April 30, 2012

Between Hope & Hell.

Photo: Dax32

I’ve lived in my own personal purgatory, an eternal hope that circumstances will change and I’d be first in line to receive what I wanted so badly.

I often wonder if hope always creates a living hell?

Besides being in the middle of war or some life-threatening situation, where you hope you make it out alive….

Hope says things are not okay as they are, it’s a duel—the acceptance of what is vs. hope. Who wins?

Sounds like a depressing fight.

I’ve found myself doing crazy things for hope and at times doing nothing, but waiting….and not calling it waiting, but in essence, it was….waiting.

Staying in friendships and romantic relationships, hoping something dysfunctional would change or they’d wake up, get help or wear matching t-shirts with me.

In a romantic relationship, I’ve been that chick.

The one who gives a ton o’ lovin’, hopin’ some outrageous day I’d hear how important and wonderful I was to their very life source. Silly, silly me.

I’ve stayed til the bitter end of hope, when I’ve given up only to then get what I wanted….only not to want it anymore.

And I don’t know about you, but I can’t get rid of hope so easily.

It creeps into the background of my decisions. It’s like a power unto itself.

I may decide to do something or not, based on that little pebble of hope. And every time I base any decision on hope, it never works out how I envisioned.

Photo: Rufino Uribe

Making decisions and hope should not swim in the same pool.

Decisions should be made wholeheartedly based on what is true for you in this moment.

When you bitch at someone else to change, like your mate, your boss, your kid, your best friend, the jerky barista…..you are passively living in hope.

Hoping when I was a kid, about someday.

Someday what? That I’d get what I need, and have what I want.

And did it come to pass?

Possibly, but it never gave the sense of fulfillment I had imagined in my dreams.

If you think you will wake up someday and your whole life will be a wonderland because you hoped it true, I got news for you—you’re still you.

And you can’t hope you’ll change; you have to actually take action to change!

I do try to predict my future, so I can be prepared in case hope fails or the stork brings me a golden egg.

And I kid myself.

As if the Universe is gonna allow me to know every pothole, stone or obstacle standing in my way of having what I want! Because really, I’m the one standing in my way.

Having hope means I am not presently here. And sometimes, as imperfect as I am, I am just not presently here.

For me, I don’t get caught up in the “if onlys”; if only, this would happen then my life would be better.

Instead, I get caught up believing words, which hopefully someday will hold water, even if I am the one speaking them.

Words are not a place to have hope. True action to match like a great pair of shoes should instead inspire hope for the best.

Now having hope can keep you going when you wanna die. A little bit of hope gave me the small amount of will to have kept breathing at times.

Remember: This too shall pass.

Victor Frankl wrote about hope in Man’s Search for Meaning. Those that perished did so because they lost hope; life was without meaning. Viktor realized hope kept him alive. While he was in a concentration camp, he hoped and believed he’d see his wife and family once he was released from camp.

Each day for years, Viktor held tight to hope while helping others in the camp. He never gave up hope.

We are fortunate to not be living in concentration camps physically, but what about emotionally? Are we in our own concentration camp of hope?

Does hope ever bring a sense of fulfillment? Yes and no.

On your journey, if you hope and really believe everything will work itself out, you have a sense of contentment, a state of non-attachment, which is fabu!

Attachment just sucks.  And sometimes it feels impossible to let go. How do you stop? I can be very aware I need to give up hope, but then a part of me is stuck in it.

Photo: KUHT

And that’s when I need go through the lesson to understand myself better leading me to take action, even if it’s uncomfortable.

I’ve noticed things don’t happen or change because I hope they will; circumstances change on their own without my willing them, forcing them or hoping from the bottom of my soul.

I really try to surrender my struggle against what isn’t happening now. I try to allow peaceful acceptance. Sometimes its so depressing and other times, I feel empowered.

My goals are there, but the attachment to how they look once achieved is nonexistent.

It’s weird not hanging onto hope. Instead, partake in life and trust that all will be well. When I hope for things to hurry up and get here, I disempower myself by missing the value of the journey, and who I grow to become in the process.

Besides, if I wait at all, then the fickle finger of fate steps in and drags my ass along, making me hope I never hoped.

On the other hand, sometimes having hope is like a map, you know where you want to end up, but having hope gets you there.


Editor: Brianna Bemel

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