September 12, 2012

The Pandemonium of Disappointment.

I would rather build a fairy tale sometimes than admit to the failure of a relationship.

I’d rather believe in hope than in its twin brother “Disappointment.”

When I was younger, I could shake it off, kick it to the side….I knew brighter days awaited me.

And as the years passed, it seemed more difficult to have things work out how I wanted them to, so to compensate and develop an attitude of non-attachment to my perfect picture—I went to the other extreme.

I stopped having the outcome I wanted in my head have to look a certain way. It never needed to be my way anymore. Everyone else could be happy, and then maybe they’d never leave me or they’d think I was peachy keen!

And yet, I still hoped I would be okay. It didn’t work.

So, I searched for a middle ground through my own sense of empowerment and getting clear on what I wanted. Then the possible loss that could happen would be easier to weather. And it’s true in one sense: I know I’m no longer holding back, lying or manipulating to get my way. I’m being authentic, and that does feel better.


…sometimes it’s not okay that something doesn’t work out. Sometimes it’s just plain ol’ disappointing.

Being a force of nature in my otherworldly determination to create success from two sticks and quicksand, I would go headlong into something doomed to fail and fight with all my might for its very survival and “hope.” 


One of my out of control demons was driving that car, I was so caught up in achieving what should have stayed impossible, I never checked in to see if I really wanted it in the first place.

Self-defeating? Wanting some reward, which doesn’t really exist?

Maybe I just needed a reminder that I’m not really destined for great things unless I break my neck by punishment and suffering first?

My demons have given up their driver’s licenses, but sometimes I still let one of them hitchhike.

I know many of us would rather not face disappointment.

It means an ending.

Even if there is a new beginning, some sort of loss has happened. And thus, we hold onto really painful situations and relationships in our lives to avoid disappointment.

Sometimes disappointment is not as bad as we anticipated; we find we did a whole dance around it for so long when we could have chucked it a long time ago.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a job, marriage, relationship, house, car, dog, your sofa, a philosophy, or whatever you are settling for in order to avoid disappointment. It is still causing you a whole helluva lot of grief, which is unnecessary.

Some believe, as martyrs, that they do it for a greater good or someone else’s good.

I hate to disappoint you, but sacrificing one’s own happiness for the good of anyone else, doesn’t work. It’s a way to live in constant discomfort, resentment and pain. You never get the medal you hoped for, which alleviates all that loss of time, vigor, happiness and peace.

When you sacrifice your happiness to stay in a sh*tty situation, it is never appreciated by anyone, even if you think so. And let’s be honest, you stay because you are afraid.

You are afraid of disappointment or disappointing another person.

Many of us are afraid of letting someone down.

We build a self-image based on what other people believe us to be, and usually that has so little to do with who we are, it would be great to pull the plug and be you

You are all flawed and effed up! That is so awesome and inspiring!

If you stay it is a known disappointment daily, if you go it is unknown disappointment (but there’s freedom to find out). When your sense of self is fragile, a major disappointment can put you right over the edge.

It is hard to take, I know. I like to believe I handle disappointment well, but as a friend of mine recently pointed out, I don’t deal with failure too well because I don’t want the disappointment. Yup, my friend got it right, and I had to look inside of myself and ask, “Why?” What was up with my beating myself to a pulp, trying everything to not let something go, which has no hope?

There was a lot attached to that as I continue to unravel it, but at least I can see the way out of my hell. Sometimes, we have no idea why we stay at a job, relationship or anything, which is killing us, until we have no choice but to look it square in the eyes.

Life is full of disappointment and it’s full of joy.

Both are not mutually exclusive.

When you accept disappointment, you also get to experience its much more fun cousin, Joy!

And when you accept yourself, a situation, relationship, job, etc…as is and say “okay,” to disappointment, you get to see that disappointment hasn’t killed you. You may have some adjustments, sadness, grief, et al., but now you get to really live for a new adventure.

You get to do something new, which gives you an opportunity to be “real,” with yourself. To follow your heart and see where it leads and to take on disappointment as a natural part of life.

No reason to run or hide, everything once illuminated no longer has the power it once did in the dark.



Editor: Brianna Bemel


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