March 23, 2012

Why You’re Falling for the Wrong Person (Again & Again).

So why do women (and men) fall madly in love with people who treat them badly?

It’s not the excitement factor. People always talk about the allure of “bad boys,” but I don’t think that’s it. It’s not physical attraction. I don’t care how hot someone is, that’s not enough to make you overlook horrible behavior forever. It isn’t chemistry. It isn’t stupidity. It isn’t some romanticized “Beauty and the Beast” or “opposites attract” scenario.

The real reason we “fall” for people who treat us like crap?

We haven’t learned to love ourselves.

If we don’t have compassion for ourselves, don’t respect ourselves and haven’t made friends with ourselves, we aren’t ready to expect that from anyone else. Want to have a great relationship? Work on your relationship with you first. Take a look inside and get that sorted out. We’re all broken—that’s a given. That isn’t the problem at all! And giving love…giving is easy. It’s easy to love. I think one reason we fall for “douchebags” is because they don’t really care if you let them in—they are happy just taking.

The hard part? Looking honestly at ourselves. Making friends with ourselves enough to look someone in the eye and trust them enough to let them love us back. It’s harder to believe that we deserve to be deeply loved and really let someone in. It starts with maitri:


“The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”

~ Pema Chodron

Bonus: Last month, I fell madly in love…

Image: Pablo Merchán Montes

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Yohan Jul 31, 2015 9:35am

It was great reading ur blog….
i was in confusion of this thing.
y we still want to be with that wrong person again even if they don’t care for us….
Ur blog gave me the answer….
Its true…..
We don’t love ourselves, instead we run behind some stupid “douchebags” to find love for ourselves…..
Ur words helped me a lot…..
I’m very much thankful to you…..
loved ur writing peice…….
Thankx from the Bottom Of My Heart….

englishthistle Aug 28, 2014 1:52pm

I constantly fall for the wrong guy because I was raised to believe I didn't deserve better. When you're repeatedly told by the people you love and look up to (ie; your family) that you are worthless, unattractive, lazy and stupid, you just assume that it's true and therefore if you're emotionally or physically abused by the man you love, it's because you're not worth more than that. It's taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to realise how utterly wrong this is and believe me, it's a daily process!

MadMama Aug 27, 2014 6:41am

This single line spoke volumes to me: I think one reason we fall for “douchebags” is because they don’t really care if you let them in—they are happy just taking.

While I refer to my ex-husband as a douchebag, he is actually a narcissist. I gave and gave, he took and took, sometimes without me even realizing what parts of my self and being I was giving up.

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Kate Bartolotta

Kate Bartolotta is a wellness cheerleader, yogini storyteller, and self-care maven.
She also writes for Huffington Post, Yoga International, Mantra Yoga+ Health, a beauty full mind, The Good Men Project, The Green Divas, The Body Project, Project Eve, Thought Catalog and Soulseeds.
Kate’s books are now available on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com.

She is passionate about helping people fall in love with their lives.

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