December 13, 2012

Takin’ a Chance on Love.

Love is never the reason something doesn’t work out.

Love doesn’t break it, everything that isn’t love is in control.

Love is just love.

Excuses are what fills hot air balloons; excuses are also what we allow to lead us away from love.

When I give a reason to someone for why love was lost, it’s an excuse. Not necessarily meant to defend myself, but to give an explanation for why I made a choice.

In love, whatever isn’t in support of it, is an excuse.

And the excuse is really covering for a choice, especially useful when denying your own truth. Digging that deep to know “why” the ego says no, instead of yes, requires a hard hat with a lamp.

Maybe excuses win, because…

Too little time.

(I’m stressed at work, you demand too much of my time. So I’ll give you less time, the kids, the laundry, my friends, television show.)

Too much time.

(I want to spend every minute with you, but I’m afraid of losing myself, so I’ll give you less or run away; I spend too much time being with you—I never do what I want on my own, because you get upset.)

Too needy.

(I feel like all I do is give to you; I talk to you five times a day. Why do you always need affection, attention? I’m tired of your needs.)

Too distant.

(Days go by with no word, whether we live together or apart. Intimacy…what intimacy? Vulnerability makes you hide…no attention makes me lonely.)

Too angry.

(I am so sick of this situation. You’re selfish. A jerk. All I do for you and you give me nothing. I hate you. You always do this!)

Too sad.

(The past was better or worse. I settled. I deserve nothing good. I can’t get over the time you (or someone in my past) did that “to me.” I’m better off somewhere else.)

Too happy.

(Why are you happy when I’m miserable? I’m happy and it seems no matter what you distance yourself more from me. Your happiness makes me fel not good enough for you.)

Too good.

(This is an amazing relationship—its too good to be true, how can I destroy it? I’ve never felt so comfortable, uh oh what if I lose myself? What if you leave me when you find out I’m so unworthy?)

Too bad.

(What if no one else wants me…I better stay. He/she is just like my mother/father/step-parent. If I can just get he/she to love what my parent didn’t, I’ll be healed–except they are pretty cruel to me and life is passing me by).

Too insecure.

(Where are you? What are you doing? Why can’t I go? I hope you are miserable without me. You suck. You are not very attractive, no one else will want you like I do. I will destroy the relationship, because he/she is too kind to me and I deserve nothing good.)

Too disappointing.

(He/she never helps me; he/she always fails me. Can you ever do anything right? Wow, nothing ever happens that this person promises me, it’s like they want me to suffer for loving them.)

Too much punishment.

(All of my wants and needs are ignored, but he/she says they love me. I deserve to suffer, there must be some reward sooner or later. I stay, because I love him/her and I’m neglected. Someday, the pain will stop.)


(You cannot do that, I will be angry, sad, ignore you, etc. It’s my way or the highway. Do it yourself. No, you can’t do that, you’re too stupid, I’m the only one who can do it. I promise I’ll be there on time. If you change that, I’ll leave you.)

Not a very loving list and that doesn’t include everything that love is not—just examples of where love loses—and it doesn’t have a chance amongst all that chatter.

Love is stomped out, excuse after excuse after excuse. You gotta wanna stay in the game to give love a chance.

The bottom line: what do you really want? Do you want a relationship with this person? Do you love them? Do you love yourself?

Tough questions, but when I find myself in the land of ego with a litany of excuses, I ask myself the question: Am I coming from love and are my actions and words in alignment with my goal?

That’s when I get my most vulnerable; after all, if I say I want to stay or go, with love, then I better get with my own program. Those excuses close us off to love in ourselves and to the other.

Sometime,s love means to go and be with yourself for awhile, so you can clearly see what you have and what your heart (not your head) really wants.

Other times, it means to leave an unhealthy situation, because the cost is too high and if you stay, you remain a victim.

And just cuz you leave doesn’t mean you will immediately, find better…it doesn’t work that way. You have to get clear with what draws you to a situation with such a high cost or you run the danger of attracting it again.

Sometimes throwing down your weapons and staying, because you want real, honest, authentic love is the answer. Fear equals excuses. All those excuses are fear talking!

The question is: when you get to your last day here, will you look back on a life of excuses or a life lived from the heart, having lead you to amazing experiences?

I know what I choose.



Ed: Bryonie Wise


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