Are Teachers Walking Their Talk? Nope.

Via Jayson Gaddis
on Sep 2, 2011
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In my last post (part 1 of this series), we explored how relationship appears to be the under-addressed area of spiritual work.

We hit a few bullet points on why this is the case.

Today is about bullet point number two.

Teachers of high-level teachings have not walked their talk. They talk a big game but don’t walk it in relationship.

Rather than bypass, let’s keep acknowledging our limitations in relationship and where they come from.

My theory:

Our parents, teachers, and guides (the Big People) have misled us about relationship thus we infantalize ourselves.


If we start at the very beginning and we ask, “Where did I learn how to do relationship?” The most common answer will be our family.

Our family of origin, however healthy or broken, has taught us the most about relationship. Then our next biggest influencers will likely be the media, churches, sports teams and other organizations, and of course schools.

Growing up, the big people decided to hide aspects of themselves from us.


Probably because they wanted to be a “good” influence on us or teach us the “right” way. They also wanted us to like them. This is no surprise for 2 reasons.

1. To some degree it’s appropriate to hide some of us from little children.

2. In our culture we are taught to “put our best foot forward” thus hiding our flaws and insecurities to climb the latter, and to be accepted, liked, and included.

This attitude is fine for trying to get a job or elected to your local civic organization, but when it comes to real relationships, this approach keeps us perpetually young. Even in middle school, when this is the norm, it’s not necessary.

But with their best intentions, the Big People started to hide more of themselves from us. They hid their issues and challenges from us over and over. The more they hid, the harder it became for them to reveal.

On one level, it makes sense for adults to hide their boozing, marijuana use, porn addiction, affairs, etc from their kids. But at a certain point, even parents get to be themselves and let their guard down. After all, if I really want to teach my kids about being authentic, open, and honest, then I better walk that talk and be completely myself.

When we hide our issues we perpetuate the notion that we need to be someone other than we are. Through our behavior alone, we teach kids to put on a mask to fit in and be liked. Adults in a position of power and influence over kids do the same. They often hide who they really are.

Of course teenagers sniff out this incongruency which is why they are so pissed off at authority. We adults often don’t walk our talk.

Bottom line? Everyone gets caught together in the trap of an unrealistic and untruthful relationship.

I’m sure you have heard of, or even personally known, a teacher, therapist, healer, or guide who has screwed someone over in relationship. A few examples include the more superficial spiritual materialism of James Arthur Ray, the latest news of Genpo Roshi, or perhaps the local therapist in your town who slept with his or her client. On a more mundane level (but equally hurtful) a parent hiding their addiction or affair.

When it finally comes out that the all-mighty Big Person has offended, people are shocked, as if these luminaries are above neurosis and everyday human desires.

But it’s really no surprise. (yawn)

It’s going on everywhere. Count on it. Having affairs and and hiding it. Blatantly lying. Teaching you about being happy but going home to fear, isolation, and depression. Teaching you about God and Jesus and behind closed doors, sexually abusing boys. Coaching you toward “success” but going home to a porn addiction.

We keep putting teachers on pedestals, but the reality is that so many of our teachers, mentors, and guides are not superhuman nor have they been truthful. Their words have not matched their actions. They don’t walk their talk. And the pressure for the Big People to be a superhuman being is enormous (It would be quite different if they just had their affairs and talked openly about it, right?).

Let’s also assume that most of you have had a teacher, mentor or guide give you great insights about whatever you’ve been studying, which is usually yourself. But if you are honest, that same person had loads of issues and didn’t reveal them to us. They did their work in a vaccum behind close doors so as not to make us distrust or uncomfortable. How thoughtful of them right?

But of course, this perpetuates the fantasy. The fantasy that there is a place, high on the mountain top or throne, free from neurosis and suffering in relationship. The fantasy that because we do this work (in whatever form) we don’t, or won’t, have issues.

We all hide the same way.

So, what if we just simply told the truth about ourselves and our relationship challenges? What if we asked more of our peers, teachers, and mentors? What if we became the teacher and talked about what a real relationship looks like?

Lastly, rather than keep projecting perfection onto our teachers, let’s let go of the longing for them to be perfect and call their humanity forward.


Fortunately for this online magazine, the past editor Waylon Lewis does walk his talk. The dude talks very openly about his relationship challenges and workaholism. How refreshing.


