The Real Reason He Dumped You. (It’s Not What You Think). ~ Carolyn Gilligan

Via elephant journal
on May 16, 2012
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The guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind.

In case you didn’t already know, it wasn’t your thighs or your arm jiggle. That’s just in your pretty little head. It wasn’t that annoying hormonal breakout you had last week. You are the only one who paid that any attention. You’re just human, baby, and us humans we are all so beautifully flawed.

You don’t need to start that trendy diet everyone is doing these days. Don’t bother wasting your money on the best-selling book or the packaged, processed food. Diets are complete crap. If they actually worked we wouldn’t be in the midst of national obesity crisis.

Think about it. Go to yoga instead. Grab yourself a juicy piece of fruit. You don’t need a boob job or P90X. That’s all just bullsh*t.

Dear, know this, you are perfect as you are.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know me!” but I do. See, as fellow human creatures, our hearts ache and break all the same.

Trust this. The universe, he or she has your back. Let’s go with she. The omnipresent mother is always steering us in the right direction on our journey. One day it will make sense why it didn’t work out. Why it made you cry. Gratitude will wash over your skin and soak through to your heart. You will tilt your head back, looking up at the brightest blue sky and think to yourself, momma always knows best.

In the mean time, go out with your girlfriends. Drink too much wine. Enjoy a beer (or seven). Use their eyes to look at yourself. You will be amazed at how beautiful you are.

Laugh and drink and dance and cry. Cry right smack dab in the middle of the crowded city street. Cry in the back of a cab. Cry on the strong, capable shoulders of the women whom you love so and that in return love you just as you are.

Cry in savasana the next day, not just because your body is all at once throbbing and aching because of the lack of sleep and dehydration.

Cry because you had the almighty, healing pleasure of spending your night in the warm, rich company of those who care for you unconditionally.

The practice will ring out the muscles and draw out the toxins, both chemical and emotional. And you will start to heal. One long inhale and deep full-body exhale at a time.

Learn to be a-okay with yourself, just as you are today. It might take some time. A whole lot of time. And you will still have your moments. We all have our moments.

Be patient with your little self.

And if you don’t want to take my word for it, maybe you will take his. You don’t need to change a thing about you, babe. I’m telling you from where I sit, you’re one of a kind.


Relephant bonus:


Carolyn Gilligan is a daughter, sister, best friend, listener, lover, ice cream eater, sometimes writer, easily excitable, embarrassingly gullible yoga teacher in training who drinks too much coffee, makes a lot of mistakes and has too much fun for her own good.



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Editor: Kate Bartolotta



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79 Responses to “The Real Reason He Dumped You. (It’s Not What You Think). ~ Carolyn Gilligan”

  1. Maureen says:

    And I thank God or the universe that lead me to read this article today and I cried. I am letting myself cry right now after I broke it off with the one man who I thought was the one. Realizing I can't be with someone who said he love me but still looking for another girl online? I value myself worth way too much and decided to end things up. My ex husband cheated on me so it's a very sore subject for me and it actually feels good to stand up for myself and said I can't put up with that behavior. It hurts, still hurts…it's only been 3 days. Thank you so much for writing this.

  2. Laura says:

    I dumped my boyfriend because he has/d a rather elastic relationship with the truth, and I caught him lying to my face when I asked him a direct and important question. This is a man whom I had planned to start a household with and who was planning to move in with me. He tried to interpret my decision as not being able to accept his 'flaws' (because of many years of reading articles like this one, he was able to take that tactic) and he was not in the least bit sorry he had lied. We are all flawed but some of those flaws are elective, through the choices we make. I would have been a fool to take the risk of depending with a man who lies. This is not because he is 'amazing' or 'awesome.' It is because he is a liar.

  3. Mindi Bee says:

    Hey and what about us guys who killed ourselves for the one we loved and she dumped us for unknown reasons? Some of us guys have hearts, we hurt and cry too! What if SHE is out of her mind?

