February 14, 2012

Let the Light Shine In (and Out).

The amazing part about experiencing a deep depression, for me, is what is happening since I survived what seems to be the worst of it.  It is this “afterward” experience that would cause me to not only ask, but literally beg, anyone who is having such an experience with depression to do their best to “get through it.”  Yes, brighter days will be upon you!

I’ve detailed a small part of my recent experience with an absolutely depressing experience.  I’ve been dealing with the waves of fear, anger, sadness, and doubt that come along with the experience I am having, but today I am happy to announce that I have had a wonderful experience of love, understanding and acceptance.  Yes, my friends, this moment – this experience I am having now – was well worth the effort that survival took.

And yes, that survival took more effort than I ever thought I could manage.

Today I was fortunate enough to look at someone I have loved for a huge chunk of my life differently.  I am not saying that I squinted my eyes, or put rose-colored glasses on, or changed the lighting in the room.  I am saying that I had an experience that caused me to see her differently.  I won’t get into detail here (the details will be reserved for her at the appropriate time), but let me say that every moment of pain and suffering came into view as if I was looking at the “Big Bang” in reverse.  All of the outward doubt, fear, anger and suppressed resentment came rushing at her as if a shock wave was being played backwards.  It then disappeared into her somewhere, and all that was left was a radiant light and a knowledge that light itself was all that mattered.

Of course my ego suggested I was crazy, and that the nights of failed sleep and the constant barrage of thoughts had finally caught up with me.  In fact, it tried to prove I was crazy by saying something completely stupid to ruin that moment.  Yet, there I stood for what must have been a millisecond to the outside world for what was an eternity to me.  I was basking in the glow of something much different than what I had seen before.  I felt intensely focused and completely ready to heal.  The bandages were not only removed, but forgiveness and love immediately poured into the exposed wound, making it barely noticeable.

“This is Love,” came the Light.  “It banished everything else.”

Yes, I feel fucking crazy.  Yes, I hesitate to write this because I realize that you will think I am crazy too.  The irony of that amazes me.  Here it was not but a few days ago I was writing about a moment in which I nearly ended this life and that hardly made me crazy.  Seeing another human being in the Light of Love and knowing it, well that makes me not only a bit unusual, but also a bit crazy.  Or is it the fact that the Light spoke to me?  First, I never said it spoke to me, I said it “came.”  In other words, I had an understanding without speaking a word or hearing a word.  It was just there like the hair on my toe knuckle except, of course, it was much more attractive.

Ok, I am projecting.  Yes, I believe I am a bit crazy.  Given what I have experienced in my life I will take  THIS crazy over the OTHER crazy any day.  I got up from the chair I was sitting on and went outside without even remembering the action.  I left the room and can’t even remember how.  I just remember how tremendously awesome I felt and how absolutely bright the world around me looked.  Most of all, I remember that she was there for it, as she has been there for so many remarkable and not-so-remarkable moments in my life.  It seemed perfect, it seemed appropriate, and it seemed very fitting given the complications of it all.

It’s important to note that she is not the important part here except in the appropriateness of her place in the experience.  This experience may actually be a  burden to her.  I am not suggesting that it is, I am suggesting that I have no idea if it is or isn’t.  It wasn’t her experience, it was mine.  She just happened to be the Mona Lisa at the very moment I discovered that I loved art.  I believe this is important because I often want to burden someone else with the experience I am having.  It’s like forcing a homeless man who wants to sleep to stay wide awake to eat a meal because it makes me feel good to give it to him.  I don’t want to do this here, I simply want to explain the experience in total as it happened.  She just happened to be the focal point of it (which may, or may not, be a coincidence).

So I have felt like I am on that proverbial Cloud 9 ever since.  My sense of humor has returned in force.  I am not so worried about the future, nor am I so concerned about the past.  I have THIS moment, and what could be better?  I am not worried about the status of any relationship (even this one).  I am not all wrapped up in the debate my mind has had constantly with itself.  I simply am dedicated in this moment and am “focused intently and with loving intensity on healing and progress….” (to quote my Facebook status I barely remember typing).

I am not suggesting that this feeling will last.  I am suggesting that I don’t care if it does.  Right now is good enough for me.  I BELIEVE is the appropriate affirmation of this moment.  I believe in Love.  I believe in Light.  I believe in Now.

The rest, well that will take care of itself in perfect harmony even if it happens to sound like finger nails on a blackboard as life sings it into my ear.  Life will sing and I will be forced to listen even if I am left kicking and screaming in the corner of the room.  I could, however, decide to dance to the tune when acting like a baby doesn’t seem to jive with the moment.  Maybe I am simply dancing…

Enough.  Many of you are probably saying (to quote a rather intellectual and wise sage) “shut the fuck up and let me suffer!”  I am responding “go to it but please, whatever you do, live through it.  The tunnel is very dark and lonely, but the light on the other end is absolutely brilliant.”  Of course I am not sure I am on the other end, I may just be rounding a turn for all I know.  The light right here, however, is absolutely brilliant and was worth the pain that brought me here.  I’ll take it.

Right now, well the buzzer on my clothes dryer keeps going off and I want to take a baseball bat to it.  Ah it feels good to be BACK, even if I am not so sure I was ever here to begin with.  That, however, is another story!


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