December 30, 2012

It Can Only Get Better From Here.

When life gives you lemons, you’re supposed to make lemonade. Right?

Well this month alone, I think I could open up a lemonade stand and make my life’s fortune.

It’s funny to think that what we have in life is so fleeting: We wake up. We make coffee. We go to work. We visit with friends and loved ones. When one of those self-imposed routines changes, or disappears altogether, sometimes what’s left is a void that is hard to fill.

In the course of a week I lost my best friend, my lover, my job and my bank account was hacked.

I lost the one person I could tell everything to; my best friend, who never passes judgment and lets me cry on her shoulder.

I lost my reason to wake up in the morning and go through the motions to earn a living.

I lost the feeling of being special to someone; having that emotional connection to a man I thought the world of (and who I thought had thought the world of me, too).

It started over dinner.

In the middle of sinking my teeth into a delicious bite of pasta, my best friend told me she was leaving. Just like that. At the end of the week. I almost choked. She was moving back to her hometown in Wisconsin; things were just not working out here in Boulder. I felt my heart sink, but I knew that it was for the best.

We didn’t talk about it after that, though we both knew the end was near. We laughed, making future plans neither of us knew if we would actually fulfill.

The next day at work, I came slinking into the office. I had woken up in a funk, still thinking about our conversation at dinner. Towards the end of the day, my boss came and sat down next to me. He had a solemn look on his face. I knew something was up. I worked for a non-profit and I knew that our situation could change overnight.

There wasn’t any more money. We didn’t have the funds anymore and so, I didn’t have a job anymore.

Right after I had just spent a fortune on a new coat, a new hair color and right before the holidays, I was jobless.

My heart sunk even further.

I had been seeing this guy for a few months. Things were great, or so I had thought. We didn’t have a label on our relationship. We were lovers, friends and companions. Were we in a relationship? I had felt so.

I called him after I left work. He didn’t answer. I texted him. Well what do you know? He answered right away.

Me: I just lost my job.

Him: Really babe? I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Me: I’ll be okay. But thank you. I miss you.

Him: I miss you too.

I felt the walls crumbling around me, but for some reason, having him still kept me grounded. I felt like I had a confidant, someone who would take my side and be there for me in any situation.

And then came the text (yes, text) that finally ripped the rug right from under me. He said he had wanted to be my boyfriend for so long, how I meant so much to him, but he just couldn’t be with me.

It was then I realized it had all been a façade and I had imagined a lover that was much more than he actually was. I was angry with myself for letting him in and letting him break my heart.

All I could say was wow. (And could I please have my stuff back? Thanks).

I woke up the next morning with nothing to keep me grounded and it was the scariest feeling I have ever felt; everything I knew was gone.

I was going to have to give up my apartment and move back in with my parents (gasp! The horror!). I was going in a new direction, whether I liked it or not.

I felt like I had failed.

I ended this terrible week by dropping off my best friend at the airport and saying goodbye (finishing off a bottle of wine when I got home!). Over the next few days, I felt completely alone. I lost my appetite. I dropped ten pounds. To top it off, my checking account was hacked and I didn’t have access to my savings to pay rent. (Here’s to writing a check and hoping this all gets cleared up by the time they cash it on the first of the month!).

I vented to so many people, I don’t know how people could still stand listening to me. But they did.

After many hours of screaming, crying, pondering and much needed yoga sessions, I feel like I am coming to terms with my situation. The building blocks of my life may have toppled over, but this is the beginning of my biggest adventure yet.

I am young. I am healthy. I have friends (though they may be far away) and family who love me with all my flaws.

I have the freedom to change everything about my life. Starting now.

I have no ties, no strings holding me down.

I am living.

I am free.


 Dareni Wellman is a writer, lover of literature, closet nerd and newbie blogger. She is passionate about cooking, animals, ocean conservation and environmental issues. She is pursuing her Master’s degree in Strategic Communication and hopes to write for sustainability campaigns.




Ed: Bryonie Wise


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