March 25, 2012

“10 Reasons why I’m Vegan and You’re Wrong.”

NSFW language: not for children.

I’m vegan, but I don’t love self-righteousness, pre-judgment, or aggression, or evangelicalism, even in fellow vegans. It hurts our cause, if anything. ~ Waylon

1. I’m vegan ’cause I’m nice and you’re a selfish asshole and you know it.

I’m vegan ’cause I can eat a healthy diet with lots of protein and have a ton of energy without killing animals. I don’t like killing animals, even if they taste good (sorry, bacon and sausage, I miss you).

2. I’m vegan ’cause I like being a pain in the ass in restaurants.

I’m vegan despite the fact that I don’t like noisy righteous mean vegans, I don’t like calling myself vegan, I don’t like describing myself as vegan in restaurants (I don’t like being a picky pain, generally) and I like to eat out a lot, and that means being vegan all I can ever eat out is, like, salad or a bowl of, um…fruit.

3. I’m vegan ’cause I want to live longer than you.

I’m vegan because meat isn’t healthy, actually. Fish is so bad for all of us that pregnant women aren’t supposed to eat it in all 50 states, now. And meat is, you know, flesh, and animals eat all kinds of crazy things and are fed crap diets and, speaking of crap, living in little cages and are tortured and separated from friends and family and walk around in their own sh*t their whole life. And then you eat them. That’s kinda gross.

4. I’m vegan ’cause meat is basically just cut up burned flesh from tortured animals that’s then frozen and shipped around in plastic and you buy it in groceries, so unless you hunt there’s nothing macho or tough about eating it, and you’re a fat loser.

I’m vegan ’cause those who work in the meat industry are generally those who are the most horrified by the notion of eating hot dogs. I was hanging with a meat-packing-plant-working college kid the other day that said he still loved burgers, but that a lot of the meat that he worked with was disgusting, and if you eat hot dogs, you’re an idiot. This was coming from a guy who looked like he was a pale version of Jersey Shore’s Situation.

Okay, speed round.

5. I’m vegan ’cause I’m better than you are.

6. I’m vegan ’cause chicks dig compassionate guys.

7. I’m vegan ’cause I’m smart and educated and you’re not.

8. I’m vegan ’cause coconut ice cream is good, though it’s a total rip off.

9. I’m vegan ’cause I didn’t want that delicious amazing hand-rolled goldent buttery croissant with my Americano for Sunday brunch.

10. I’m vegan ’cause I don’t like having fun delicious barbeques with my friends.

Fuck…I’m giving up this vegan bullshit.


PS: on a serious note, whether we’re vegan or not, boycott conventional meat that hails from factory farms. That shit ain’t cool, clean, healthy, kind. It’s bad karma, broooo.

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Marnie May 20, 2015 11:04am

Disappointing Article. I am Vegan . . and I will admit that some Vegans do look down on others and consider them selves to be better then those that consume animal products. That being said, not all Vegans feel that way. I am Vegan because i believe in non-violence towards all animals . . . including humans. I am not superior to anyone. One bad apple in the basket does not make all the applesl bad. I am disappointed and surprised to find such a insulting article on elephant journal.

juststarted Dec 20, 2014 7:31pm

I tried vegan for months and constantly felt ill. As soon as I put meat back in my diet I felt better. My vegan guide kept trying to give me vegan supplements to fill what i was missing. Eventually i asked in which inhabitable region of the world could a tribe find nutrition only from plants? I eventually gave up. The universe is a hostile place, nature isnt concerned whether it harms us, we dont have to starve to prove we have a heart. We’re part of the predatory animal kingdom, sorry but we are. Veganism is just fine if you dont judge others. Chastizing meat eaters is an insult to the hunter / gatherers who struggled for our species survival. Maybe vegans can go tell the road builders, electrical workers, truck drivers and essentially the entire human race how awful they are as they provide for your free choice existence instead of making one-off disrespectful attacks. By the way, plenty of people eat meat their whole lives without getting cancer, and the rudest vegan i know is fighting cancer and epilepsy as she burns fossil fuels around town while talking on a cell phone with a suspended license, with an animal in a cage, putting human lives in danger. Silly.

HWFG Jul 4, 2014 8:57am

"I’m vegan because meat isn’t healthy, actually. "

Actually, this is pure, unadulterated BS, with no scientific basis to back it up.
The study which originally proclaimed this (NHANESIII) was funded by a number of stakeholders in a plant based nutrition company.
Facts never got in the way of the vegan lobby though huh?

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Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of Elephant Journal & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat.” Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword’s Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by “Greatist”, Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: “the mindful life” beyond the choir & to all those who didn’t know they gave a care. elephantjournal.com | His first book, Things I would like to do with You, touches on modern relationships from a Buddhist point of view. His dream of 9 years, the Elephant “Ecosystem” will find a way to pay 1,000s of writers a month, helping reverse the tide of low-quality, unpaid writing & reading for free online.