The Ravish-Me Fantasy: Why Women Want their Man to Take Them. ~ Adam Sheck

Do women really want to be ravished?

As a psychologist and couples counselor, I’ve been asked this question by men for the last twenty years. My specialty is helping couples bring back the passion in their relationship and using fantasy is one way of doing this.

And the fantasy of being ravished, being lovingly—yet forcefully—taken by her man is consistently in the top five female fantasies. In fact, it’s often the number one fantasy. This is different than the rape fantasy which has often been misrepresented.

Of course, women don’t want to be raped. Rape is an act of violence and power, not one of love. However, as revealed in romance novels, the fantasy of a strong powerful man initiating sex with a woman, not accepting her initial reluctance, and then loving her passionately, is a highly popular fantasy. This is not about abuse and power—in most of these novels (and fantasies), the couple ends up married and living happily ever after.

So what’s the truth here, at least from a psychological perspective?

When we first meet someone we’re attracted to, our bodies are designed to flood our system with hormones. We call this the honeymoon period.

However, this initial chemistry fades over time and we need to take steps to reignite it. To create sexual passion, there needs to be sexual tension and for this there needs to be strong sexual polarity. We need to consciously create this in our relationship.

Polarity comes from strong masculine energy meeting strong feminine energy. Just like the positive and negative terminals of a battery create electricity, so will the masculine and feminine interact to create passion. Now each of us, male and female have an inner masculine and an inner feminine and either sex can express either aspect.

For the heterosexual female ravish me fantasy though, we’re talking about the man embodying the masculine and taking charge with the masculine qualities of being focused, direct, relentless in pursuing his goal—in this case, loving his woman into submission.

This can range from simply initiating sex, to be a little more assertive than usual, to being more aggressive, to being a little rough, all the way to dominant-submissive role play and using restraints and sex toys.

To use a simple example, I’m 6’3″ and over 200 pounds and have found that many women have simply enjoyed the weight of my body pressing into them and found that arousing. I also happen to have large hands (no euphemism here). I’m usually able to hold both of a woman’s wrists in one of my hands and even that small step can often be assertive enough to feed into the submission fantasy. Just consider what you can do to orient yourself in that direction. It certainly doesn’t have to be whips and chains.

From an evolutionary psychology perspective, women want to know that their man can take care of them, and can hold them, both emotionally and physically. I have a female friend who is close to six feet tall and she loves that her husband can physically hold her, pick her up, engulf her and sometimes make her feel like she’s a little girl.

If we believe that form follows function, then if a man can open a woman sexually with his dominance, perhaps he can also metaphorically open her heart with his dominance.

Perhaps there is part of each woman that wants to have her heart ravished open, even more than her body. Don’t we all want our partner to help open our heart and experience more love?

Now on the flip side, there are times when a man enjoys his partner initiating sex in a more dominant and aggressive way. Being stuck in any role will ultimately diminish passion.

The bottom line is, to find that place of balance within yourself and within your relationship. This is best accomplished by communication with your partner.

So what are you waiting for, let the ravishing begin!


(This article first appeared on the author’s website under the title Do Women Want to Be Ravished.)


Editor: Lori Lothian

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Brock Patel Jul 28, 2015 5:15pm

This is so great to find this. I love this about my man, not many men know that for some reason this is what makes it very passionate, So amazing just thinking about him..

heather Jan 19, 2015 10:53pm

I am a 5' 11" tall woman who spends 95% of life in charge and total control of things around me. I am a supervisor at work. I hire and fire. My job is mentally taxing as I work in a high demand, fast paced office.we have two teenage sons and i am the sole care giver of my grandmother. I am a self admitted control freak because it is easier lol BUT my 6'5" tall husband of 15 years not only loves and supports me he gets me. I need to feel ravished during sex. I love the passion and control of him being in "charge" . There is no s&m or bondage involved I just like to feel his power and strength. I spend my whole life being dominate and I need those moments when I can let my guard down and feel like a woman again. Like his woman. His weight on me the way he looks in my eyes and holds my arms etc. Are the only times in my life I feel like i can be "weaker" and safe and protected at the same time I need to feel like a woman sometimes instead of a drill Sargent. I could never give myself to anyone else like I do with him because our trust and bond is so deep. It's just nice to be able to feel small and feminine and loved above all others. Not everyone feels this way I'm sure but as a larger woman who has spent years around men who were intimidated by the fact I stood eye to eye with them I enjoy my man ravishing me.

Laura McNally Nov 28, 2013 10:19pm

As a psychologist I don't subscribe to 'evolutionary' arguments about 'masculinity and femininity', a very limited view and one that reproduces inequality in personal and political life. We need to deconstruct this inequality to build truly connected relationships, and to delineate women from any from of oppression. I recommend Cordelia Fine, a neuro-psychologist who argues this evolutionary bias view as 'neuro-sexism' in our discipline.
Sheila Jeffreys writes: "The 'difference' between men and women is created in and by culture but is regarded as natural and biological. The huge difficulty that so many women and men have in seeing femininity and masculinity as socially constructed rather than natural, attests to the strength and force of culture."… "A hundred years of sexology has told us that when women learn to take pleasure in submission in sex, we will be subordinating ourselves in our lives as a whole. In this respect, the sexologists knew their business. And their business was to ensure that women were undermined, unable to fight their oppression… Through eroticizing our subordination in the name of sexual liberation," they shore up the foundations of male supremacy."
So no, as a psychologist and a strong woman, I don't ever seek to recreate social norms or subservience to men, to me that is the antithesis of sexual and spiritual connection.

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Adam Sheck

Dr. Adam Sheck, the Passion Doctor, helps couples and singles bring back the passion into their lives and into their relationships. He is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles, is certified in Imago Relationship Therapy and has practiced JUST enough Tantra to be dangerous. He blogs about relationships at thepassiondoctor.comand about issues facing men in the second half of life at www.menafterfifty.com. You can also find him on Facebook.