If you are a meditation teacher, therapist, yoga teacher, etc, ask yourself if you are really walking your talk and revealing who you really are? If not, consider that more truth telling will lead to more empowered students who project less onto you.


In our last post of the series, we’ll explore how perhaps we have the wrong view, practice, and result. Then we’ll move into solution mode.


About Jayson Gaddis

Jayson Gaddis, founder of The Relationship School® , and host of The Smart Couple Podcast , is on a mission to teach people the one class they didn’t get in school--”How to do intimate relationships.” He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure forced him to master relationships. In 2007 he stopped running away from intimacy, asked his wife to marry him and now they have two beautiful kids. When he doesn’t live and breathe this stuff with his family, he pretty much gets his ass handed to him. You can find him here: Jayson Gaddis or sign up for a free training here if you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable man like Jayson used to be. You can also become a fan on Facebook here: Jayson Gaddis Fan Page.


21 Responses to “Are Teachers Walking Their Talk? Nope.”

  1. Nils Montan says:

    After 40 years of drinking from various vats of Kool Aide my advice to the kids is stay away from the Gurus and highfaluting spiritual teachers of all stripes. If some one sets themselves up as just a little more than human; if there is just a little to much adulation and conformity going on ~ run for the exits.

  2. Susan says:

    Good discussion, lots written on this subject (The Wounded Healer, If you meet the Buddha on the Raod, Kill him, etc) but it is important to keep it fresh. In your series, you may consider reference to Arjuna and Chameli – the work they do with regards to "Deeper Love" which is the spiritual practice of relationship is really powerful and effective. My Buddhist-psychiatratrist husband and I (a minister and healthcare provider) took a class from them in Boulder before we were married and it was…mind-blowing,,,mind-changing…mind-bending…ahh..heart bending. (oh, and hard work at times).

  3. Mike says:

    I can relate to what you say Jayson. For many of us, the root problem is our own unrealistic mentality. True spirituality means acknowledging the fact that if we were perfect, we wouldn't need to bee here. Not taking this into consideration leads to having very unrealistic expectations from others and from ourselves.

  4. ARCreated says:

    I'm all about being open and honest with my students — I like to say that I teach what I most need to learn and most times I teach something not because I am already good at it but that I need the practice too, I hold no one higher than myself or lower so my "teachers" are just people that give me insight and sometimes the best gurus are the drunks at the end of the bar.

  5. Nils Montan says:

    Hey ARC, I note that you are a grandmother (although obviously a particularly fit one!) and a yoga teacher. I don't know you, but I think the kids are safe with you.

  6. jaysongaddis says:

    ha ha. nice one. AND, teachers are great for a while so I wouldn't rule them out. They provided me and gifted me incredible teachings and practices to get me to the place where I can begin to trust my own experience.

  7. jaysongaddis says:

    great. haven't heard of them. sounds wonderul. thanks for the reference!

  8. jaysongaddis says:

    well said Mike. boom.

  9. jaysongaddis says:

    Oh, found their website. I'm judging that guy from his lame video aplogizing to women. Hmmm. more for me to look at there….

  10. yogijulian says:

    nice job.

  11. jaysongaddis says:

    Thanks for the Cohen example. Again, teacher/student thing ain't for everyone, but I'd be careful to toss out a dynamic that is useful to some for a while.

  12. jaysongaddis says:

    Nice. AND, we also need to be careful of the "level playing field" mentality where in reality it ain't level.

  13. jaysongaddis says:

    Oh, I like this response Chris. I appreciate the way you are teasing out the subtle trap of judging here. Yes, what is not okay to a student, might be a higher level teaching to someone else and perfectly fine. My beef is even if that's the case, why not just come out with it all and be ourselves? if we do this, is it possible that too many folks would just get stuck, judge and leave, thus missing out on the opportunity to practice "through it?" Hmmmm

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  16. blueomyoga says:

    great post- something i speak about with my students all the time.. walking my talk is waaaaay more important to me than getting my feet behind my head, and i think that is why i have been lucky to have many students still practicing with me after years.. they know i sometimes yell at my kids, eat meat, and enjoy shopping at the prada outlet….. they also know i am honest, loyal, compassionate, REAL, and would give a kidney to anyone of them if they needed it!
    Luckily they realize that practicing those things are more important than me wearing a white robe, sitting in a cave meditating, or boasting about how i am some famous person's teacher….

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