  4. katymarie says:

    For your first article, great job! I saved it to my Stumble account 🙂 I love the positive vibe you give out, acceptance of yourself. So many girls (and some guys) look to things that are wrong with them, but your right on. We are who we are, and being OK with that is amazing. It is so refreshing to read your article instead of ways to make him like you and then the article is all these dieting, sex, and how to dress on the date tips…
    I read some of the comments on the feed, and everyone handles and feels differently about relationships. Personally I really felt the passion behind the article, When you write about drinking and crying I get it. It's not about drinking your problems away or being a baby, its about healing and doing it in any way possible. Going out there and saying "Hey, I can over come this!" And I think this is great. No, everyone may not drink, or cry – but use it metaphorically for something they could in place, your passion easily came across. You are talking about acceptance, and loving yourself. That is the most important thing and that is what woman, and younger girls entering the dating scene need to hear and/or learn today.
    I am recently out of a relationship, so I especially enjoyed reading this and some of the comments about being able to deal with reality, or take responsibility – well everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I take responsibility for my part in every relationship, but that doesn't mean that I have to blame myself and/or dwell in misery. It's not worth it, move on. It hurts, it's hard and it sucks! But life doesn't stop happening, and neither should you or any of us! So to me, your article makes perfect sense. Love the song too!

  5. AJ says:

    Wonderful article. Made me warm and fuzzy

  6. northofthesouth says:

    It is a disservice to women everywhere to say “it’s not your fault” if they get dumped. It takes two to make a relationship work. If you were dumped then yes, you are responsible in some way either directly or indirectly. And if he cheated or says “it’s not you, it’s him” then yes, he’s cowardly but there’s something you did or didn’t do that triggered it. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s dangerous to just say “it was all him” and then move on to the next relationship without any real assessment of how you are as a partner.

  7. Olivia Coleman says:

    Thank you this is a beautiful article!

  8. GrownWoman says:

    Um …condescending tone made it impossible for me to finish. Please dont talk to grown ass women as if we are little girls.

  9. Maria says:

    exactly……seems like it didn't get to the bottom of it.

  10. michelle says:

    love it. makes me wanna be in your circle of friends. 🙂

  11. Gordon Gekko says:

    Yes, you maybe be perfect the way you are on the outside, but maybe you were dumped as you had habitual tendencies and unrealistic expectations on him or life in general. Maybe some meditation or calm self reflection might make it more transparent to see where you might have "went off the deep end", when "dipping a toe" was all that was needed. Who know's… There WAS a reason you were dumped, and I think women in general, only from my experience), (awaiting the hate mail torrent!!) is they go from guy to guy, without realizing why it failed or why they were rejected, as oppose to see it where they might change something in themselves next time and learn/grow.

  12. nina says:

    Thanks so much!! I really needed to read that and love the song! truly lifechanging, you guys rock!

  13. DevonDuh says:

    Shallow but may be relevant for 20 somethings

  14. michael says:

    no i'm sorry but the reason I break up with people is because as a child, I was never shown how to love someone.
    I had parents who would like verbally and physically, and as a child, That didn't teach me anything good about loving someone.
    Don't get me wrong, I don't hit or verbally abuse females, and think anyone who does needs to be shot.

    I have been in many relationships and I was always the one who tore us apart, I think that a relationship needs to be like those in the movies, never fighting, always loving but it's just not true.
    when ever me and my partner would have a ight, i'd blame myself for the whole thing and then i'd feel like i had wrecked the relationship.

    then i'd end it.
    Honestly, if i had stuck to the person i think i would have learnt what a relationship really is and how to love someone.

  15. John says:

    "The guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind"

    Oh really? Really, really? Because a lot of breakups with your so-called "perfect as you are" women are perfectly reasonable. I'm not a bit sorry to rain on your on your little parade, but your method of empowering women by dis-empowering and belittling men is just so much infantile and sophomoric baloney.

  16. Yogagurl says:

    If a person has a personality characteristic that is turning off her dates it's good to know. Sometimes it can be something small. It doesn't mean you change your entire being, it just means you become your best.

  17. Yogagurl says:

    I SO AGREE with you!!! As someone who prefers to deal with reality instead of always blaming the other person…I cannot accept that often relationships don't happen or go wrong because of some annoying personality issue. Sometimes it is because the two are not a right fit but often it's because one or more parties are doing something to ruin it! And YES the truth hurts but it is the only time we will be empowered and make a new decision.

