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April 2, 2012

Is Chivalry Dead or Just Comatose? ~ Stephanie Bailey

(Photo: Pinterest)

Gone may be the chivalrous man, and it may be our own fault.

You have seen it in the movies and believe it or not, there was once a time when men were chivalrous; something that came as natural as riding a bike or playing sports.

Men would actually open doors (including the car) for women. They would pick you up for a date and drop you off in front of an establishment if the weather was bad, instead of having you walk, and offer their coats if it was cold outside. If you were walking together they would walk on the side of traffic and hold your hand. These same men would even pull your chair out for you and stand up when you left the table. All of this is nice and appreciated, but considered Business Class chivalry!

First Class chivalry entails all of the above mentioned, plus, they would pay for the date without question, send flowers and/or bring them when they see you, as well as surprise you with gifts and possibly trips. Is it any surprise that these men had no problem attracting women or getting laid?

I know for some of you, reading this might seem shocking. You are probably wondering if these men still exist. Take it from me, they do.  However, today, chivalrous men are scarce and many are simply comatose.

Back in the day, chivalry was important because women had higher expectations (what happened?). Women loved and respected themselves, believing that the best man, the one who put in the most effort, would win their heart. Literally, the best man won.

During my dating travel adventures, I have had the pleasure of dating and meeting a few chivalrous men. The reality of course is most men who are chivalrous, don’t stay single for very long.

What happened, and where did the chivalrous men go? Unfortunately, a lot of men have been sucked into the vortex of lazy dating syndrome. Why should a guy put in the extra effort when it comes to dating if it is not expected? Why is giving the bare minimum accepted?

Looking at the big picture, it is not completely their fault. So many women have lowered their expectations because they are caught up with being independent. We tell ourselves, “I don’t need a man to open any doors for me”, when in reality, once you meet a guy who does, it feels good.

Being treated special doesn’t mean you have to give up your independence, even though so many women correlate it that way.

When women say, “I don’t need a man to take care of me” they are giving men a reason not to be motivated to make an effort in relationships. Being chivalrous is a way that a guy shows you he cares and respects you.

Doesn’t it feel great when a guy your dating makes you feel special? When he calls and sends text messages on a daily basis telling you he misses you and is thinking of you. Opening doors (including the car), bringing flowers, planning dates, making time to see you, and bringing small gifts. These are ways of letting you know he cares. You do mean something to him.

It’s interesting that the very same women who say, “They don’t need a man to…,” are also the first to complain when a guy they like isn’t calling or making plans to see them.

There are also women who have gotten trapped on the “low self-esteem train” causing dislike and worry within themselves. This in turn manifests men in their lives who don’t feel the need or desire to have to be chivalrous.

(Photo: Pinterest)

If a guy knows that he can capture your attention and keep you interested,without putting in a lot of effort, why would he?  When you don’t love yourself, you don’t believe that you do deserve to be treated special, and therefore you won’t be.

Chivalry shouldn’t be to the point of extinction. Women need to let men know that this type of romantic behavior is not only important, but also valued and appreciated in a relationship. It’s up to you to “set the bar” for what you want up front.

If you like when a guy opens the car door, stand there with a smile until he does. When he appears to be “clueless” tell him politely that you are waiting for him to open the door for you. When he does, give him instant gratification by thanking him right away, or however you choose. The little romantic gestures do matter and he needs to know that. Ladies, we have the ability to bring life back to chivalry.

It’s a vicious circle; when women lower their expectations, men don’t put in as much effort. Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk? Of course women are not actually cows, but you get the point.

Again, chivalry does not mean that a man has to take care of you, it’s more about showing emotional support and manners. Chivalry shows he’s taking a personal interest in you!

Ladies, we must make it our job to “wake up” the ones who are “chivalry-comatose” or have the potential to become chivalrous. We must do this with encouragement, genuine appreciation, loving excitement and higher expectations if we want to change the direction of men today.

Remember, it’s not about sacrificing your independence it’s about gaining a quality man.

~

Editor: Jennifer Cusano

Stephanie Bailey has been writing books on relationships since 2003 and just began her blog Miss-Reflections in November of 2011 which is a mixture of relationships and life experiences. Visit her blog to learn more: www.missreflections.posterous.com

 

 

 

 

 

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