself?' Remember that there are those who go without….not because there isn't enough food, but because people are more concerned with labels than others.

  11. Sisley says:

    Annie, you Gemini Cricketed the heck out of that one. Wonderful-

  12. Bill Turner says:

    Awwww….damn, so that means Velveeta is right out, eh? I still recall the time in the grocery store when I was cruising the dairy aisle — you know, the one with the big refrigerated cases to keep all the dairy products from spoiling? Then I noticed, on an ordinary shelf *next to* the dairy cases, a big display of Velveeta. Huh. Velveeta. Supposed to be “cheese.” Requires no refrigeration. Hmmm… how can that be?

  13. heidi says:

    Judge much?

  14. mike says:

    Yea, what I got from this is "I'm awesome you suck, judge judge judge, bla bla bla."

  15. citizen of the world says:

    scientifically, buying meat from your farmer down the street is much, much more inefficient than buy from the big, corporate farmers of america, simply because they use more energy per pound of meat and create more greenhouse gases. now, if you want to protect the animals feelings and make sure they live good lives before the slaughter, then the local ones are much better, but you must choose….animals feelings or the environment…..

    also, anyone else confused by all the smutty images on this website??? i just stumbled upon here and it seems that the creator is a self-righteous, self-promoter, trying to make as much money as he can…

  16. mike says:

    Thanks for the measured, reasonable response. I appreciate it. Again, I agree with most of what you wrote. I'm pretty sure my wife agrees with all of it!

  17. mike says:

    I completely agree with this response. I love the baby kitten reference!

  18. cara says:

    Unfortunately, for me, yes Velveeta is off the menu. I have such fond memories of the lush fake cheese. As a kid my mom would make a Velveeta sandwich with mayo and then put a layer of Ruffles potato chips on it and a glass of milk. It was like heaven. If I ate it now my body would go into shock but the memories of that taste will be with me forever. Just like the nacho bell grande at taco bell. Once I hit 26 my body was like, I don't think so…. Mmmm cheese.. now I just hold it near me and give it a good smell :)))

  19. annieory says:

    Just because you write it here doesn't make it true.

    If you don't like smut you DON'T want to hang out in the same places I do so, later dude.

  20. <3 You are amazing

  21. Louise Brooks says:

    Wow, Annie. Anger management classes, perhaps?? You've got a lot to get off of your chest.

  22. Louise Brooks says:

    Annie you admit you live in California. That answers much of why you can shop and eat the way you do. Please don't universalize your experience. Up here in "the Great White North", in my region of Canada we can grow certain foods only. If I was further north, like some of my Inuit friends, only meat and other game are available locally (hunted) and a few berries in the summer (1 month long). Therefore, all vegetables, fruits and grains must be flown in. This is reality and nothing wrong with it.
    Also, this essay by Jeffery Woodruff is erroneous in its claim that locally grown is more eco-friendly than food flown in.

  23. Louise Brooks says:

    Annieory: you didn't read my post carefully. In the High Arctic, where many of my Inuit friends live there is NO growing of vegetables and fruits. You need a geography lesson. Anything other than fresh caught fish, seal, caribou, etc. must be flown in (and only during a brief time when the ice melts enough for a plane to land). In other words, your idea that anyone can be a locavore is wrong.
    And no, I do not "feel bad". You are projecting onto what you read.

  24. Louise Brooks says:

    Again, wow, Annieory. Some day when you are feeling quite calm and centered, re-visit this blog and try to see the comments section as objectively as possible ( I know, it is difficult for any of to be objective). Notice how long your comments are in comparison to others. Notice how you go on and on and on about one single thing. Notice the "tone" of your comments. Notice your responses to others responses to you.

    I dearly hope you will see the anger that is so clearly there to me and others that try to read through your posts. After I read one of your posts I feel like I've been shouted and lectured at, much like if you were in the room. And know, that is not seeing what does not exist, as you say. It is just plainly obvious that a person who must go and on about one single topic is trying way to hard to get his/her point across. This comes from frustration, impatience, and yes anger. Why is for you to figure out on your own.

  25. citizen of the world says:

    i thought this website was for open minded people who wanted to change the world?

    why so angry?

    and if you do some research, instead of just reading what the media machine feeds you, you would learn something

    open you mind, relax your heart

  26. troll says:

    open comment to annieory:

    after viewing several of you posts, i have noticed that you are a self-appointed "truth sayer." while that may be well and fine for you, your reasons for doing it dont add up. you kind of emulate the reasons the united states is broke and in a downward spiral…you take things for your own life and apply them to everyone else. your values are not my values, just like america's values are not china's values. you need to step off you pulpit and figure out why you are so unhappy with yourself.

  27. TMR says:

    I thought this was great, but I was puzzled about something. If you're telling people to avoid products that use the letter "z" to replace the letter "s," why call your system the Nouveau Food "Rulz?" What's wrong with "Rules?"

  28. […] chips, things that aren’t 100 % vegan – all sorts of weird things are happening to my diet and it’s freaking me out! I even tried to start eating fish a few months ago, figured it’s […]

  29. […] to a dinner gathering at a newish friend’s house. He asked what he should make (knowing I have some rules) and I replied, make whatever’s easy and fun–I’ll bring something I can eat in a […]

  30. Bevo says:

    food ingredients should be found in nature, not manufactured by chemical (food?) companies

  31. […] wouldn’t take cooking advice from someone eating processed fast food and I wouldn’t take advice on writing from a writer I don’t like to read—no matter […]