July 6, 2012

Kindness to Oneself.


“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.”

This is a mantra that Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, shared recently on my radio show when I asked her how can one be kind to oneself.

Self-Compassion is an eloquent mix of strong social science research and her own personal stories of discovering the power of self-kindness during the discovery and healing process with her son’s autism. She was drawn to the idea of compassion early in her career when she began a Buddhist meditation practice and witnessed the powerful shifts that came through practicing compassion. This experience lead her to create an empirical system to measure and research compassionate behavior.

Compassion is a misunderstood emotional skill because we often wrongly compare it to pity, which is actually its antithesis. Pity separates us from other people’s suffering, where as compassion recognizes suffering as one of the fundamental unifying experiences of being human.

Deep compassionate feelings are the source of our empathic experience, the moments in life where we open ourselves to the pain and suffering of others and realize that it is no different from our own. Compassion teaches us to be mindful about our suffering and encourages us to replace resistance to suffering with the power of human kindness.

Compassion for ourselves may be the most challenging behavior of all to master. This occurred to Kristin when she was researching the negative emotional impact that came from the pursuit for self-esteem. In fact, there are many recent studies that support the negative impact of building our lives around “contingent self-worth,” which is another way of saying that we are only as OK as others tell us. Having your sense of self hanging on the evaluations of other people and outside events is deeply emotionally destabilizing because it is so impermanent. High self-esteem moments are fleeting, and attaching our self-worth to the temporary successes and failures that make up life is unreliable at best, and crazy at worst.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, is a skill set worth developing because it kicks in just when our sense of self-worth is bottoming out. Self-compassion helps you to heal the destructive self talk and damaging old emotional patterns that make happiness and health so elusive for so many people. Learning to be kind to ourselves when life is not conforming to our hopes is life changing. It is the doorway to learning to love ourselves and accept the ups and downs of life on earth with grace, patience and humor.

Honestly, too, if we would all learn to be a little kinder to ourselves, we would be amazed at how much easier it would be to be kinder to those we love.


Editor: Brianna Bemel


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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy, she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called “the essential guide for relationships.” The book is available on ebook, as well as in paperback online. Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.