September 5, 2011

Big Ass Red Neck Yoga.

The unique styling’s of big ass red neck yoga are so varied from the traditional poses that a little informative discourse is appropriate.

Take the mountain pose. It is one of the foundational or core poses for big ass red neck yoga. In this pose you practice the art of stillness which has excellent street application.

For example if you are at work and a boss is walking in and has just caught you standing around doing nothing (like that ever happens). You may have only one option. You explain that you are taking a recommended fitness break which is promoted in the company employee benefits program as a way to keep health care costs down; and are in the middle of mountain pose where absolute stillness is the very essence of the pose. And it wasn’t ummm that your boss heard when he asked you what you were doing; it was OOOHHHHMMMMM  (yeah, yeah that’s it).

What company executive wouldn’t be happy to see someone buying in so sincerely to the company health benefits program? Of course if he caught you making some movement you just let him know that you just went into pose and you were just starting your introductory chant – OOOHHHHMMMMM when he walked in. It is appropriate to ask your boss to join you

Another useful pose in the big ass red neck yogis practice is Vatayanasana or in its western name Wind Relieving Pose. Not only was this funnily named pose designed by our eastern yogic brethren to gently massage the digestive tract (which gives you more room for wings and beer after a sweat breaking practice session) it specifically relieves excess wind from that same tract.

The practical application for this pose is more for the married big ass red neck yogi. When you are laying about lazy in bed on a Sunday morning and no one else has got out of bed to make you breakfast – and its 11 AM; well break into wind relieving pose.

Ever so slowly – this pose works really well after a night of BBQ beers with the boys – draw your right leg to the chest (or the belly for those of us with an affection for amber beverage – and like there’s hardly any of us here) and hold it there with your hands. If one is doing the pose correctly there should begin to be a significant release of gas. As you alternate legs the crescendo or static rhythm of the gas being relieved should be building.

Usually two sets of this pose held as long as possible for each rep should be get some response from whomever is on the other side of your bed – the master bed. You are the big ass red neck yogi master; damn right you are.

And when the lay about that you so graciously share your bed with gives you the old WTF look you return with an innocent who me look.

You explain to your sweetie that this is part of your morning yoga practice and you were wondering if she could help you with a demonstration of down dog pose. This question will lead to one of two responses – either another very interesting yoga pose from your arsenal or someone will get up and go cook your breakfast for the hungry yogi. Maybe that beer and wings you were just thinking about

And finally no big ass red neck yogi would have a complete practice without the famous leg pull pose. This pose is practiced with some of your big ass red neck yogi brethren. As you are sitting around shooting the breeze with the bros you tell them about the deep practice you have and how you notice so many benefits. You got a raise for standing around. You passed wind in bed on a hung over Sunday morning and got lucky or got breakfast depending on if your significant other shares your passion for big ass red neck yoga. That could be a match made in heaven for the big ass red neck yoga aficionado.

And you owe it all to your yoga practice. And as your yoga brethren beg you for more information you tell them they have just learned the leg pull pose because that is what you have been doing this whole story.

Pulling their leg.

Read 7 Comments and Reply

Read 7 comments and reply

Top Contributors Latest

Paul Hoffman  |  Contribution: 700