    I was just on a blog where a woman wrote in on how a promising date went bad because he couldn't get past her being fat. And I mean she was really fat. Instead of learning from it and putting all her energy into losing weight for better success she chose to call him "superficial". All the other women chimed in that he was a "jerk", etc. I was a different pov. I said he was nice to you, honest with you, he was not a jerk. Don't take it personal. You could lose weight and have better success! But they wouldn't have it. They'd rather be mad at the world for feeling that being slender is more attractive than change. I say the same thing …"Grow up"!!! So annoying.

  18. Yogagurl says:

    Don't you know women are perfect and men are at fault??? LOL

  19. Yogagurl says:

    SO TRUE! This goes for men and women! I met a guy I really really liked! But he showed me personality characteristics that made me hesitate and ultimately say "no". Things like inconsideration, selfishness, etc. Character matters! How could it not???

  20. Christina says:

    Now I wish I knew why he dumped me! Too emotional…not happy enough? I wish he'd say! But too often they don't tell you and it's so frustrating. I am heartbroken and no amount of wine or beer or girlfriend talk will bring him back.

  21. DiaW says:

    Eh…while it's good to love yourself, I think it's important to use a breakup as a learning experience to develop oneself. It's never just "bad timing" or "he's unavailable or a jerk". If you find yourself in a pattern, then either you're subconsciously drawing in (or being drawn toward) the wrong people, or you're doing something to drive them away. If you're really the type of person to believe he dumped you because of your weight or PMS, then I suggest you need to work on your self-esteem or narcissism issues.

  22. Lurker says:

    I think some people are missing the point of this article… Some women, myself included, judge themselves to the point of destroying their own self-esteem or self worth after a break up, even if they saw it coming. The whole "if I try harder he'll love me" thing was what always got me. I tend to put a bunch of myself in a relationship and have always had this idea that if I kept up my end of the relationship, they would too. And if they were lacking, I would unhealthily pick up their slack. Admittedly, I was afraid to be alone and have since worked through these emotions.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes you get so wrapped up in the idea of a relationship you sort of lose your logical thinking. And then when the relationship ends, even if it was absolutely necessary, you feel like there was some sort of deep rooted lacking in yourself to cause the relationship to fail. Like if you had just did your hair this sort of way, or acted this sort of way during a situation, or laughed at his jokes more, or gave him more space then he could have loved you enough to stay and keep the relationship going. I think the point of this article was to tell yourself you can't put all of the relationship's demise on yourself. You admit to the rational wrongdoings on your end, but you have to let go of the tiny little things that you think you did wrong. Because chances are they weren't what ended the romance. Cut yourself some slack. <3

  23. Mellisa says:

    Very confusing to read an article you think is about one thing and it’s not. Why not just change it?

    Besides that, it’s hardly a ground breaking article. Might be suitable for 13 year old girls but not really suitable for adults.

    I should have stopped with the opening “the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind” comment. We all have faults that end relationships. Females included. It reminds me of a Louis CK moment where two 16 year olds are in a cafe and Louis is at the table next to them listening in. As they are discussing why some boy is not calling one of them back. “You know why he’s not calling you back. He’s crazy and you’re awesome. Like totally awesome. Like you are the most awesome’ist person I know. Like you are just so awesome…”. All a bit silly really.

  24. Jarlee says:

    Thank You! <3

  25. Powderpuff says:

    I needed to read this… Sitting here crying as I type. Thanks.

  26. Larry says:

    Thats OK though because the reason doesn't matter in the end. Whatever caused it was the other person's issue. You can only control yourself. not others

  27. DWk says:

    Oi! Tough crowd. Keep at it. You can't please everyone all the time

  28. Shane says:

    Don’t try and account for your actions (or lack there of) – just blame the other person

    Brilliant advice…. Hope you enjoy the single life

  29. Rachael miles says:

    The title may be off but what you said was great so often men or women pick themselves apart when a relationship is in the tank… wonder why it is the human mind is so quick to jump to the negitive aspects of life