The Exquisite Lover.

Via Jackie Summers
on Sep 22, 2011
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“Technique in art has the same value as technique in love-making. On the one hand, heartfelt ineptitude has its appeal, and on the other hand, so does heartless skill; what you want is passionate virtuosity.” – John Barth

Part I.

In the World Peace series I extolled the virtues of “spine-tingling, goose bump-raising, electrifying, all is right with the world sex, the kind that makes you skip for no reason, not care if your boss yells at you, or if your car payment is late.” But what quantifies “great” sex? How exactly does one become an amazing lover?

For the record, given the vast realm of what can be enjoyed sexually, my tastes are admittedly fairly vanilla. That said, regardless of your fetishes or predilections, for the purpose of argument we will operate on the supposition that great sex is based on a combination of the following three factors:

1) Passion: your enthusiasm for the act of intimacy and/or your partner
2) Technique: skill and physical compatibility, and
3) Resonance: your emotional connection to the person you’re intimate with.

This presents some interesting scenarios. Any two combinations of the above can result in pretty good, but not great sex. Technique removed from passion is cold and mechanical. Clumsy enthusiasm is annoying. Being emotionally connected to someone with whom you’re physically incompatible is incredibly frustrating. The elusive and complex cocktail we seek ideally requires all three.

And it all begins with passion.

“Whereas circe turned men into pigs, art turns us fully into people” according to Baltasar Gracian. “Passion separates art from artifice;” it’s the difference between sleight of hand and alchemy, between parlor tricks and magic. Passion is raw unchecked emotion; it’s animalistic, bestial and not meant to be controlled. Passion transforms technique into art, elevates a physical act into a transcendental one by seamlessly melding art and science. All great artists, be they great musicians, painters or great lovers all have this in common, and it’s not technical proficiency: it’s how they make you feel.

If you never feel like you want to cut off an ear, you’ll never paint Starry Night or enjoy the kind of sex that penetrates a persons soul as deeply as their body.

Unlike orgasms, passion can’t be faked: you either have it or you don’t. Passion and technique can combine to create a powerful sexual chemistry. I’m on record as saying “technique can be learned by anyone; you can’t teach passion.” However, if you already feel passionate about the person that you’re with, where and how does one learn technique?

© j summers 2011


Part II:

The Exquisite Lover: Technique.


About Jackie Summers

Jackie Summers is an author and entrepreneur. His blog F*cking in Brooklyn chronicles his quest to become a person worthy of love. His company, Jack From Brooklyn Inc. houses his creative and entrepreneurial enterprises. Follow him on Twitter @jackfrombkln and friend him on Facebook.


17 Responses to “The Exquisite Lover.”

  1. I love this!! To answer your last question. I think you learn technique via passion. If you feel passionate enough with a person and resonate with them, then their is room for "experimenting" and polishing technique. Technique can only be learned if passion is present first.

  2. Dax says:

    I see I just copied your answer… 🙂 Ha.
    Right on the money. Pun intended.

  3. Ben_Ralston says:

    Every human being is passionate at heart. But most people experience trauma that dampens their passion – perhaps they are punished for being passionate as a child; or simply not rewarded; or they experience loss, shame, or pain in a moment of passionate expression. Either way, most people have a blockage towards really and truly expressing the passion that is in the heart of all us, just waiting to burst out.
    But it's not that some people are and some people aren't. We all are, deep down. It just needs to be 'unlocked' sometimes…
    It's a great subject, thanks for shining a light on it Jackie.

  4. nan says:

    Making love is an extension of a trusting, intimate relationship. It's another form of communication. I absolutely agree with everything you say here, and I am looking forward to date night tonight just to affirm. 😉 Also looking forward to part 2.

  5. Camellia says:

    Oh yes, I have had the pleasure. And just recently too. And they say women who are post-menopausal no longer enjoy sex.

  6. Suzette says:

    Ha Ha Ha! How old is Jackie Summer? If you are really intent on receiving the answers to these questions maybe one day you will get them.

  7. Mads says:

    Gorgeous read! Well written. So true. I do think that if you let go into the passion… Everything follows! It's like a meditation that you're totally absorbed in. BLISS pocket!
    Sigh… Need some of that! LOL

    Good luck with your search.

  8. dij says:

    What idiot said that??

  9. […] Some peo­ple like to play both roles while oth­ers can only play one. This is where sex­ual com­pat­i­bil­ity comes into play. If you like to be dom­i­nated you should date the guy who will buy the rid­ing […]

  10. mangoni says:

    This just made me realise why there's a hole in my relationship. My partner isn't passionate. And as a passionate person myself, not receiving it leaves me feeling rather empty.

  11. kmzam says:

    Really – what idiot, because from personal experience, although I'm still menstrual (ugh – at 51), my libido has gotten stronger with age. If fact, I'm far more sexual than I was at 20, 30, 40 … I enjoy it more, am more curious, and as far as I know, most of my female friends feel the same towards sex as they've aged. Although I know that's not true for all women, I am speaking only from personal experience and some of my friends who've been my friends for 30+ years. There's something about getting older, losing more inhibitions, caring less about things that aren't important, and knowing yourself better (and maybe dropping some prejudices and fear about things that are considered taboo), helps. With age comes wisdom, but that's not all that comes with it 🙂

  12. miles says:

    I'm sure this really works, if you look like that guy…..
    How about something for the "real world" people

  13. Maria says:

    You have such a way with making me touching sensations (if this is possible)! Thanks for this post.

  14. screenbean269 says:

    It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like, when there is passion and chemistry between two people, there is fire. You may have never experienced this, but for those of us who have it makes perfect sense. The boundaries of what you can experience become magnified and the air becomes charged with the current. It's incredible because all the senses ignite and fire off. You can smell their skin and feel their breath. You can taste the air they breathe and you're blinded by their glow. You can hear their heartbeat and the blood coursing through their veins. The sixth sense opens up and you can feel their being as a whole and the energy they possess. You become an integral part of them, and they part of you for the moments you share. It's an almost sacred moment shared between two people. It tends to burn fierce and hot and sadly … No one who's experienced this would give it up for the world. The few times I've found these people, I've basked in the magic for as long as I was permitted to.

  15. Jack says:

    I look like that guy. And I am real world people.

  16. G-Ma says:

    If you are with the right person, which has just now happened to me at 75, (I know what you are thinking), and you let yourself feel free, it can happen. Make no mistake it was a year into this relationship before I knew what was happening to me, and then I fell in love, totally.

  17. One of my favorite words baby. Exquisite.