November 20, 2012

There Will Again Be Light.

Photography: Ingrid Schroder

Yesterday had me fooled.

Big time.

That bad boy loured and lulled me with its oh so sweet and easy ebb and flow—it totally soothed me into a false sense of security, hands slippery and slow, helping me along nicely in the act of letting my guard down.

Let’s just say that yesterday’s brightness was dimmed more than abruptly.

Let’s just say that yesterday packed more than a little bit of a punch.

Two hours and thirty seven minutes of listening to your child relentlessly scream their little lungs out while they battle the impending process of sleep will do that to you.

It’s a test alright.

If you’ve ever been through the hell of listening, helplessly, as anyone, let alone your baby, completely looses their shit, you know for sure, that describing the experience as a test only touches the tip of the iceberg.

Listening to Ayanna have an absolute melt-down is beyond brutal. There’s no holding back—that little Minx really goes for it. Very dramatic (wonder where she gets that from), to the point where she basically just rips my heart out (the fact that you can’t see the scars, doesn’t mean they aren’t there).

It took a long time, like 14 months probably, for me to get the knack of just sitting in the midst of all that flying shit of parenthood, and still hold onto a thread of myself, a taste of that peace I work so fucking hard for, a shred of the sanity I sometimes feel is slippery at best.

Well, that lesson took it’s sweet time to arrive, now didn’t it?

Nothing like feeling helpless and hopeless and sleepless for over a year to jump start your sway back into the brightness.

That’s just the way life goes sometimes—the pulse is always swaying. Some things, some circumstances, some heartbreak, some challenges that we’ll face in this lifetime take their sweet fucking time moving through us. 

That’s just the way it is.

We don’t necessarily spend the same amount of time in the darkness as we do in the light.

It’s in those moments where you feel like you can’t possibly take anymore, or work anymore or be any more tired or empty or broken, remind yourself that there will again, be light.

Remember that change is imminent; it’s unavoidable…it’s the only constant.

Everything pulses. Everything fluxes and flows. Everything changes, sometimes. Nothing lasts forever, thank God.

Not the good and not even the bad. Not being sleep deprived, not sleep-ins, not break ups or broken hearts or empty arms. Not sleepless nights, or painful words, not first kisses, not your twenties, not the tight little thighs you worked so hard for.

Everything is in transition. All of the time.  All. of. the. time. 

Moments melt and friendships fade; pain passes and even cherished childhoods end. Relationships change and seasons change, life changes and changes and changes. The evolution never ends.

Nothing is ever stagnant; nothing stops moving, even if you can’t initially feel that pulse.

(Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there).

Everything will shift and change, so stop sweating the small stuff. (Maybe the medium stuff and some of the bigger stuff as well).

Lighten your mental load of desperation knowing that no matter how rough the road feels right now, this too, shall pass.

It may not feel like it in the midst of it, but somewhere down the line, everything is going to change.

There will again be light.

This, I promise.



Ed: Bryonie Wise

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